Post # 1
Need some advice. Here goes..this may be a little long winded!
I have known my husband for my entire life. My parents were introduced by his parents! Our families have been friends the enitre time. My husband married at the age of 20 and has 2 adult children from that relationship.
Fast forward to 2011. Husbands 1st marriage ended and he moved 2 provinces away to pursue a relationship with me. We live very close to my parents (I am an only child) and 12 hours from his parents, sister and his adult children.
We married last year on December 29th 2012. Needless to say we had no less than 8 people and 2 dogs, staying with us from the 24th of December on. Months before our wedding, my mom suggested that perhaps having that many people stay with us the week before our wedding would be too much on our plate. There were many hurt feelings and his family was very upset by this. In the end DH’s son and daughter and sister and her family arrived on the 24th. His parents flew in on the 26th of December.
That brings us to xmas of 2013. Both of our parents winter in Arizona…. about 2 hours apart from each other. Awesome! We can spend xmas with both of them. I wish! It has been made very clear by my MIL that my parents are not welcome at their family xmas. My parents were kind enough to offer DH and I airmiles to fly down. And we graciously accepted them. We only have 9 nights and 10 days down there. We arrive on Dec 22nd and depart on the 31st. So how do we divy up the time. DH and his parents think that we should spend 75% of the time with them and 25 % of the time with my parents, as we see my parents more frequently than we see his. I think that my parents deserve more than 2 and 1/2 days with us as they helped us out with the flights to get down there! That would mean leaving my parents on the 25th to spend the rest of the time with his family.
On a side note, I have never had the luxury of being able to travel over the holidays until the last 2 years because of work. My parents have always made it a priority to spend xmas at home with me, before I was in a relationship. DH’s parents opt to winter in Arizona and not come home for xmas so they don’t often get to spend xmas together.
In all of this, both of our mothers have said some pretty hurtful things to each of us. To the point that my husband thinks perhaps we need to each head separate ways for the holidays.
Sorry for babbling. Any outside advice would be greatly appreciated.
Post # 3
They gave you miles. There would be no trip without your parents!
They deserve at LEAST half of your time!
Post # 4
Why does your husband think its okay to use your parent’s miles to get down there but spend less time with your family? That baflles me.
I would divide the time up equally. Even if you see your parents more, it sounds like they are the entire reason you are able to go in the the first place.
We see my parents more than we see DH’s parents. He would never suggest spending less time with them over the holidays because of it.
Post # 5
Both sets of parents are damn rude for putting you two in the middle of their petty squabbles and making you “choose” ultimately making you feel guilty no matter what you choose. Take the veccy with you and hubby alone and let the parents all feel shocked and chagrined by this.
Post # 6
I would NOT split up for the holidays, as your husband suggested.
Now is the time to set some boundaries for future family events. You and your husband should decide what works best for you both. If that means splitting time 50/50 then that is what you should do.
Post # 7
@curlylox: DH and I have to split xmas between my moms side, dads side, step dads side and his mom and dad are separate too. Not to mention that there are other things at work like when his siblings will be at his moms so we can see everyone in one visit since we never get to see them really. So even though we don’t travel that far, christmas is pretty overwhelming. Last year I put my foot down though and we decided to do christmas day at home with just us and we planned visits with each group during the holiday season. We didn’t get to see everyone but the holidays were much more enjoyable. the point is, if you try and stretch yourselves too thin no one wins. The most important thing is for you and your husband to be with each other. You are each others immediate and most important family members. I say split the time evenly between both sides. It seems to be the only fair way to do things. I don’t think that because your parents helped you get there that it means that you owe them more time. They offered and there shouldn’t be strings tied to that kind of thing. I think both sets of parents are being very immature about everything and you need to make sure you set a standard here for future holidays. This kind of immature bickering shouldn’t be tolerated and you shouldn’t be guilted into anything. Split the time evenly and enjoy your holidays with your husband.
Post # 8
50/50 – down to the minute! 4 nights with one family, a night with the just the 2 of you in a hotel between families (I’m sure you’ll need a break!!) and 4 nights with the other family. Going our seperate ways over the holidays would not be an option in my books! It’ll always be impossible to make absolutely everyone happy
Post # 9
No way you should split up from your husband for the holidays.
You should split your time 50/50 with both parents, it is the only fair way. I actually think that you should spend more time with your parents because they are flying you down there.
Post # 10
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Can I ask for clarification on the original disagreement?
Months before our wedding, my mom suggested that perhaps having that many people stay with us the week before our wedding would be too much on our plate. There were many hurt feelings and his family was very upset by this.
Does this mean people were asked not to stay with you or something like that? I don’t understand why they don’t get along anymore.
And 50/50. Easy!
Post # 11
@curlylox: It’s stuff like this that makes me dread the holidays. So many expectations from everyone and there are bound to be hurt feelings. All it does is leave both DH and me stressed out and happy it’s all over.
It’s really sad that the families are putting you guys in the middle. I agree with PPs that the fact that your parents are helping you out with the trip means they clearly want some face time.
I’d probably try and split it 50/50. You and your husband need to come to an agreement and put on a united front to your families.
Post # 13
half and half! Make it fair so no one can complain!
Post # 14
Weddings are pretty overwhelming for most brides. Not to mention that we threw xmas in to the mix and had to still work some of those days leading up to the wedding. Yes my mom felt that it would be very overwhelming for DH and I to have 10 people move into our house for the entire week before our wedding. Hence the reason his parents arrived on the 26th. DH and his family thought it was totally fine to have 10 people staying with us for the entire time. And yes I would say this was a huge part of their falling out. It was a battle to have everyone move out on our wedding day so that we could have the house to ourselves on our wedding night!
Post # 15
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
@curlylox: I get you now. I misunderstood b/c of the line that said you had 10 people staying with you. I interpreted that as actually happening. My head isn’t on straight today!
Sad they can’t understand how stressful that would have been and are putting you in this position. 🙁
Post # 16
Acutally they did all stay with us. 8 houseguests from the 24th on. DH’s sister moved to a hotel on the 26th and his parents moved in….