- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
Does anyone else find that being a bride has made them into a high-strung emotional mess? I sure do and it all hit me like a ton of bricks this week. Suddenly, I completely understand why time and time again, I’ve seen otherwise rational and logical people become absolutely unrecognizable in the months leading up to their wedding. I’ve been having the following utterly absurd thoughts over the past couple of days and I can’t verbalize them to anyone in real life for fear I alienate everyone who loves me and sabotage my own wedding in the process:
My maid-of-honor is the worst friend ever and I definitely need to fire her
Actually, she is one of 2 people in the world who actually understand me. And I have not loved another woman more than I love her. We are actually first cousins, but also best friends. She and I have always had a style of dropping in and out of each other’s lives, convening once every few months or so and having some type of monster GIRLS TRIP to bond and catch up. Now that I’m planning the wedding (and she is my only support system, a distinction that, in fairness, she didn’t sign up for), I regularly need a shoulder to cry on, or I need to vent or I just need to feel loved and she’s is still operating on her “why are you blowing up my phone? I mean we talked in May didn’t we?” M.O. She has (actually we both have) always operated like this and there’s no logical reason for me to expect her approach to change just because my needs have changed–especially without my explicitly telling her how needy I’ve become. I literally have been trying to reach her for about 5 weeks to no avail. After I pestered her via email about how disappointed I am that she’s avoiding me, she sent me a one line email letting me know that her brother has been diagnosed with a neurological disease and that’s why she’s been off the grid. I felt like garbage.
Speaking of firing people, OFF with my DOC’s head
I’ve been going through it with event planners. I was an event planner for years, so I’m specific about what I expect from a coordinator. I considered planning my own wedding, but realized I didn’t have the time and enlisted one of my own friend/colleagues to do some legwork for me. GREAT decision. Then I hired someone in my Destination Wedding locale to the day-of coordination. Fired her after realizing we didn’t “click,” then I hired someone else. She’s been a real gem. Excited and accomodating and full of advice. But then I received her contract yesterday with a little note that: (1) she was raising my preliminary quote by $200 and (2) she doesn’t accept credit cards and I would have to do a bank transfer. Y’all. I LOST it. A facking bank transfer?! In 2013?!! I wrote up a succinct email telling her that in this day and age if she was willing to lose a $2k piece of business because she couldn’t be bothered to expend the 5 minutes it takes to sign up for paypal, then good riddance. I promptly deleted it and called my fiance (who was at a business dinner) in tears. He had to come home early and console me. I still haven’t responded to her.
Family, Schamily: I’m walking myself down the aisle!
My parents are jerks. There. I said it. They’ve really not handled the whole news of my engagement well and my mother in particular has gone out of her way to be hurtful and mean (to make me suffer for having the audacity to leave the nest). She’s trying–in her own dysfunctional way–to come around, but I’m just not here for it. In another space and time, I would be so ready to forgive and move on and have my mom by my side. My mom called me the other day and said something that was no more ignorant than I’m used to and I had to pretend to have another call so as to avoid saying aloud “you know what, then DON’T come to my wedding then!” I’m pleased that I had the presence of mind to refrain from saying what was on my mind. That would have stamped out ANY chance of recovery for our relationship. And forever more she would have the satisfaction of saying that it was my fault.
Eff it. Let’s just elope.
Like an idiot, I forgot to include photography/videography in the wedding budget. Just completely plum effing forgot. I told my fiance that if we want to have professional photogs, then we need to raise the funds somewhere else because it’s not in the budget at this time. The truth, y’all, is I can easily afford to fork over the extra couple thousand dollars. I just don’t want to. And I resent that I have to pay for this wedding all by myself (my parents are boycotting all types of support including emotional and financial, and my fiance had to quit his job to move across the world for me, so we can’t touch his savings because it’s all he has). And I don’t want to increase the budget any further (although this is very literally MY fault for overlooking this very major aspect of the planning). And that got me to thinking “and why do I need a rehearsal dinner anyway? And a professional makeup artist? and retroactively unjustifying all the money I’ve already spent on the wedding. Only 2 people (to my knowledge) have bought plane tickets thus far. I could reimburse both of them, go elope and move on with life. Because…that’s a completely foolproof plan, right?!
God help me. I do NOT recognize the deranged woman who spewed that wall of text above.