(Closed) Ye Olde “House before ring debate”……..

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
3306 posts
Sugar bee

My opinion- he would get much more comfortable and you would be waiting even longer since now ring funds would have to go to the house, closing and other fees—-
If I were you, I would make a CLEAR stipulation that an engagement is required BEFORE any house looking commences.

Post # 5
3942 posts
Honey bee

We bought a house first, and then ring came a year later ๐Ÿ™‚

Was it frustrating at times? Yes. But it was the best decision, financially, for us at the time.

Post # 7
62 posts
Worker bee

I would be reluctant to mingle finances with a boyfriend. If he wanted to buy a house and I could live there- but my name would not be associated with it AT ALL – I would go for it. But I would never mingle finances without being married. The reason being, if the worst does happen – if your name’s part of the mortgage or what have you, you have an obligation for a house you might not even live in if things go bust. If he defaults, it can come back and bite you in the rear.

If he’s planning to buy a house but also wants to have a wedding, my feeling is buying the house is only going to postpone it even more. My own s/o has talked about buying a house, and I told him that I would look at a house with him, but I would not be moving in with him. Living with him in one place for a year is enough time for him to make his decision, and that’s all he gets.

But I’m rather cynical of men lately – from my own experiences and the dreadful circumstances some of the women have been dragged through by their boyfriends here.

Post # 8
3586 posts
Sugar bee

Is there anyway one of you could buy it and then live there? Our house, I bought and we live together. I’m cool with that because the title is in my name and I don’t have to worry about being kicked out of something I own.(Bad to say, but it’s the truth.) Plus, I had the money to buyand I was NOT going to be 30 waitingfor a house and marriage when there were such good deals around, and still are in my area. LOL

I’d say ask him about the engagement if y’all don’t plan to buy separately and get some stuff in writing with a lawyer.

Post # 9
102 posts
Blushing bee

I wouldn’t do it. I know that I’ve got trust issues, but there’s absolutely no way I’d buy a piece of real estate with a guy I had no solid, legally binding commitment to. It’s too easy for one to kick the other out of the house, and to find yourself with absolutely no backup plans in place. I’d consider doing it with an engagement ring *and a date*, with progress moving toward the marriage… but not with a boyfriend. Or someone who said “I want to marry you someday…”

Plus, I’m inclined to agree with the “too comfortable” thing. If you buy a house with him, I think that just shows him that you can have X, Y, and Z without the marriage. I mean, if you’d stay with him regardless of being married, go for it… but if marriage is important to you, I wouldn’t.

Post # 12
72 posts
Worker bee

I wouldn’t wait for it to come up again.  You sound very upset by this and should bring it up soon.  Today.  Just say, “Hey you know how you were talking about buying a house next year?  Can we just discuss that a little more?….” then get your points out.  I know everyone is different and an engagement is not legally binding, but I already told SO that I’m not putting a dime towards a house without being engaged.  I know he’s committed, but I want the engagement.  It’s just important to me.  I think if I hadn’t said anything, he would have been ok getting a house before getting engaged.  

Post # 13
3586 posts
Sugar bee

@Wonderwoman217: It’s just a bonus that married couples tend to be viewed as less of a financial risk by lenders, so maybe I can use that to my advantage ๐Ÿ™‚

I think it can! Might make him start thinking about it anyway ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 14
10363 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think you should have talked to him about what would happen to the marriage timeline with the purchase of the house and how that makes you feel.

What good is having a significant other if you can’t be honest and open with them? Relationships are about communication – and few topics are more important than home purchase and committment.

Post # 16
575 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Good for you for waiting and getting your thoughts together. I went in to home buying with my then boyfriend thinking a ring must be around the corner….. bought a house than a year later i have a ring!

But I don’t regret buying a house now, but when i was still waiting i was pissed he would be a house with me and not marry me…. just my experience

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