Post # 1
Absolutely everyone and everything is getting on my nerves right now. FI’s father passed away two months ago. Fiance is, understandably of course, having a hard time. I’ve been taking care of him because he’s barely been holding it together. I was making him all his meals because he would barely eat otherwise. I’ve listened to him when he needed to talk. I’ve been the strong one emotionally for him.
I’ve been trying to take care of him and me, too. I’m dealing with some difficult stuff at work and people keep piling it on – and yes, I’ve done all I can to set limits with how much people can ask of me while still maintaining my required workload. It’s still a stressful time at work right now.
I feel like I’m having to be strong and superwoman for everyone and I’ve got absolutely nobody to do it for me. I don’t have any friends here locally, and even the friends I do have are being more of a pain in the ass than anything. The ones who have offered (OFFERED, I didn’t ask) to do stuff for the wedding, I end up having to practically harass them to get anything done. I always have to be on top of things.
I’m not spending any money on myself because I have so much that I have to spend for the wedding. If it weren’t for my future stempom-in-law being a godsend and taking care of so many of the wedding details for me (particularly because she lives where we’re getting married) I’d REALLY be losing my mind. Actually, the planning’s going well and there’s not much to do. It’s the rest of life that’s really crushing me.
I’m at a loss for what to do. I’d take a mental health day from work but I have nothing to do but lie around and watch tv/play on the computer, which I do on the weekends and it isn’t all that refreshing. I’m not spending the money on a spa day or anything like that because everything extra I get is going toward the wedding right now. I feel like I’ve got nobody I can really talk to; Fiance isn’t in a place to be too supportive right now and honestly, pretty much everyone else in the world is on my nerves right now. I try to do everything I usually do to cope with stress – treat myself to a latte, take deep breaths, go to yoga class, run…..not working. Not helping enough.
I did actually tell Fiance about all this last night. It led to an argument about who does more cleaning around here. SIGH. I feel like I have to take care of everyone and take care of myself, 100%, and IT DOES NOT WORK. Every little thing that doesn’t go right is one more thing that I don’t have time or energy to deal with. I just need someone to lighten the load a little.
Post # 3
Do you have a friend not-locally who you can call and just talk to? vent a little, cry a little, that sort of thing?
I find when I take mental health days, I have to make them count – i.e. not just spend them lounging around like I do on the weekends, because like you said, it doesn’t really do much for you 😉 But maybe you could plan something special for yourself that doesn’t cost what a spa day would – a picnic alone by a lake or a hike in the woods or an extra long yoga session or something like that.
It’s amazing that you’re being so supportive for your Fiance, but as time moves on he needs to learn to deal with his grief and grow through it to a point where he can function again. I don’t know how he would respond, but I’ve heard great things about grief counseling. And maybe you could look into a support group for those whose loved ones have lost loved ones?
(((Hugs))) You’re being an incredibly strong person right now it sounds like, and I hope you get some relief soon, because I would hate to see you crack under it all.
Post # 4
You really are being so strong in your FIs time of need. I’m sure the reason your concerns lead to an argument is because he is just extremely sensitive right now…and let’s face it, men don’t exactly “deal” with life’s curveballs as poised as women (not trying to sound sexist, bees, just in my experience).
I agree with @daydreamwanderer. I think mental health days are healthy. You should plan one out. Go see your favorite sites in your hometown. Pack a brown bag lunch. I love to read and I feel like that gives me a great escape when I don’t want to think about my own problems. I go to the park and read and people watch. Go to a museum… most of them have days where they are free to enter. Just get out of the house and do something, anything, you enjoy. You don’t need to spend money. It will make you feel loads better!
Sorry about the loss of your Future Father-In-Law. Your Fiance will come around. Nothing heals better than time.
Post # 5
Going beyond just taking a “mental health day,” I would call your Employee Assistance Program (if you don’t have one, call the number on the back of your insurance card) and request a referral for a psychologist. It can be SO helpful to talk to someone, even just once, and get some of this stuff off your chest. He or she might be useful too in helping you find ways to destress, since you said your usual tactics aren’t working. It sounds like you are a really capable woman!
Post # 6
I second Cinnamon Roll. It can be sooo helpful to have a counselor/therapist to talk to when you’re feeling overwhelmed. The best part is that they are a neutral party, so you can just let it all out and express what you’re feeling without worrying about what they’ll think. A good therapist can also help you reframe your thinking and help you figure out ways to cope with what’s bothering you. EAP is a great place to start if you have one, since often the first couple of sessions are free.
Post # 7
I would take a day off work and just relax. Sometimes that’s really what you need – alone time. Make and freeze him some meals with directions and spend some alone time.
I do have to say though, that being supportive, in times like these is what marriage is all about. He will (read: he should) do the same for you when you go through hard times. I understand you must be under and enormous amount of stress but just try to take a few minutes every day to have time to yourself. Can you go to the gym (that’s how I relieve stress – well that and cleaning but most people think the cleaning thing its weird lol)? Go for a walk during your lunch break or after work. You don’t have to go to spa to relax. Figure out what you like to do (even if it’s just laying on the couch watching tv or reading a book) and do that for YOURSELF.
I hope things get better for you!
Post # 8
I agree with the other bees that have suggested talking to someone (counselor/therapist). They don’t know you personally or anyone else you are associated with so you can just let it all go and vent as much as you need. You can finally have a sympathetic ear that will help talk you through everything that is going on until Fiance is in a better place to help you. Good Luck and you always have the hive.
Post # 9
Thanks guys! 🙂 I know about the therapist thing….heck, I AM a therapist. Haha. I tried it a couple of months ago when Fiance went to be with his dad indefinitely and I was a bit of a wreck, and I wasn’t thrilled with the therapist I ended up with. Nothing wrong with her, I just didn’t feel like we clicked well, and she spent most of the session asking about past things that weren’t related to the issue at hand (like past relationships). I mean, if we were going to build a long-term therapeutic relationship, sure, but my EAP gives me a whopping three sessions, let’s work on the PRESENTING problem.
Or maybe I’m just critical because I’m in the same profession. 🙂 I could always try to get a referral to someone else. I’ve suggested that Fiance do the same but he’s really introverted and doesn’t do well with the whole counseling thing. I’m thinking that we might try to see a counselor together at some point, though; nothing major, just stuff that we don’t see eye-to-eye on that rears its ugly head when we’re both stressed. Like now.
I may take some of those suggestions, though. Interacting with people (who aren’t my clients, lol) has been helpful when I can do it. Wish there were more people I could interact with but I’m trying to even talk to my coworkers a bit more…just a reminder that no, I’m really not alone bearing all the problems in the world. 🙂
Post # 10
only 3 sessions for a therapist! what irony.
This might sound childish a bit but when i’m stressed or sad, I grab one of my kitties and cuddle and hug them and pet them for a while – it keeps me focused on something else, the cat is happy, and I become relaxed. Do you have a pet? would adopting one help? or going to the shelter this weekend and just volunteering to pet/socialize some dogs or cats? I have two cats – one that lets me hug and smother it, and another that enjoys a good long rest on the sofa. Both are good for stress!
Post # 11
When I am stressed it helps to do physical things. My FI’s mother died a couple of months ago as well. It has been a struggle let me tell you. However, I have since weeded all of the flower beds, redecorated the family room and kitchen, and will be having tile put in next week. I had a talk with my Fiance and he knows that I love him and support him, but I need time to refuel the tank otherwise there won’t be any in there for him when he needs it. You have to take time for you…even if it’s just to take a long bath and enjoy a glass of wine.