(Closed) Yep… another one of those :(

posted 5 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
9443 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

TALK TO HIM!

Asking about where your real is headed is not nagging or pushing. I hate that there’s this perception that women can’t bring up marriage or they are a nag. Fuck that. This is your life and your relationship. Be an active participant.

Post # 3
Member
3152 posts
Sugar bee

The deeper issue is that it sounds like he doesn’t want to marry you. And you are by no means an “aging woman” at 33!!!!!!!!!

Post # 4
Member
662 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Totally have a conversation with him. I know you are worried that this might be sensitive for him or something but honestly that has nothing to do with you. Six years is plenty of time to heal from a bad relationship. Clearly he has been happy with you and marriage is a natural step.

Don’t sacrifice your feelings, hopes and desires because you are afraid of his reaction. It’s easy..he will either marry you or he won’t and honestly he already knows the answer.

 

Post # 5
Member
797 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
latonyc :  Sit down and have a heart to heart about it. He might be unaware that you want to get married relatively soon / want a general idea of when he will propose. Bringing this up in a respectful and thoughtful way isnt nagging. its important for you to be able to express how you feel and that shouldn’t be seen as pushy. Perhaps go over your expectations and hear what his are as far as a reasonable time to get engaged

but also decide how important marriage is to you. Worst case scenario are you okay waiting a few more years (post 35) or what if he never wants to get married? If you love him enough to hold off on your dreams of a marriage, then by all means go for it. But me personally, I couldnt stay with someone no matter how much I loved them if they had shown no intent on marrying at that age after 4 years. But again, you wont know what the issue is or *IF* you have to have that conversation with yourself until you talk to him. Best of luck. 

Post # 6
Member
2957 posts
Sugar bee

Please stop thinking of yourself as an “aging woman” and that there is something needy or wrong with you by sitting down and having an honest, straightfoward conversation about your relationship. He is not a gentle flower that cannot be spoken to about life things.

Post # 7
Member
3848 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
latonyc :   The ability to communicate with a partner is the hallmark of a strong, healthy relationship.   Talk to him about his views on marriage, in general and specifically, marriage to you.  If he is blaming you for the faults of his first wife, now is the time to find out.   If he is not ever planning to marry you, now is the time to find out.

 

 

Post # 9
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Definitely talk to him, and don’t let him use the fact that he’s indecisive about what to get at the grocery store (as many people are) as an excuse for being indecisive about YOU. You should not be indecisive when it comes to the person you will spend the rest of your life with. That should be a gut feeling, even if choosing a certain brand of toilet paper is not.

Post # 10
Member
609 posts
Busy bee

You won’t get anywhere without an honest conversation. If he isn’t open to that, it should be a red flag.

Post # 11
Member
1761 posts
Buzzing bee

First of all, you’re not an aging woman at all – you’re still very young!  Second, you’ve been with your boyfriend long enough to communicate how you truly feel to him and how much you want marriage.  I can understand his fear of getting married again if his first marriage was terrible and he doesn’t wnt to go through another bad experience again…but let him know it would be different with you and if he’s happy with you, why wouldn’t he want to since he’s willing to buy a house with you and all?  Don’t enter into purchasing a home with him thinking it will lead to marriage…I have seen too many people do that and it still never happened.  If he’s not willing to marry you and marriage is important to you, then maybe you need to consider finding someone else.  Don’t settle.  Whatever it is you want in life, be true to yourself.

Post # 12
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

Sounds like he doesn’t want to get married. You have to talk to him and find out. No point “waiting patiently” for him to propose if he already knows he never will and has no idea you want him too. 

Find out if he is 

A) wants to buy a house, have kids etc, with you soon but not ever get married

B) doesn’t want to marry or have any of the above commitments any time soon. 

I would be willing to settle for A but not B, but some people wouldn’t settle for either and that is fair. 

Post # 14
Member
9758 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Don’t buy a house with someone you aren’t engaged/married to.

Post # 15
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Based on your last update it seems more as of he was “meh” towards the idea of marriage. He doesn’t sound like he wants to marry again, but also wouldn’t put a fight against marrying you -if it is important for you.

As some pp said, you need to decide how much this wedding matters to you. Are you okay with a simple wedding at a courthouse so you can get married, or do you want an elaborated party to celebrate your union?

If you are ok with just getting married then make the timeline yourself and propose it to him. If you want an elaborated party, you can also do a timeline but keep in mind he might not be 100% enthusiast with it. 

In any case, keep communicating with him.

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