Post # 1
Hello, everyone. I’m an aging lady…32 and will be turning 33 in July.
I love my boyfriend with everything I have. He is 38. We have been together for four years. He’s amazing. He does for me and I do what I can for him and his family at the drop of a hat.
But… no ring. He was married in the past and the marriage was awful. I really feel for him. He’s been divorced for 6 years. I really, REALLY try not to bring up marriage because I don’t want to come across as a nag or pushy. His family has asked him if he is planning on marrying me and his response is, “I am planning on making a life with her.” I have talked to him about it and told him last year that I’d love to be engaged within the next year. He says, “Well lets get a house first” or “I’m just waiting for the right time.” It makes me sad. We both earn over six figures together. We aren’t struggling financially. I feel like there’s a deeper issue, but I can’t put my finger on it. Any advice?
Post # 2
TALK TO HIM!
Asking about where your real is headed is not nagging or pushing. I hate that there’s this perception that women can’t bring up marriage or they are a nag. Fuck that. This is your life and your relationship. Be an active participant.
Post # 3
The deeper issue is that it sounds like he doesn’t want to marry you. And you are by no means an “aging woman” at 33!!!!!!!!!
Post # 4
Totally have a conversation with him. I know you are worried that this might be sensitive for him or something but honestly that has nothing to do with you. Six years is plenty of time to heal from a bad relationship. Clearly he has been happy with you and marriage is a natural step.
Don’t sacrifice your feelings, hopes and desires because you are afraid of his reaction. It’s easy..he will either marry you or he won’t and honestly he already knows the answer.
Post # 5
Sit down and have a heart to heart about it. He might be unaware that you want to get married relatively soon / want a general idea of when he will propose. Bringing this up in a respectful and thoughtful way isnt nagging. its important for you to be able to express how you feel and that shouldn’t be seen as pushy. Perhaps go over your expectations and hear what his are as far as a reasonable time to get engaged
but also decide how important marriage is to you. Worst case scenario are you okay waiting a few more years (post 35) or what if he never wants to get married? If you love him enough to hold off on your dreams of a marriage, then by all means go for it. But me personally, I couldnt stay with someone no matter how much I loved them if they had shown no intent on marrying at that age after 4 years. But again, you wont know what the issue is or *IF* you have to have that conversation with yourself until you talk to him. Best of luck.
Post # 6
Please stop thinking of yourself as an “aging woman” and that there is something needy or wrong with you by sitting down and having an honest, straightfoward conversation about your relationship. He is not a gentle flower that cannot be spoken to about life things.
Post # 7
The ability to communicate with a partner is the hallmark of a strong, healthy relationship. Talk to him about his views on marriage, in general and specifically, marriage to you. If he is blaming you for the faults of his first wife, now is the time to find out. If he is not ever planning to marry you, now is the time to find out.
Post # 8
Thanks, everyone. I have really tried to give him space about marriage because of his past, but I feel like I’m not worth marrying and it depresses the heck out of me. I’m good enough to buy a house with, to live with, to split finances with, but there’s something terrible about the thought of marriage. 🙁
I will most definitely talk with him about this. He has a tendency to be indecisive about everything, down to what to buy at the grocery store. You’re all very much correct. I know I’m not “aging” per se, but I want children and I do worry about running out of time.
Post # 9
Definitely talk to him, and don’t let him use the fact that he’s indecisive about what to get at the grocery store (as many people are) as an excuse for being indecisive about YOU. You should not be indecisive when it comes to the person you will spend the rest of your life with. That should be a gut feeling, even if choosing a certain brand of toilet paper is not.
Post # 10
You won’t get anywhere without an honest conversation. If he isn’t open to that, it should be a red flag.
Post # 11
First of all, you’re not an aging woman at all – you’re still very young! Second, you’ve been with your boyfriend long enough to communicate how you truly feel to him and how much you want marriage. I can understand his fear of getting married again if his first marriage was terrible and he doesn’t wnt to go through another bad experience again…but let him know it would be different with you and if he’s happy with you, why wouldn’t he want to since he’s willing to buy a house with you and all? Don’t enter into purchasing a home with him thinking it will lead to marriage…I have seen too many people do that and it still never happened. If he’s not willing to marry you and marriage is important to you, then maybe you need to consider finding someone else. Don’t settle. Whatever it is you want in life, be true to yourself.
Post # 12
Sounds like he doesn’t want to get married. You have to talk to him and find out. No point “waiting patiently” for him to propose if he already knows he never will and has no idea you want him too.
Find out if he is
A) wants to buy a house, have kids etc, with you soon but not ever get married
B) doesn’t want to marry or have any of the above commitments any time soon.
I would be willing to settle for A but not B, but some people wouldn’t settle for either and that is fair.
Post # 13
Blah, had a talk with him. He said “definitely want to get married before we get a house. When will that be? Unfortunately I don’t have a specific time frame for you.”
So his ambiguity is pretty much code for “I have no plans.”, huh?
Post # 14
Don’t buy a house with someone you aren’t engaged/married to.
Post # 15
Based on your last update it seems more as of he was “meh” towards the idea of marriage. He doesn’t sound like he wants to marry again, but also wouldn’t put a fight against marrying you -if it is important for you.
As some pp said, you need to decide how much this wedding matters to you. Are you okay with a simple wedding at a courthouse so you can get married, or do you want an elaborated party to celebrate your union?
If you are ok with just getting married then make the timeline yourself and propose it to him. If you want an elaborated party, you can also do a timeline but keep in mind he might not be 100% enthusiast with it.
In any case, keep communicating with him.