(Closed) Yet another anonymous post, from yet another sad girl. Please help! Need advice!

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

PS – Don’t forget that credit scores change over time!  Even if you file for bankruptcy that is eliminated from your credit score after a certain amount of years (I know in Canada it is 7).

Post # 18
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Hey girl… first of all big hugs to you. I know how shocked and frustrated and confused you must be right now.

Take a deep breath.

We live in a culture of debt, and his situation is not the worst thing in the world. It can be fixed. It can be turned around. I know from experience how terrifying and hopeless it can be to get into a debt situation like his. You get to a point where you don’t know what to do, how to make it better, how to proceed at all.

It seems like he is willing to fix this, if only he knew how. Sit down and talk to him about the seriousness of this and what will be required to get out and to proceed with your relationship.

For starters I would recommend the book by Suze Orman. The one we have is “Young, Fabulous, and Broke”. She talks about how to address debt situations like this. She even talks about if you are marrying someone who has bad debt, and how you can still get the things you need, like a house or a car. She also gives great advice on getting OUT of that situation. The website has some good stuff on it, too.

Next, you really might consider financial counseling. Someone who can act a mediator and educator as you get through this tough time.

Good luck! And no matter what happens, we’re here for you!

 

Post # 19
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree with others in that financial problems are HUGE in a marriage.  You can’t ignore the fact that he brushed off these problems in the past and withheld this information from you.  However, I do think that people change and it is possible that he could learn to be more financially responsible.  If you think he is worth it, then I would confront him and explain that the only way you can be together is if he gets things together and makes changes in his life.  If not, then I would move on.

Post # 20
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

You can stick with him and I encourage you to, but to also keep things in your name until he has his issues financially straightened out for a few years.  Does that mean not marry?  No.  Just keep finances separated until that time.

Also see a marriage counselor and a credit counselor together!  This could be a great help.  As his situation improves I think even things with you two will get much much stronger.

My ex husband ruined my credit during the divorce and it’s been five years that I’ve had to straighten out the ridiculous damage the man did.  But I did it. 

Only one issue to deal with on the relationship side..the untruths about the finances.  I don’t like lies at all (especially after my ex) and that is something that I think should stop.  Finances should be transparent, after all you’re both a team.  You’re in his corner, but you also have to watch out for yourself too and your own credit score.  Had I known what could have happened to me, I would not have combined finances with my ex.

I wish you both healing, happiness and a great life together!  This can be fixed.

Post # 21
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

I might have a different point of view than the pps because I don’t really believe in “The One.” I think there are lots of people in this world that you can fall in love with and marry, and probably multiple that you would be happy with forever, but it is up to you to determine who you choose to marry. Obviously you make your decision based on love, but also on practical things like finances, future goals, location, family relationships, etc.

His finances are not your nightmare- they are his. And it seems like you are mostly shocked that he didn’t know or care about the gravity of the situation, or maybe he did and hid it from you. This sounds like a “who are you?!?!?” moment, which I can totally relate to. Take a step back and don’t make any rash decisions. I would let him clean up his finances completely by himself. He will get his life in order and come back to you if he is worthy enough to marry you. And maybe you will still be available, and maybe you will have moved on to a new love that better fits your life and your future.

Post # 22
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

Big hive hugs!!!!!!

I think all couples go through some issue like this – with us, FI’s mom charged thousands of dollars of credit and loans in his name without him knowing it; he got upside down in a car loan, and we are both heavy on the CC/Student Loan debt. But we sat down, worked out a plan together – and rather than getting angry and placing blame, we are able to talk about our future financial goals (and other life goals too!) and plan together. A realistic plan to help with OUR lives in the future.

That said, I think the other bees have a TON of great advice! He needs to give you a big fat apology for not being honest upfront, he needs to recognize the huge mistake he’s made and the potential affect on your future together, and he needs to be 100% serious about going forward. Because if you can’t step FORWARD together, then it’s not worth trying to make it work – you both have to be 100% vested and committed to fixing it together.

Best of luck, and keep us posted!! 🙂

Post # 23
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

One more thing: If he has received debt collection letters for any of those debst that are in collection CALL THEM. They will almost always settle for less than you owe AND give you options for paying back. IE, 500 if you pay it all now, 650 if you do it in 3 payments of $216. At the very least tell them what you can pay and ask how they can work with you. They would rather get paid less than not at all.

Post # 24
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

I am/was a financial planner so I understand the relationship between money and emotions better than most.

There are multiple issues here:

1.  He wasn’t completely honest with you about his financial situation.  You need to address this part of the equation because this isn’t all about his fiscal irresponsibility.

2.  He has $10,000 of debt that you now know of and hasn’t seemed to care that he has outstanding debt that he has been ignoring and hiding from.  He’s been totally and completely irresponsible with his finances.  His credit score has been trashed.  

3.  He needs to figure out and explain to you why he dodged past debts and decided it was okay to skip out on debts he owed.  He also needs to explain step by step in detail how he let this happen and how it got to this point. 

I think its good that he is making positive steps to clear up this situation.  I do not think you should consider marrying him until he completely changes the way he lives to use every extra cent to pay off his debt.  No more starbucks, no more eating out, no more spending money on non necessities. He needs to prove to you that he has learned his lesson at that he will never, ever, put you in this situation again.

He needs to read Young, Fabulous, and Broke by Suze Orman and The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.  He needs to get his credit score up ASAP because his poor credit score could keep him from finding a good job (most major employers run a credit check before hiring new employees).  

Hugs to you.  This is a difficult situation.  If you have financial type questions, please PM me and I’ll help you as much as I can.  

 

Post # 26
Member
3761 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Be careful about assuming that when you get married “his” debt does not become “your” debt.  Every state is different.

Post # 27
Member
2680 posts
Sugar bee

I think you can still be with him, even marry him and it will be ok.  You can keep your finances separate, you dont have to do joint accounts, credits, anything.  If you have a great credit score and want a house, car, whatver, you can use your credit.  My parents both have good credit scores but my mom’s is better so she used her info for stuff like a loan, house, etc.

I think your love is what matters the most and coming from someone who is financially unstable, you guys can get through it together.  Im not as in dire straights are your Boyfriend or Best Friend but I have alot debt and my DH has obviously stuck by me and we are working together to pay off everything.  I didnt tell my DH how much I actually owed until recently, I always lowballed it because I was embarassed, which is probably what your Boyfriend or Best Friend did.

I truly hope you guys can work it out and that everything will be ok!

Post # 28
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

As a much older consumer,I have to add just a few things. I see several serious red flags with this guy,but no matter what everyone else tells you,you have to be the one to either follow your HEAD or follow your HEART.

Can it be fixed? Sure…but for how long? People really never change or change their habits, and since you know all this right now, do you want to spend the rest of your life together being the finance police? No matter what the reason,the fact is that he chose to not only hide this from you,but he also chose to ignore his debt. How long did he think he’d get away with it? Who did he think was responsible for repayment?

I know you want some guidance (or maybe you have already formulated a plan?),but honestly,no one can tell you how best to deal with this. If you think the relationship is worth saving,you’ll do it. If not,you’ll be walking away and hopefully not tormenting yourself over not being able to save him from himself.

I wish you luck.

Post # 29
Member
5495 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

*HUGS* You have every right to be hurt. Honestly, I wouldn’t marry him until he actually shaped up. I’m not saying leave him. You’re right to take a step back.

If you feel like this is somethng worth fighting for, fight for it. If you think that you can’t trust him after this, keep waiting to get married until you can again. He lied about something very serious, and he needs to know there are consquences. And if that means he lives on his own again for awhile, then so be it.

 

Post # 30
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

Ditto on Suze Orman’s YF&B.  That book is so clear, accessible, and empowering!  

It sounds like your fiance has a tendency to stick his head in the ground about debt, and hope that it will either go away or that he can fix it before it becomes known to his friends/family.  Go through his credit report with him, and have him go through yours with you.  Make a plan and a timeline to get out of debt.  Then stick to it.

I don’t think that at this point, if he’s The One for you, that this is enough to leave him.  I do think that putting the engagement on hold is a good idea.  In my opinion, at least, financial maturity is absolutely key for both members of a successful marriage.

Post # 31
Member
803 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

It sounds like the bigger issue here may be that he has lied all this time about his finances. If he had been honest with you from the beginning would you have felt differently about his debt?

You’re right that money issues are the #1 reason for divorce. Sounds like you have alot to think about. Maybe putting him on hold for a while so he can get it together might be considered not a break up but a break. Good luck. We’ll be here for you if you need to talk

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