(Closed) Yet another anonymous post, from yet another sad girl. Please help! Need advice!

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

wow…i dont know. ((hugs)) i think i probably would have asked him to leave too.

the lying is bad. but the irresponsibility is what really would have upset me. if at 28, you cant be responsible for debt you accumulated, whats going to happen when we have kids, decide to buy a house?

i also dont agree with all this “work with him” business. why should you have to go over his credit report with him like he is 16.  whether you are legally responsible for his debt or not, once you get married, money will be leaving your household to pay for his exwifes ring.  i really feel your anger.  if he values you and your relationship, he will take the initiative to resolve all these issued himself.  once you see him with a second job, you’ll know he’s ready to make a change.

i guess i dont really have any advice.  i just cant get on board with the concept of ‘fighting for someone if you love them” when this is not about something he cant control.  i forsee a situation where you will spend the rest of your relationship with him being his mommy….writing his checks, giving him an allowance so he doesnt over spend, paying all of his bills.  what kind of life is that?  that will get real old, real fast, especially once their are real children to take care of.

Post # 33
7959 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think some stupid financial mistakes can be forgiven.  You can work to rectify those.  I would be much more worried about untruthfulness and him hiding things from you.  Unless he is willing to lay everything out on the table and come clean and work with you and a credit counseling service to fix this, I would be hesitant to continue the relationship.  So I say, if he is willing to work on it then continue dating him.  But keep your accounts separate and do not marry this man until he has things cleared up.

Post # 35
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

It sounds like you’ve already made the decision to change the relationship.  I agree with Jacqui, above.  While I feel like marriage is for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, you are not married.  You aren’t engaged yet, right?  If I were in your situation, I would have him move out and work on things, come to grips with his debts and make a plan for repayment.  Then after a while, perhaps consider moving forward.  That said, though, he has had a year of this and done nothing good to better his situation.  I hate to say it, but if i were you, I would make that move and see where life took me.  You never know, it could be back with him or with someone else.  You should marry someone from your head AND your heart.

Post # 36
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@ThisCan’tBeHappening: The feeling that you have towards this process (in your last post) is why we each make different decisions with situations like this.  Unfortunately, you are going to have to hold his hand through this and hope that eventually he does get better about it (as my Fiance did).  And still, you’ll have to be “financial mommy” from time to time.  That’s the choice you have to make.

Post # 37
27 posts
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’m sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. I would like to offer some food for thought from the perspective of someone who has made some huge financial mistakes. Being in debt to creditors is an emotionally crippling thing that is hard to crawl out of. It destroys your self-esteem. Especially if that debt was incurred at a time in your life that you would really not like to relive. I would bet that your partner is well aware of the need for a good credit score, however he may not be ready emotionally to have to rehash his unfinished education or his feelings from a previous relationship. Especially if he is having to face it alone. His avoidance of his past debt may also be due to his realization that it is a hot button issue with you. If his confidence about himself is shaky in regard to his past debt and the love of his life is very black and white regarding the issue of finances, he is in a tough spot. This by no means excuses his behavior or makes it less hurtful for you, but it may offer a little understanding of why he has been burying his head in the sand this past year.

Post # 38
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I really understand what you are going through, because the same thing happened to me.

I moved in with my fiance in February 2008. About a month later, I started noticing that he would ignore phone calls and was getting more and more stressed out.  One day he finally broke down and told me what was going on.  After he left his last girlfriend because he found out she was on drugs he became depressed.  The way he dealt with his depression was to spend money, and lots of it.  He ran up one credit card to $30,000.  He had also taken out several pay day advance loans so they were trying to collect as well.  He had gotten behind on both of those things because by the time he paid the rent, his car, and other bills, there was barely anything left.  He went to college and had a great job, but it was just to much. I think the grand total of what he was behind in alone was $40,000

He was very scared to tell me.  He thought that the first thing I would do would be to leave him.  Of course, I did sort of freak out.  Mostly because I am younger than him, and it was a lot to take on.  Personally, the only debt I had was my car payment.  However, I decided to stay with him because I love him and I know he is the man for me.  We have since then paid off all of his outstanding debt, we now only owe on things that we have not gotten behind in which is our cars and two credit cards that we keep just to help out our credit scores.  Here is what we did:

First, I became responsible for budgeting out finances.  When I was 11 I went on my first big field trip.  It was a weekend field trip to NYC and for a girl from GA that was a big deal.  I remember my dad telling me on the way to drop me off with my group “It’s better to be frugal than frivilous” and that mentality has stuck with me all these years.  First, we tackled all the smaller depts from the pay day advances.  Every pay check we would pay off one of them.  So in about six months all of those were gone.  We then settled the $30,000 credit card for $9,000.  That helped out ALOT.  If we hadn’t answered the phone for the debt collectors, we would have never known we could do that.  And now, it is paid off.  I think if I had left him, he never would have gotten it together, because he is terrible with his finances.  I was able to provide the motivation that he needed.

I am in no way saying that the process was not emotional.  For a year, we lived pay check to pay check.  Sometime at the end of the month, our checking account would be at $0.  I would walk to work to save on gas, we would never eat out, and it was hard.  But today, we are no longer living like that and are able to save money at the end of the month.  Oh, and a year ago his credit score was a 450, now it is at 600.  We still have to wait a little longer until we buy a house, but I am okay with that.

Try talking to him.  Maybe you can help him get on the right track.  If you love him, stick by him.  It will be hard, but together you two can get through it.    

Post # 39
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I wouldn’t call this a deal-breaker for because it sounds to me like he just never had the guidance to be financially responsible.

Coming from the other end of this, I understand his side because when I graduated college, I had wracked up a lot of debt because I was really irresponsible with credit cards. I was horribly embarassed, and I knew I had to tell my husband (boyfriend at the time of two years). So I did, and it was one of the hardest things I had to do, but he was really supportive. I told him exactly how much was in collections, and helped me research debt support groups to fix it, and oh my god, it made me feel so much better.

I think doing the same with your boyfriend is the best thing to do. I don’t think he’s lying to you on purpose, which of course would be a concern if he was. He probably just doesn’t understand what a big deal this is. Helping him through it will be rewarding for you both, and getting him into some support groups or something is imperative … he needs to understand that money is a big deal, and saving for a future, while building good credit will not only benefit him, but you as well if he’s serious about getting married.

Also, I understand why this is a shock to you, and you have every right to be upset, but just keep in mind that his debt amount is NOT that bad. Well, yeah, it’s not good, but while I was reading your post, I was fully expecting you to say that he was in the hole $20,000 or something. I was in debt about $6K, but some of the people my debt support person was also assisting were in debt much more than that, so just keep in mind that it could have been worse. It’s definitely not too late to get this taken care of now, and in a few years, he’ll be back on the right track.

If you think he’s the one for you, this is most definitely worth helping him through (emotionally, not financially, of course!).

Good luck with your decision, hun. Keep us posted!

Post # 41
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

It doesn’t seem like he is a deadbeat – he has a job, he pays some bills. The total amount of his debt is actually not crazy, you can get out of that hole.  He clearly has some seriously concerning financial habits.  The fact that he didn’t tell you, while somewhat concerning, is probably mostly due to him being ashamed vs. being a dishonest person.

Only you can tell how serious he is about taking charge of this and how much you are willing to put up with. I would think that if you love him as deeply as you say and  you want to marry this man, then if he is truly serious about turning his financial situation and habits around, you would be there to support and help him. 

Post # 42
219 posts
Helper bee

First of all (((HUGS))))

Are you upset about the debt or about the debt being in collections?

Just trying to understand before I make a comment.

Post # 43
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

It sounds like maybe you aren’t really prepared to make the commitment to see your bf through this.  And honestly, I don’t really blame you.  I don’t think every relationship can withstand every obstacle, and fankly I don’t know that every realtionship should withstand every challenge. 

If you aren’t totally prepared to being the “financial police” and to holding your bf’s hand on all money matters, and if you resent that you will probably have to be the financial head of the household, getting back together with him isn’t going to work.  It doesn’t seem like you want to take on that responsibility.  It’s fine as long as you recognize that about yourself and can convey your honest thoughts and feelings to your bf.  Maybe he’ll learn how to do this on his own, but more likely he will fail without your hands-on support and you will be just as angry/upset/hurt/etc… as you are now.  It’s not “your problem” to fix until you are willingly make it your problem.  If you don’t want to or aren’t ready, that’s ok, too. 

I think that I’m probably giving you advice you already know.  It seems like, from your posts, you have a gut feeling not to give your bf another chance.  Go with your gut.  If you try to do support him in this despite feeling unready/unwilling to do so, you’ll just end up more angry and more resentful and he’ll probably feel the same way.  Good luck!  I’ll be thinking about you.

Post # 44
2765 posts
Sugar bee

There is some great advice on the thread!

What I would add is that the sort of love and connection you describe… it’s a rare thing.  It sounds like the sort of thing worth saving… but only you can make that decision.

I am rooting for you guys!

Post # 45
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think you said it in your 2nd post- the biggest issue is that he ignored it instead of owning up to his mistakes and figuring out how to move forward. Debt and court judgments don’t just magically disappear, so it showed a lack of maturity to not think it would all eventually catch up to him. That would definitely be a concern for me- especially at that age.

My fiance was in a considerable amount of debt early in our relationship due to being unemployed. He was going through that burying his head in the sand phase, and it was definitely difficult because I felt like I didn’t really know exactly how bad it was, and I know he was too embarrassed to want to talk about it. Eventually, though, there was a point where he realized that he had goals like getting married, buying a house, etc. and he had to do something drastic if he wanted to achieve those goals. He bought Dave Ramsey’s book and started following a very strict budget. It was tough, but it worked because he was motivated to want to change. He paid off all of the credit card debt he had in a little over a year and now anything that he wants to buy, he puts away money for it until he has the cash to afford it. It took us a little longer to get engaged than other couples our age, but I at least knew that he was being responsible and not buying the ring until it was completely paid for. 

If I were in your shoes, I would probably step back and see what he does on his own to try and get himself out of this mess. I’m not so sure that what he is doing now really shows that has a full understanding of the problem. I mean- he only owned up to it because he was sort of forced to, not because he wanted to be honest with you. He has to be willing to put his ego on the line, admit he needs help, and start doing the work to change. There are other issues behind why he ignored this for so long, and he needs to get to the bottom of those in order to change his bad habits for the future. I would wait and see how serious he is about following through on the things he says he’s going to do before you start talking about your future and marriage again. 

Post # 46
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m not one of those types that thinks love can conquer all and is the most important thing.  I think you’re being smart by asking him to move out, although I don’t think you should have moved in with him without knowing his financial situation like seeing his credit report.  I guess I’m a little more business minded and not so lovey dovey about things when it comes to finances.  Have him move out and prove to you that he can budget his money and pay off his debt.  I have a friend who is married and her husband can’t even balance his checkbook…constantly overdraws their accounts and thinks that a credit card is no big deal and they’ll pay it off some day.  I’d rather wait on getting married so that he can get his act together then get married and hope he figures it out.  Money and finances are a very commong thing to fight about and I think starting off a marriage already having these fights can’t be such a good idea.  Anyway, I support you kicking him out…maybe it’ll be a big kick in the ass for him.  Good job.

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