(Closed) Yet another anonymous post, from yet another sad girl. Please help! Need advice!

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
3098 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Having been in this situation, but on HIS end of it, let me explain how I think he might have felt and why he didn’t tell you.

First of all, he didn’t know the amount of debt he had. I didn’t either, because I didn’t want to deal with it. He didn’t either. And when people don’t want to deal with something, what do they do? Pretend it doesn’t exist. And debt is one of those things that is easy to ignore. Unless bill collectors are calling you all day, every day, you don’t think about it on a daily basis. It only comes up when you need something and can’t get it.

Second, he was embarassed. Of course he was. So was I. Telling my Fiance about my debt sucked. I did have to step up and take control of my situation, and so will he, one way or another – with or without you. The question is, will he? Do you believe he will? Has he committed to this? You need to find out.

He’s not a deadbeat because the government is garnishing his wages. This is very common with student loans and college debt. He’s actually in fairly good company right now, with the present state of our country. We rack up debt in our own little ways. For me, my industry folded, and I was laid off again and again and again. Credit card bills didn’t get paid, but I still needed them  to survive. It happens. But it has to be handled.

Do you love him? Will you see him through this? That’s your decision. But as to whether or not he fixes his debt situation – that’s HIS decision. But try not to judge so harshly. I don’t think he was purposefully deceiving you. Try to put yourself in his shoes, and then once you are no longer in shock and no longer emotional, have a conversation with him – not a why is this, or how could you or why didn’t you… but a what are you going to do to fix this, for real – conversation.

And only after that – should you make your decision. Best of luck to you.

Post # 48
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think you’ve gotten a lot of good advice here, from all different sides and perspectives. In the end, I think you have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. ALL of the things you’ve said about how wonderful you are together won’t help if this is a deal breaker, because you’ll end up resenting him enough that it won’t matter how wonderful everything else is.

I think, for me, your situation would be a dealbreaker. My biggest issue would be that he didn’t do anything about it until you told him to leave. It doesn’t sound to me like you didn’t know about this issue at all – it just sounds like you didn’t know how severe it was and that you’d been asking him to deal with it for a year. I’m thinking about how irritated I feel when my husband doesn’t take care of things that are important and he’s said he’ll do. I don’t think I could handle it if it were something as important as debt. I’d just be more and more annoyed and I just don’t think I could do it. I don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck and it was important to me that my husband have similar financial values as I did.

That being said, I think you should give yourself a few days. Let it stink in, think about what it’d mean for you in the short and long term… and decide if it’s a deal breaker. If it is, that’s ok. Better to realize that than be unhappy trying to force yourself to deal with something you can’t.

Good luck!

Post # 49
Member
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

This would seriously make me reconsider the relationship.  If he lied to you about that, how do you know that they won’t lie about it again?  Or if things happen and he gets in debt again would he hide it?  I think that the only way I would seriously consider staying is if he can make a debt plan to take care of the debts and pay them off and then find a way to stay out of it.

Just so you know, the debt consolidation thing won’t help his credit report and if they get any of his debt forgiven it will be taxable.  The student loan debt WILL NOT go away with debt consolidation, he will have to pay that no matter what.  You could always get loans in your name only but if you did that, I would make sure to have the assets in only your name as well.

Post # 50
Member
5992 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

i dont think he is being devious and lying – i think he just is in denial. although its upsetting and disappointing, it doesnt mean hes a bad person, yes hes being stupid about finances but it seems he hasnt reached deadbeat stage yet.

this is something that can be fixed

this is something that can be fixed together

you have made a start, you have told him where the line is and what he must do. Credit counseling is the best thing because it will allow an outsider to look over the situation with a clincal non emotional eye to assess everything and you can make a plan/budget and move forward.

im more concerned that you are prepared to throw away everything at the first hurdle of your lives together?   did i read this right when you wrote  “I want to make it clear that I’m NOT supporting him in any way.”   marriage is about supporting eachother in the good and bad times.

when i first met my hubby i had $30K in credit card bills and he was there for me when i decided to sit down and tackle the problem and get rid of them and yes, sometimes he helped me out financially but thats what you do when you are spending your life with someone, you are there for eachother.

im not saying your FI’s behaviour can continue but you have to set some bountries and make some plans. Maybe joint bank accounts and you running the budget might work for the 2 of you

sending you lots of hugs because youre obviously very upset and i hope things start looking better soon

 

Post # 51
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Hey girl, I just skimmed through the advice you’ve already recieved, so if you’ve already heard this, forgive me for repeating someone (probably RecessionistaBride, if she’s been here, we always have the same advice).

I am a HUGE proponent of second chances. But I think a lot of times women forget that second chances don’t all look the same. We are so emotionally tied to things that we sometimes forget that solutions don’t need to (or can’t) be immediate.

In your situation, the question is whether or not your Fiance will be able to change his financial ways, and then AFTER that question is answered there seems to be the result of whether you are willing to financially ‘police’ him. Change is a very difficult thing for a lot of people, and I have to say, I’ve seen a higher number of men in their late 20s making really stupid choices than I would expect to. I don’t know what makes them so irresponsible, but it seems a fair number of men just get themselves into sticky situations, and can’t seem to back out.

My ex was kind of the same way, except his parents bailed him out for everything (finances was not the cause of our breakup, for the record).

okay, lemme stop rambling and get to my point:

If I were in your shoes I would give him a second chance, but not right away. If he’s going to change, he needs to change for himself, on his own terms, or else it won’t be real change – it’ll just be you standing behind him pulling the strings like a puppet master 🙂

Continue to talk to him about this. Talk to him about why financial stability is so important, and what you would expect out of man who you are going to marry. Try to be as unemotional and unaccusing as you can, but be honest and upfront with him. If I were in your shoes, I would try to end the conversation with something along the lines of, “I love you, and my love for you is a lot bigger than finances, but right now, you have a problem that needs to be addressed, and if I continue to hold your hand through this, you won’t learn to deal with it for yourself. So right now, I need space, and you need space. You need to learn to change for your own sake, because I can’t live my life financially policing you. I’m not giving you any deadlines, but if you find you’re able to make the changes we’ve talked about and stick with them, then I’ll be here, still loving you. Even if it means you have to come to [other city] next year and find me, I’ll still love you. I just can’t be with you right now because of the way you’ve been so deceptive regarding your finances.” and then leave.

Essentially taking a break from your relationship, but letting him know that you still love him. Ideally, he’ll kick his butt into gear, get out of debt and realize how important it is to be a responsible adult. And then he’ll come back and find you, and you can give him the second chance then.

Post # 52
Member
5870 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

(Hugs!

Post # 53
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

hon, if he is truly the love of your life, stick it out, but here is my POV

do NOT marry him until it is straightened out!  even if you aren’t “mommy”, have full disclosure on his finances (and yours!)

find out how to protect yourself from his debt    even if he temporarily straightens up, you might want to consider a prenup   (yes, I said it!  I normally hate that word, but I really don’t want to see you get hurt!)

I am a little concerned about him blaming his ex wife…I know of one case, personally, where this actually happened…however, considering his CURRENT behavior, I have major doubts about that story…I have seen a few cases of people blaming an ex for some behavior, the new Girlfriend accepting that reason, then realizing it was really the guy who had the issue…one of my friends had this happen.  Her DH had been engaged before, and he blamed his lack of $ on the ex-fiance…he had excuses for his job, too…now, guess what…their credit cards are maxed out, and she has MAJOR stress w/ kid #2 on the way…he still won’t make many sacrifices, and she is constantly clipping coupons, etc. to help out, then he makes fun of her for doing that    it is so sad

honestly, I don’t think the amount of $ you meantioned is insurmountable, I thought it would be more $, as I took out $40K for my student loan (tho, I am in that field now and make good $)  but I think the underlying issues, as you said, are the bigger issues…the denial…I have to wonder if there is some other underlying issue that could be helped with counseling.

I honestly hope it works out for you, but take care of yourself!  If you marry him soon and it gets worse, I know you will be very upset…at least I would!

Post # 54
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I also just skimmed this, but I want to offer my advice.  He might not have lied maliciously, and just been in denial, but that’s not a good sign for your future.  I’d say don’t even think about getting engaged or married until he’s set up a plan for paying off his debt and not getting it back in the future.  If he can prove to you that he’s changing his habits and improving his credit, you can move forward with the knowledge that it won’t be easy.  If he can’t change… that’s not something you want to deal with.

Post # 55
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

ok…i hope i don’t sound to harsh, but this is just my opinion. He sounds like he has a lot of excuses and has been very decieving towards you to what he financial status is.  I kind of find it disturbing. Also the fact that he KNEW he had all this debt and would say he was going to get a second job, but never did.  Very lazy and irresponsible.  Take ownership of your past actions buddy. How can he think he could have a future with you as his wife, kids with you, buy a home with you, if all of this was hanging over him.  I would think VERY differently had you told us he has been working to pay off all his debt.  I forget if you have mentioned how long you guys have been together,  and I HATE to say this, but maybe this is a blessing in disguise.  It is better to know now, then later.   I think it was a extremly SMART descision for you to ask him to move out.  If it was me, I would wait to see if he can show you that he is making the right decisions to get rid of the debt, and only then would I consider any type of future with him.  He can talk and say he is going to do this or that all day long, but until he takes the correct actions to improve his financial status, it doesn’t matter. 

This is so hard girl, my heart goes out to you.  I had a serious relationship prior to my Fiance.  He was my frist love.  He kind of sounds like your boyfriend.  Fun loving, great guy.  Had a lot a debt (and well to be honest, a drinking issue as well)  i don’t think it was 100% just the money issues, but what bothered me more  was that by living the life he was, he wasn’t having any consideration for his future.  You know you owe lots of money, helllooooo get a 2nd job, don’t spend as much and FIX IT!  What it came down to it,  we were very different people, how we lived our lives, what we wanted in our futures and what we were going to do to achieve those goals in our future.   He was a live here and the now and lets have fun guy and I am a lets put half my paycheck in savings type gal.  Ugh…now i’m just rambling.  i guess what i’m trying to say is maybe this will help him get on track or maybe this is a eye opener for you.

Hugs to you sweetheart!

Post # 56
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I think everyone has the advice aspect covered here, so (((((((HUGS)))))))!

Post # 58
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

I have a friend who married the love of her life, but 20 years later he is $30,000 in debt. He is also (different but related issue) too depressed to work so she supports them both. She still loves him and is glad she’s with him but she has no nest egg or retirement security and they live very close to the edge. You shouldn’t throw him out if you love him and he’s the one – but there should be a financial firewall between you so his creditors can’t come after you (don’t think it can’t happen). I wouldn’t marry him until you figure out a way to keep his money issues from sinking your ship.

 

I have two friends who are a happy couple and have been together for ten years. But they are not married because she won’t marry him. Why? Because he doesn’t file with the IRS and she doesn’t want that falling on her when they finally find him.

Post # 59
Member
10216 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

i am really surprised at how much i disagree with most of the advise in the thread this time?!  i guess because i’ve been on the other end as well. extremely irresponsible, wanting to do better (i.e. going to school) and not making enough money to cover school after i am done. i am still kicking myself from a student loan that i took out. the interest rate can increase exponentially for no reason at all (private student loan for a private college). big mistake and i had to learn on my own, i had no one to teach me.  throw in a couple of bad relationships, he’s  been divorced, right? and a bout of depression, and you’ve got years of denial and awful credit.  trust me he feels awful enough and probably sick to his stomach even thinking about the amount of debt he has, which isn’t that large. i mean he can pay it off within two years if he gets on a great plan.  perhaps give him dave ramsey’s book and take him to a seminar.  i am not saying to take him back and marry him, but honestly if he was the love of my life, we’d work together to make things right.  marriages aren’t composed of perfect people with no flaws, they are composed of humans. i probably am going to get a lot of grief from this but i honestly think he needs you to help him, especially if you are good with money.  you can help him by building his self esteem back up to let him know look you screwed up, but it’s okay here’s what you should do to make it better.  he may have also felt really guilty about the purchasing of your ring as well, feeling that you deserved better than he could afford and instead of him telling you look i can only afford x, he gave you what you wanted because he loved you enough to push his own well being on the backburner (ie, not paying bills, but paying for an engagement ring). if he has a garnishment, he can definitely negotiate with the government and chat with them and go over his bills etc. i would discourage him from going through credit counseling because it can make his credit worse than it was originally, and he can negotiate on his own.  Good luck. 

Post # 60
Member
5262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think you were right to acknowledge that you need time to think about this, and I understand how much it must have hurt to not have him tell you the entire truth. Money is something that a couple really needs to be on the same page with. That being said, I feel bad for him. Yes, he should have gotten things in order and been more upfront with you. But I’m guessing he felt really ashamed. If you really love him, you need to sit down with him and explain to him that honesty and his willingness to work hard to get back on track and establish good habits to avoid this in the future are the important things. Stress that you love him, and that this is something that you two can get through together – if you want to. This is the kind of crossroads moment where your relationship is tested. Fiance and I have had about three of these moments, and each was horribly painful, but we made the decision to lean on each other and work it out together. 

I think it’s also important that if you decide to work forward, you make him an agreement that you won’t hold it against him in the future. It’s too easy to slip into that pattern of, “oh, you shouldn’t get to do that because I put up with ______” and that’s just not healthy. 

Post # 61
Member
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Hey girl, I’m not going to go thorugh some long, drawn out piece of advice. it looks like you’ve heard a TON of great stuff from the girls on here.

Have you heard of Dave Ramsey? Like Suze Orman, he’s a financial counselor, but he focuses on getting people out of debt and even has a daily radio show about it. If it’s not on a local station, you can google Dave Ramsey streaming to find an online feed that’s broadcasting him.

Seriously, he has the best advice for how to deal with collection agencies, pay off your debt, and turn your financial situation around.

He also offers a class called Financial Peace University that you and your Fiance would take together (it’s like $119 for registration, and that pays for materials and the class fee). Local churches host it and if you look on his site you can find one near you.

The reason I like him so much is that he deals every day with couples who have these kinds of problems and he talks a lot about how you and your SO need to be on the same page when it comes to money.

Anyway, I hope you at least look into him, because he’s fantastic.

Hope your situation gets worked out. I’m rooting for you, too!

<3

The topic ‘Yet another anonymous post, from yet another sad girl. Please help! Need advice!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors