(Closed) Yet another post about going crazy waiting… but I just have to vent! Long…

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I don’t mean to dissapoint or offend you, but it seems like your BF is dangling a carrot in front of you in the form of a ring.  Engagements should never be used as bargaining chips, and that is exactly what he’s doing.  He’s telling you to change yourself before he’ll do it, which isn’t a nice thing to do.  He’s marrying YOU, not the person he wishes you were. Telling someone “I won’t marry you until you do X,W,Z” is more than a little manipulative.  I would advise that you come up with a timeline for yourself.  Do not tell him what it is.  And then live your life. Harassing him about a proposal is not going to help,  It’s  just going to annoy him and drive you nuts, ultimately resulting in a “shut up ring.”  Those of us who have received “shut up rings” know how insincere and horrible they are.  On the rare occasion a shut up ring actually results in marriage, divorce is usually soon to follow.

Don’t get me wrong, I am EXTREMELY impatient and a control freak to boot, but I trust that my BF is doing what he needs to do to make a proposal imminent.  He’s never once threatened not to propose unless I changed something about myself.  That would be absurd.  There are always going to be parts of our personality our partners wish were a little different.  Demanding our partners change those things before we’ll marry them is nothing more than game-playing. 

I feel for you and I wish you the best, despite my less than sunny response! 

Post # 4
Member
938 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Oh I’m so sorry hon! Isn’t it great to be able to vent here though?

I agree with lezlers that he’s dangling a carrot.  You are right he *may* propose in August but definitely make a deal wtih yourself: have your own internal timeline and then let it go. Be as loving and (not control freak) with him for that period of time, and you can relax and enjoy the relationship. For example, you’re not going to talk about marriage for 3 months. Or 1 month. Or whatever.  Just since it’s been such a sore subject it’s nice to let it breathe a little.

Haha wish I could take my own advice 🙂

 

Post # 5
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m so sorry you feel this way and I would like to give my perspective without offending 🙁

If my boyfriend EVER said to me what yours did, I wouldn’t want a ring, I would want a new boyfriend. I’m so sorry, but it’s true what a PP said. You may end up with a “shut up” ring. And you don’t want that. You want the man to be so head over heels in love with you, that he can’t WAIT to propose !

And a ring doesn’t need to be so expensive that he works overtime shifts. Hell, my ring was less then $1000 and I’m in LOVE with it. But that’s also because I am in love with the man who continues to this day to tell me that I take his breath away.

I also agree to set a timeline for yourself and not tell him what it is, because frankly, this is making you miserable 🙁

Post # 6
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

I mostly agree with bee-gotten…  And I agree that he is not handling it very well, but maybe he is just doing what he knows how to do.  I hate to say this, but it sounds like he’s not completely sure about you.  And it would be wrong for him to propose if he isn’t sure.  Requiring counseling and changes seems lousy, but it also says something about the situation.  Are you sure you want to marry him?

Hang in there!

Post # 7
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think you should consider what the other posters said, but as someone who is also waiting it has helped to have a timeline. My boyfriend has hinted that it will probably happen in the next 3-4 months, but probably not July, because he needs to get everything in order. So now I am trying to not bring up rings/engagements for the next month. I know he’s working on it, and certain things take time. Probably when August rolls around I’ll get ants in my pants, but for now I’m giving him time.

Post # 8
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Okay, well I”ll just say that my DH showed similar traits to your SO during the pre-engagement process. We dated for about 1 year before moving in and at that time I told him a ring had better be on the way soon if I agreed to live with him to which he agreed. I knew he was saving and he made similar remarks, leading me to believe he was actually saving and had intentions of proposing.

Then we went on a romantic trip to Maine for a long weekend and no proposal. Two months later we went to Cabo, no proposal. I was getting so fed up, he had completely stopped talking about the engagement, even when people frequently referred to us as husband and wife. The second we stepped off the plane from Mexico, I asked him what was up. He tried to change the subject, but finally admitted he wasn’t ready to get engaged and was having a hard time with the commitment.

I am just like you and knew I could NOT be comfortable with that, so I told him I understood, but he had to move out right away. I gave him two weeks to find a new place and move his stuff and said I wanted to take some time off. I was totally serious, he thought I was bluffing but I wasn’t. Once he realized I wasn’t budging and I was totally fed up and he was about to lose me, I had a ring on my finger immediately. And I’m telling you DH is the happiest married man I’ve ever seen and he thanks me to this day for pushing him.

So basically I’m saying don’t listen to anyone if they tell you to just get a hobby and stop bugging your SO. Because this is a really big deal and it’s important to not let him walk all over you, especially about the engagement. It’s at a point now where he needs to fish or cut bait and while breaking up sounds like a horrible option, it’s the only alternative now to getting engaged.

Post # 10
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@purplebee: He’s 39?? I’m so sorry, but it sounds like he will never want to commit. The good news is, if you feel that this relationship is not what makes your heart flutter, you are young enough to start over. I didn’t meet the love of my life until I was 36 years old.

Post # 11
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Age is usually less relevant than how much someone has worked on their stuff. If he wants to see a counselor, that’s GREAT and nothing to be ashamed of. Keep in mind that you will still have to work through your issues (like the languages of love) even after you’re engaged, and after you’re married – you can’t hope to fix EVERYTHING before getting engaged because it’s a lifelong process. I can imagine if he feels this way, the idea of commitment is overwhelming and scary. Seeing a counselor together would probably help you immensely (like it does for every couple!).

Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

What you’re describing (threatening to break up if there’s no proposal forthcoming) is not the same thing as dangling a carrot.  Dangling a carrot means you keep holding out something someone else wants in order to get them to do various things (usually with no intention of ever giving them what it is they keep chasing.)  Developing your own timeline and sticking to it is telling your BF that you are taking control of your own life and if he isn’t going to give you what you need, you are going to find it somewhere else.

At 39, I’d be very concerned about his fear of commitment.  This isn’t some guy in his late teens or early twenties.  Fortunately at 25 you’ve still got some time to wait, if that’s what you choose to do.  However, just from what you’ve posted it doesn’t seem like he’s too sure about you, as much as that might hurt to hear.  Two years in, you should know.  You could still be waiting to get engaged for other reasons, sure, but you should definately know if you intend to marry the person you’re with.  That’s just my opinion. Your mileage may, of course, vary.

Post # 14
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

But…why are you so insistent on getting engaged if you guys don’t get along all that well?

I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I don’t get it.. it just seems a little strange for you both to be seeing counselors so early in a relationship. Maybe that’s just me.

Post # 15
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

seconded

Post # 16
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I wouldn’t worry too much about his age – my FI (never married) was 38 when we met, 41 when we got engaged.  I heard a lot of “Oh, if he hasn’t settled down by now, he never will.”  Although I’m sure there are some committement issues there, age has nothing to do with it.

What has everything to do with it is finding the right person and the right timing.  All I can say is, when and if he wants to marry you, he will ask you.  You can’t control that.  But you can control how long you are willing to wait and what you do in the meantime – it sounds like you  are already doing that.  If you really think this is the guy for you, stick to your guns.  But don’t put your hopes on this guy just because.  Make sure he’s the right one. 

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