Yet another setback

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Hostess
9084 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

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ladyspectrum :  only you can really decide which is more important/ needs to come first, grad school or a wedding.

Post # 3
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee

Just make sure you are not creating hurdles as a reason not to get married. I’m all for grad school but plenty of people do both. 

Post # 4
Member
7644 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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ladyspectrum :  Does your SO currently live with his parents? Do you? How do you and your SO feel about living together while you go to grad school and could you afford to do this?

You mentioned in a previous post that you would be the breadwinner in the relationship. Does your SO work? Do you have the means to pay for a graduate degree? How will a graduate degree improve your career options and future income? Will you be able to manage your seasonal health issues while in school? (And has your therapist suggested any light management therapy?)

What conversations have the two of you already had with your parents about marriage and how supportive have they been? 

Post # 5
Member
7591 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Why do you  need to include your parents in a conversation about getting married to your bf?

Post # 6
Member
663 posts
Busy bee

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ladyspectrum :  you’re creating setbacks. You quit your job. You’re saying you need a grad degree to get married? Something is wrong. Dig deeper

Post # 7
Member
5780 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m not understanding why everything has to be in order for an engagement or even a marriage to take place, shouldn’t you and your partner be a support system for each other in all of this? Being married doesn’t mean you can’t do any of these things after marriage, plenty of married partners change careers and/ or return to school, start their own businesses etc.  Despite the importance rom-com’s and youtube-worthy proposals place on elaborateness, getting engaged and married doesn’t have to cost so much money that it’s constantly being moved on the horizon because it’s only attainable through $$$$. I’d take a step back and wonder if there’s some other underlying reasons the goal posts keep being moved further away. 

Post # 8
Member
656 posts
Busy bee

First, this is your life, and you’re considering a life together with your boyfriend.  Unless your parents are financially supporting you, they shouldn’t be a part of this conversation.  

Second, there is nothing that says being married and being in grad school are mutually exclusive.  I got married after my first year of law school.  Since that marriage didn’t last, my caveat is always this:  So long as you’ve lived independent, adult lives together BEFORE school, you know what your relationship will be like post-schooling.  School will just be a minor interruption.  

Post # 9
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I don’t understand why you have decided that you have to go to grad school before getting married, particularly as you say you are only considering applying for grad school because you feel as though you’ll never get married.

Seens a bit chicken and egg.

Post # 10
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

First of all, focus on what you have a loving fiance, sounds like a supportive family and opportunities.  I am not sure why you have to go to grad school  A lot of people get married and they are poor but happy and in love – done all the time.  I do think part of our problem is we have become very entitled.  And when I say poor we have no idea about poor – think third world or our bottom 20percent.  People whine and complain – I just looked and about 70 percent in most areas in our city the family income was over 100,000 dollars.   Ido realize there are a lot who are marginalized but the so called struggling two income family at say 120,000 with the big SUV and Honda Accord, apple computers, cell phones for all, eating out before the soccer and hockey games,

You might have to budget, you might have to compromise buying the home (which I note is not always the case still with supposedly starving students) but at least you will be doing it with someone who l oves and support you as you go through grad school or whatever. 

 yes, it may mean more budgeting and not the wedding you originally anticipated.  i guess only you can answer is being married more important than having everything in place which really may never get in  place.  Is this really a setback? Or are ou creating problems which don’t really exist – I am not tring to be mean.  If you love him you can get creative with your wedding which will be awesome mainly be cause you are committing your life and vice versa to each other.  Life has lots of roadblocks, setbacks; we don’t need to create more unnecessarily.  There is family and student loans.

Post # 13
Member
7644 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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ladyspectrum :  Grad school sounds like a good decision. 

How often do you get to see each other? Are your parents (or his) open to you spending time together at their homes?

Regardless, take your time and do what’s right for you. 

Post # 15
Member
7644 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Long distance is hard, and not the best way to really get to know someone. Can you ever get away somewhere that isn’t one of your parents’ homes for a long weekend? 

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