Post # 1
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
I had made clear very early on in our relationship that I was not okay with my fi(so at the time) going to strip clubs or having strippers at his bachelor party. He agreed and still does. However it came up today that he expects to be able to go to his friends’ bachelor parties, even if they involve strip clubs or strippers.Realistically, it would be more of a going to a strip club and not a private party with an invited stripper, but I don’t feel okay with either. We said we would discuss it after work and I’m already anxious. How should I “convince” him? He is worried about looking whipped.
Eta: this is not meant to spur a debate over strip clubs or strippers; I am not changing my mind. Rather i am looking for advice to make a better argument/discussion with my fi 🙂
Post # 3
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
How does he think its different to go to other people’s bachelor parties and go to strip clubs vs his own? Isn’t it the exact same thing? Whats interesting is that before we were married I was totally not cool with strip clubs and now that we are, it doesnt really bother me. Whats his argument for thinking he should be able to go to them for other people’s when he isnt supposed to for his own?
Post # 4
Member
3847 posts
Honey bee
I am of the same opinion as you on this subject. I think that instead of looking “whipped” he should be able to say that this is important to you and that you are important to him so he chooses to respect your feelings about this. If his friends are the type of idiots that can’t respect the fact that he respects your feelings than he needs new friends. I think there is something incredibly sexy about a guy who can say to his friends that he and his fiance/wife have determined that this is where WE stand on this matter.
Post # 5
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I think it’s kinda harsh to make him skip celebrations for his friends because you feel uncomfortable with the activity his friends choose. It’s not as though he is breaking the law.
Post # 6
Hostess
16215 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I honestly don’t think it’d make him look “whipped.” It would look like he respects his wife-to-be!
What are the reasons you’ve agreed upon for no strippers/clubs for his own party?
Post # 7
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
I think you should let him go… the strippers will focus on the bachlor and not his friends, especially if he’s not tipping or paying.
But that’s just me, I don’t personally see what the big deal is and I know Darling Husband would be pissed if one of his bffs missed his bachelor party.
Post # 8
Member
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper
@MrsFuzzyFace: i second this!
however, another option could just be to not go. I don’t think he owes them an explanation. if a bachelor party comes up, he can go to dinner or whatever they do beforehand, and when they head off to the strip club, he can just say “see ya, have fun!” then they can bug him and he can say something like “sorry, i;m not into it, but have fun!” eventually they will leave it alone (i hope) as long as he is firm and doesn’t leave it open for discussion.
Post # 9
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
@PitBulLover:he thinks it is different because then he would not be the groom, so he would not be the target of the attention, like lap dances or something. But to me, I am not okay with him going period
@lovekiss: I understand he is not breaking any laws, but I am not comfortable with him going. I know people have very varied opinions on this subject, but this is mine and I do not want to argue why my opinion is what it is but perhaps how to approach this conversation 🙂
Post # 10
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I know you’re thinking “But he shouldn’t want to go!” but most men don’t want to be left out of group outings. If you tell him he can’t, he’ll just be pissed off and resentful. If you act like it’s ok but it’s not, you’ll be resentful.
I’d say you should just communicate what your boundaries are with him if he’s going to go. Let him know why it makes you uncomfortable, but ultimately the decision should be his.
Post # 11
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
@sugarcube: You are choosing to put him between a rock and a hard place because of your own issues. That’s not fair to him to make him chose between keeping the peace in your relationship, thereby letting down a friend, or celebrating a major milestone with one of his buddies and pissing you off. I would venture to say that no one likes to be put in that position. Life is full of legitimately hard decisions. Why make this into one? Is this really the battle that you want to choose?
Post # 12
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
@Gemstone: For his own party, we agreed that is was disrespectful that the night before the wedding, the man would feel the need to see/do things out of the norm because then hes “tied down forever.” I personally do not feel that it is okay for my Fiance to go look at nude women like that, especially when their job is to try and turn them on. I just think “would I want the father of my children doing that?” and to me, the answer is no. His reasoning is that at other parties, he wouldnt be the focus of all the attention, so it would be okay. But I do not feel okay with him going, even if hes not the center of the attention
Post # 13
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
I know it sounds hypocritical, but I would probably let him go. Even though I told him in no uncertain terms would I be ok with a stripper at his b-party. I was also not ok with their being any at mine. But, if we go to a friend’s party, we can’t control what they do, and I know we’d both want to go to our friends’ b-parties.
So I would tell him that he should know what I would consider ok/not ok if he chooses to attend, and to please respect that. You need to determine what’s ok for both of you – would he be uncomfortable if you were to do the same activity he wants to do?
Ironically, there was some Cosmo article that said at b-parties the groom is not the most likely to get some action. It’s single guys followed by attached guys. The groom was actually the least likely.
Post # 14
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
As some previous posters have mentioned, I don’t think even if your Darling Husband went to a strip club, it doesn’t mean he will be partaking in anything, in fact it will be the bachelor/groom to be. You can’t force him not to go, he will resent you.
I guess you just have to trust him. Just like he would trust you if your female friends took you to a strip club (oh yes, they have male strippers too!) and would just have a laugh, rather than a seedy encounter. But thats just me 🙂
I guess what I’m trying to say is, you can’t make this decision for him, however much you dislike the idea.
Post # 15
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
@hisgoosiegirl: I read that somewhere too! Maybe it was Cosmo, but now I don’t remember. And that plays slightly into why I don’t want him to go (mostly its just the nude women thing). I trust him not to do anything inappropiate with the women, but the fact that they are there, and he is seeing, makes me uncomfortable.
@lovekiss: I see your point. But on the flip side, why do *i* have to be the one that “suffers” (aka, gets pissed off that he goes), and not his friend? Aren’t I more important than his friend anyway?
My friend has been to a female club, and the men get their (clothed) area all in your face! I would not be okay with that for me. And if the genders were flipped, I wouldn’t want that either with my Fiance.
Post # 16
Member
3520 posts
Sugar bee
@lovekiss: You are choosing to put him between a rock and a hard place because of your own issues.
This is a very good point. OP, I guess the issue is that you have one feeling about strip clubs, and your Fi has another one. It’s not so much how would WE approach this conversation, but what compromise are you and your Fi going to come up with in regards to this? I don’t think anything we would recommend will really apply if you and your Fi are at 180 degrees separation on this one, other than being perfectly honest with him and leaving the decision up to him.
