Post # 1
Sigh – so i have posted before about my how my mother and I are not on speaking terms. My other family (aunts and great aunt) feel badly that my mother is not invited to the wedding. They feel badly coming b/c they are concerned it will upset her and they don’t want her to feel bad.
I am hurt b/c I don’t know why everyone is so worried about my mother’s feelings and not my own – especially given that I know she cares nothing about them. And of course there is also this – I was abused horribly by my mother as a child and as an adult, she is just as bad. I don’t want to go into it here but my own family tells me they can’t believe I actually survived my childhood (they didn’t know the extent of the abuse when I was younger and to be honest, they don’t know the half of it still b/c I guess don’t want to freak them out any more than they already are.)
I never dreamed of a wedding when I was little b/c I was lacking some really basic things. But in some way, that makes the wedding even more important to me. It was something I’d never even dare to dream of as a little girl but as a woman, it’s absolutely possible for me and that is so huge coming from where I came from why don’t my aunts see that??
I’d like to say something to them about how I feel but I don’t want to sound like I feel sorry for myself or make them feel guilty. They don’t have to come to our wedding, but I don’t want my mother to be the reason – I mean, they’d have to travel and that would be a totally fine excuse.
What do you bees think – sorry for the long post.
Post # 3
Girl, who gives a damn how they feel?! Hello, this is about you! 🙂 You need to let them know how you feel and that this is NOT a day about your mother! I know that sounds kind of ridiculous. Really, they need to understand this isn’t about your mother’s feelings. This is about you and the fact that you are trying to do something for yourself. I’m sorry, it breaks my heart that people can be so cruel to children. I hope your wedding is everything you dream of.
Post # 4
So sorry your in this situation. You just need to explain adult to adult about how your feeling. If you tell your true emotion, no one can mock you for it, its just the way it is. Family can understand that sometimes. 🙂
Post # 5
I’m not even sure exactly what advice to give or where to start…. and I am almost afraid I may over step my advice boundaries, and if I do, I would like to apologize in advance. I don’t know your situation only what you have posted so I will give the little advice I can. I hope it doesnt offend you in any way, that is not my intention AT ALL. If anything I want to help avoid heartache in the future.
My mom and I were no longer on speaking terms shortly after I was engaged. I had no intention of ever inviting her to the wedding. In fact, I was soooo angry with her, I didnt think she deserved an invite. And I def didnt think she deserved to be in any part involved with any “mother of the bride” activities. I’d rather not say exactly why we werent speaking but it sounds similar to what you went thru. Unfortunately, my mom passed away suddenly last month. As with any family, it has been horrific. And if there is a piece of advice I would give anyone, it would be, regardless of the relationship between you and your mom, see if you can find it in your heart to invite her. I dont regret anything involving my moms and I’s relationship, except not telling her I set a wedding date, and planning not to invite her. There is a chance one day you may regret not inviting her.
If your relationship is as bad as it sounds, see if you can designate a close friend or relative to watch over her that day, and just make sure if anything gets out of control in any way, they handle the situation so you dont have to worry about it. I understand all to well what a hard spot your in. I completely sympathize with you. If there is anything I can do, or you ever need someone to vent too, feel free to pm me. I hope I havent offended you. Take care and good luck with your decisions.
Post # 6
Fiance and I have chosen to not invite two abusive members of his family–his father (who he has not spoken to in almost 10 years) and his stepfather. His mom sure knows how to pick em. I figured everyone in his family would understand this decision and most do…except for his mom. She is devastated and trying to rally his siblings, aunts, and uncles to be on her side. It’s so hard to understand why abusive people can still get sympathy from others!
I commend you not only for overcoming your tough (sorry if that is too light a word) childhood, but also for deciding not to sacrifice your happiness for someone who doesn’t deserve it on your wedding day. I hope that your aunts come around support you 100%! Do you otherwise have a good relationship with them? Do you think a talk about this would go well?
Post # 7
I think you are amazing for coming this far, in spite of a messed up childhood. Talk to your aunts and explain that you understand they still have a relationship with your Mom, but you do not and you will not invite her to the wedding. Your wedding is about you and Fiance and you should have to deal with a reminder of past abuse on that day. Explain that when they talk about feeling bad for your mother, it hurts you. Hopefully they will understand. Hugs to you.
Post # 8
@wildstyle — It would be completely unfair for any bride to have her past abuser her wedding, so I 100% support your decision to not invite your mother. I agree w/ @texasmeredith that you should probably talk to your aunts — not in a “poor me” kind of way, but just state matter-of-factly that you and your mother do not have a relationship, and that she gave up any rights to you as a mom a long time ago. You can also tell them that it would not be healthy for you on your wedding day to have your mother to be present. You wish it could be different, but that’s the way that it is, and you hope that they can support you in your decision, especially b/c it’s probably not an easy one to make.
Post # 9
I have to disagree with the bees who have suggested that your mom attend your wedding. If you two had just gotten into an argument and weren’t on speaking terms, then yes, I’d say invite her. But if she was as abusive as you make her out to be, then I don’t think she has any right to be at your wedding. I think that it would be much healthier for you to completely cut her out of your life. It would be nice if your other family members would understand that. Tell them exactly how you feel; that you really want to see them there, but that you are not budging on inviting your mother. This is YOUR big day, and you should be celebrating with the people you love. Be understanding of those who choose not to attend, and enjoy your day!
Post # 10
I think that a phone call with some pretty direct statements would really do the trick for your aunts etc. You have nothing to lose by being completely honest, only have things to gain. Good luck!
Post # 11
@wildstyle – I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I understand your decision completely, I think it’s a shame that your family is not respecting it. Unfortunately, if there is one thing I have seen in my own life, it’s that people forgive abuse because they don’t want to dwell on the unpleasantness. Perhaps your mother has talked to them and “explained it away?” In that case, I think you need to stick up for yourself. You shouldn’t have to deal with where they are in regards to your mother, this should be about where you are.
My other thought is a rather personal one. Someone I am very very close to was abused (not by a parent, by someone else close) as a pre-adolescent. For a long time, I knew that something had gone on. I really thought I knew everything, but it turns out I only knew the tip of the iceberg. That changed everything. I think it’s hard to realize that when you put on a strong face, sometimes that really is what people see. You know that you’re protecting them from more, but they don’t. I know how immensely painful it is to bring up, so perhaps don’t ruin your wedding time with this, but if asked about it again you may want to have something ready to say along the lines of “only my mother and myself know what fully happened, and as such I ask that you respect my decision as I have put a lot of thought into it and it’s important to me.”
Post # 12
I’m so sorry, I do not understand how people gloss over what abusers do and have sympathy for them but I know that it happens all the time. Your family members are terribly terribly wrong and contributing to this terrible world where abusers go on abusing others without suffering consequences. I don’t know how you’ve forgiven your extended family for not doing anything about the abuse when you were a child but I comend you for it.
If it was me I would be very blunt (but not emotional) with my aunts etc. and tell them that I do not want my abuser at my wedding because it will make me afraid uncomfortable and very upset the way having someone who used to assault one would make anyone feel. I would ask them if they’d like to have someone who did X to them at their wedding and I would ask them why they are concerned for the feelings of someone who could hurt a child so badly. But I’m a very blunt person who thinks it’s important to name things like abuse to people’s faces. I know that this is not necessarily possible for others and their situations. Good luck with however you decide to handle it.
Post # 13
Oh wow. Sweetie, I dont know what to say. This is YOUR wedding. This is your fairytale. You are an amazing woman for coming this far. I know how it is to be abused physically, though my abuse may not have been as bad as yours, I still do understand. Just keep your head up. Have you tried talking to Fiance about it?
Post # 14
Thank you everyone so much for your advice and support. I have been so sad about this throughout the planning process.
I guess I wasn’t 100% clearin my op – my mom and I haven’t spoken for years. I chose to cut ties with her not due to my abusive childhood at all – I have forgiven her. It is the fact that she continues to be very absuive to me now as an adult. I was tired of being so hurt by her and I would never have her at my wedding.
She was also very hurtful to my partner – and I can’t even repeat the horrible things she said about him to me.
My aunts claim that “she hasn’t been as toxic to them” but my mother is a master manipulator and has them wrapped around her finger – a few years ago she woud curse them whenever I brought them up because she is very jealous of them. She has become ill recently and now, she needs them so she is being nice. My one aunt even said “oh, you know her illness makes her a little mean.”
Um, no. She was always a lot mean and she is worsethan ever. I know I need to say something b/c I feel really bad about this.
Post # 15
I’m in the same situation, except replace you mom with my dad. My advice: forget about them. If they don’t want to be there, then just forget about them b/c ultimately this day is about you and your fiance! I’m only inviting a few aunts that are supportive of me, and the rest of the family isn’t invited because of the reasoning “it would upset my dad too much.”
Post # 16
I’m so sorry that you are going through this.
Before I offer any advice I want to say HUGS! to you and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Family issues often seem to come to the surface during wedding planning because of situations with yours. Keep you head up high and don’t let other peoples issues bother you (let me know if you figure out how to do that 100%…I’m not sure it is possible ;P!) too much. I think that you can just be direct but classy and say “My mother isn’t coming to the wedding but I am so looking forward to having you there” …if people continue to bother you, maybe you could inlist your SO or a sibling to step in and say “This is really difficult for her as it is…her mother isn’t coming and please let’s focus on her and her day” or something ….it stinks to have to even consider that but sometimes people just DO-NOT-GET-IT!