You all have the memory of an elephant – How?!

posted 3 weeks ago in The Lounge
Post # 31
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

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@bluejellyfish:  yes! I see it go into victim blaming quite often. In situations involving abusive relationships, people should say something supportive or nothing at all. If they get annoyed and don’t think OP will listen, then just skip the post altogether. 

Post # 32
Member
447 posts
Helper bee

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@sbl99:  “isn’t this the guy that did xyz, and you’re still marrying him”? 

I think this is an interesting piece. I remember one bee who had a very abusive partner – he threatened to punch a kitten for scratching him, he threw a glass coffee table that shattered (or perhaps threw something AT the glass coffee table that caused it to shatter), he humiliated this bee in front of her friends or family by cracking open a pepsi and dumping it on her head. She posted constantly about it, and everyone did give the same advice as you say – dump him, get therapy. She didnt, and would delete those, and then come back again with another horrible story. Over and over. And then delete it. And then suddenly post her ring and want everyone to be happy that she’s going to marry this horrible person. And many many people would bring up that quote – isnt that the guy who wanted to punch a kitten and youre still marrying him? I don’t think ANYONE should be happy about a woman marrying that guy, and I don’t think its bringing up some sort of badge of dishonour, it’s just not sweeping the abuse under the rug like he probably does. Some people say that’s “raining on their parade”, but really, if that was your sister or your friend, I really don’t think someone would just be like “wow so he abuses you constantly, puts you in physical danger, but thats a pretty ring. Congrats!!!” 

Post # 33
Member
5176 posts
Bee Keeper

Sigh. In my job I’d be pretty lame if I ignored someone’s history. There is absolutely nothing wrong with checking a poster’s previous threads. Not to “troll” but to give appropriate advice. And if the poster is with someone she is constantly complaining about it’s quite reasonable to ask her why she is still with the person, and how she sees her future with him.

Post # 34
Member
13908 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@sbl99:  If you are talking about someone who has been together with their SO for ten years, perhaps married with 2.5 kids and a home, maybe there are times a couple had a bad day. Then you don’t just  throw the towel in without some effort.  But what so many women fail to appreciate IMO, is the red flag ANY disrespectful, much less abusive behavior is, at any time, but especially before there’s a commitment. The worst of spouses are invariably much better behaved before they locked in their partners. 

If anything, I think women are far too oblivious to these signs. 

Post # 35
Member
3111 posts
Sugar bee

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@skuzzlebutt:  that bee is still here. Keeps changing her username when she gets found out. Supposedly now trying to get pregnant with him.

Post # 36
Member
10359 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@mpritchtobe1984:  

l am a fairly regular poster and can certainly remember some infamous ones, partly for the drama and partly for the often clever repartee from other bees. I remember some, like claroquesi, (no longer posting ) and souzie for great clothes and style stuff, others like gimmepretty and several others because l like their style and advice philosophy. 

I feel a bit as if this thread, and certainly some of the ‘omigod l never notice such things and have more to do than look back at posts’ is subtly suggesting that those who do remember, and/or have good detective skills are a bit pathetic …..

Post # 37
Member
9539 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@skuzzlebutt:  
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@sunburn:  
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@elderberry:  100%

I’m a long time poster and yeah, I actually DO have a really great memory, which is definitely both a blessing and a curse. Here and IRL it’s always been very easy for me to recall people and their stories off the top of my head, without any detective work (and let’s be real, you don’t need an amazing memory to remember certain posters…).

Context is important — when is it not? Remembering what people have told you in the past (the good and the bad) and using what you know about them to better understand who they are and where they’re coming from is part of life, and it’s 100% relevant to how you approach that person and the kind of advice you decide to give them. I guess I just don’t see why it should be any different here. I’m sure some people join just for one-off questions/advice, but I’ve always viewed this place as a community of sorts and have made some truly great friends here.

Post # 38
Member
1324 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

There is a big difference between victim blaming and trying to help a victim realize the role they play in an abusive relationship. 

No one, NO ONE, deserves to be abused in any way.  Doesn’t matter if it’s physical, emotional or verbal abuse, it’s wrong!  And it is the abuser who is committing the wrong.  But the reality is that it is on the victim to stop the cycle of abuse.  It can’t be done by learning how to change the abuser, which is what some posters seem to want to hear.  When a poster is in that mindset they need to be told, sometimes forcefully and bluntly, that the only way to save themselves is to leave the relationship as soon and as safely is possible and seek therapy to determine why they are willing to let someone treat them badly.

Post # 39
Member
5176 posts
Bee Keeper

And don’t get me started on the patently ridiculous charge of victim blaming. There seems to be a vocal crowd around here that believes no one should have to confront painful truths online. That the business of the forum is to be a soft puffy cloud for posters, no matter their situation. 

No. That doesn’t work for some of us, and you can’t shame us with the victim-blaming label. Be serious. Some of us call it as we see it, and as long as we are not rude that shouldn’t be a problem. I remember we had a terrible situation here of a man who had been abused by his partner, tied up and left out for people to find. The poster had this happen not once, but twice. I asked him why he had agreed to see this woman a second time and got excoriated by the WB forum police as a victim blamer. No, I really wanted to get in his head and have him think about why he put himself in her hands a second time. I was concerned that unless he analyzed his behavior this would happen a 3rd time with a possibly even worse outcome…like death. 

I dont think much of those who like to tell others how to behave. In my experience they usually have their own problems clouding their observations.

 

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