(Closed) You are … no longer invited to the wedding…bad etiquette? not always IMHO..

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I almost had this happen!!!  But she ended up walking out of the job like a few days before I got around to mailing her save the date ( I had already mailed the others but was holding off on hers b/c I really did not want to invite her)! but I felt bad b/c I was inviting the rest of the office which is why I had not gotten around to sending hers, worked out well!  

Post # 4
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m not in that situation, but I absolutely think you made the right call. You don’t need drama queens at your wedding.

Post # 5
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I broke the rules when I didn’t send invitations to my former boss and coworkers after I got fired.  Long story short, my boss was discrimating against me because of medical reasons when I got fired, so I didn’t feel too bad not inviting anyone from my old job to our wedding, even after giving them save the dates.  I can’t imagine they would have wanted to come anyways, but still, I didn’t want the drama.  

OP, I think you have very good reasons for not inviting that person.  Sometimes, there are good reasons to make exceptions to etiqutte rules.

Post # 6
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think that every guest that gets a save the date should automatically regret aN invitation no matter the circumstances, in cases oF ended friendships, drama queens and ex coworkers it’s totally ok to not invite aperson. You aren’t obligated to invite ANYONE to your wedding IMO. I had a coworker who was invited blow up at me, put in his two weeks notice, and Promptly be escorted out all in the same day,you bet your ass I deleted him from my list!

Post # 7
8438 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It is still bad etiquette but it is up to the individual whether they want to follow etiquette or not!

Post # 8
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Ok, I am a bit of an Etiquette Snob… and I can tell you that these Save the Date cards are a relatively NEW invention.

And somehow, someone has made the assumption that by receiving such a Card automatically means it is an invite.

Trust me… it isn’t an Invite, until you get an Official Invite.

In the old days (oh back 30 years or so) B&Gs sometimes would send out Announcement Cards for their Engagement… it would say something along the lines of Mr & Mrs Jones are happy to announce the Engagement of their Daughter, Sue to John Smith son of Mr & Mrs John Smith Sr… a September Wedding is planned

At NO TIME were these Engagement Announcements considered to be an Invite to that September Wedding… they were quite simply an Announcement

Save the Date Cards are simply a more “modern” take on that tradition… and IMO have been overblown, and now seem to be causing a lot of grief for Brides… I can see the usefulness of them when one is planning say a Destination Wedding (save your vacation time & bucks) or a Wedding that is going to happen in across the continent or in another country…

But otherwise… just a silly thing that can potentially cause a lot of problems…

Life happens, and a LOT of life can happen between the Engagement and the Wedding (certainly so if one is not marrying for quite awhile)… People Die, Friends and Coworkers change, SOs and Fiances of others come and go…

Truly not worth the hassle… but if one does feel obliged to send out such cards, then one should be of the opinion that they aren’t CAST IN STONE, in my opinion.

There is no invite per se, until you see the official one in your hands.  Period.


Post # 9
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Not that this helps you, but this is why I believe that Save the Dates (which, as This Time Round:  points out are relatively new) are unnecessary, unless you have guests that are traveling from overseas and will require visas or something.  Even then, STD’s should only be sent to guests who you can’t possibly imagine celebrating your wedding day without having them present.

In your case, you announced your wedding and told people to save the date.  Most of the Save-The-Date Cards I’ve recieved have said something along the lines of “Formal Invitation to Follow.”  It’s pretty clear that the magnet/post card/photo strip isn’t a formal invitation. 

It would be pretty forward of me to arrive at a wedding if the only correspondence I’d recieved were a save the date; which is clearly not an invitation.  The other side of the coin is that I typically do pencil in wedding dates when I recieve a STD, and I turn down other plans.  I would take it as a sign that a relationship were over and all ties were severed if I did not receive an invitation after a “Save the Date” was sent to me.  If that is not a concern, then you shouldn’t have anything to worry about.  (And it sounds like you feel that this relationship is already over.  The employee behaved pretty badly.) 

This is probably a case when you worry less about invitation etiquette and more about making sure everyone at the wedding is comfortable… which probably isn’t possible when there are guests you’d rather not have present in attendance.

Skip the invite on this one and don’t lose any sleep over it.

Post # 10
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@This Time Round:  But doesn’t the term “Save the date,” indicate that you should be declining other events in order to be available for the wedding?  If that’s the case, it’s awfully rude to ask, say 250 people, to reserve a day only to actually invite 200 people.  

If you want to announce your engagement without inviting everyone that receives an announcement, then send announcements, not STD’s.


OP- you still did the right thing.  Your employee broke etiquette first by having a public outburst in your office, with one of your coworkers, so you don’t owe her an invite or proper etiquette.

Post # 11
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am totally confused. Does this woman still work for you? If so, isn’t that the much bigger problem? You are worried about your wedding and etiquette, but are you still employing someone you don’t respect, who causes a scene with other employees?

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