You are worth so much more than your relationship status

posted 3 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Am I reading this right?  You and your cousins chatted about your relatives’ relationship statuses for over a half hour.  As soon as they changed the topic to when you were going to visit, you got off the phone.  If you really wanted to talk about the other things in your life, why didn’t you? 

You’re enough with or without a marriage or relationship.

You’ve also hypothesized about your future engagement (very public), and even here, you haven’t mentioned anything else you’re proud of. It sounds like you may have internalized some of what you’re accusing your cousins of. 

Why not brag/ celebrate now? We’re listening, even if you feel your family isn’t.

Post # 3
Member
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

Congrats on your new job, OP! And congratulations on your sobriety as well. That’s a huge deal! I’m so glad to hear that you’re thriving, and I’m sorry your cousins weren’t interested in discussing your accomplishments. You’re absolutely right that you’re so much more than your relationship status, and I think it’s kinda rude for your cousins to have just randomly asked if you’re engaged. A person’s relationship status is never anyone else’s business! 

Post # 4
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

Unfortunately the world has a long way to go.  Even today, having a spouse seems to be prized more than just about anything else in life.  Yes, even in the US, prized more than career success, which the US prizes possibly more than any other country.  If you are single, you are part of an inferior class of people according to the majority viewpoint.

Post # 5
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

Thank you, I really needed to hear this because I’ve been in a relationship for 6 going on 7 years and we have a child together and still no ring. All his friends are married, like ALL and I feel less than everyone else because of it. I know a few relaionships that the woman got pregnant and during the pregnancy or a month later she was engaged and our child is turing 4 and still nothing…..I think about society but I am trying my best to be okay with where we are. I know he loves me and I love him and we know this is forever. Once again I thank you. 

Post # 6
Member
9237 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

For women mostly this is true! Men can somehow be part of conversations without anyone (male or female) harping on about their martial status or when the are going to have kids. 

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@stateofbeeing:  

Post # 7
Member
546 posts
Busy bee

You can NEVER please/impress everyone and some people just can’t comprehend that other people may value different things than them or just choose to focus on different things than them. (Which is baffling considering how many humans there are and how many choices we have)

If you focus on too much on your career, some people will call you cold. If you decide to focus too much on family or your non-capitalism interests, some people will call you weak and dependent. AND some people will lay out one of these judgements while actually secretly envying you. 

You don’t need to impress everyone and you don’t need to acknowledge other people’s judgement. That’s their thing, not yours. One of my favourite random quotes is “What other people think of you is none of your business.”

Post # 8
Member
806 posts
Busy bee

So I married young, divorced. Had a LTR, never married. Then was single for 7 years before I married again. 

Let me tell you – its all bullshit. When I was single people looked at me funny. Nearly the minute I got married — all of that judgement went away. But like, we had a brand new marriage. There is no inherent stability in that.

Other people will have their opinions. Theyre dumb. Stop caring about what other people thing and do you!

Post # 9
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@Earl grey tea: 

Congratulations on your year of sobriety (INCREDIBLE accomplishment!), new job and the increase in salary (AMAZING accomplishment during a pandemic), new car, and your working on your physical fitness! Those are all amazing things! It sounds like your life is going really well and that you’re really happy and I’m so glad to hear that.

I’m sorry your cousins weren’t as interested in hearing about this. Unfortunately I feel like the world has so much more to go with regard to respecting women. People in general spend a lot of time celebrating non-relationship accomplishments of men but then mainly focus on relationships and family life of women. And it never ends. I can’t tell you how many times friends and family have wanted to talk about my husband’s career accomplishments and then when they talk to me they ask me when we’re planning on having kids. I do think that younger people in the US feel similarly, but we have friends and family who live internationally in countries that are more traditional and so that focus on women and family is still there. And there’s nothing wrong if that is someone’s primary interest but there’s so much more that a person may be interested in and makes a person valuable. I’m really glad that you’ve realized this and that you’re putting this message out there because I think it’s really important. 

Maybe next time you might be able to control the conversation topics a little bit more by redirecting them to the things you do want to talk about. I have experienced varying levels of success with this. Sometimes it’s more successful than other times but it’s always worth trying!

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@coffeecakez:  Did you read the post? OP mentioned several things she was proud of in the post. During the conversation, she tried to talk to her relatives about this, but they changed the topic to engagement and relationship-related topics. I can see why OP may have felt kind of blown off by the conversation.

Post # 10
Member
10359 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@j_jaye:  

lndeed. Which is why l have always found using the title Ms to be important . It is the exact equivalent of Mr, ie it indicates an adult woman or man without reference to their marital/ single status. I’m sorry it has become ‘unfashionable ‘ and on occasion totally misunderstood. I have seen on these very boards posters insisting Ms.meant divorced…. sigh. 

Post # 11
Member
796 posts
Busy bee

It took me a REALLY long time to realize that what people choose to see about me says more about them than it does about me. If someone latches on to your relationship status or how many degrees you have or how much money you make or whether you have kids or frankly any one “qualifying” detail about your life at the expense of seeing who YOU are and how YOU feel about that, they are not worth your energy. 

Post # 12
Member
546 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@xiphosura:  “It took me a REALLY long time to realize that what people choose to see about me says more about them than it does about me.”

^^ love this. 

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