(Closed) "You can come if you want…"

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

WOW! That was a lot. First let me say I am sorry you are in this weird position and you are always entitled to your feelings – no one can say whether you can/cant or should/shouldn’t be emotional about something.

Now the only missing piece for me is whether you ever discussed your feelings about her relationship with this man and if you did, were they negative thoughts/feelings? I say that because her mother has already shunned her which I’m sure is a crushing blow. And IF you have expressed negative feelings towards him or their relationship, maybe she doesn’t want to hear it so its best she invites someone who is supportive (i.e. best friend).

I agree with your fiancé that a conversation needs to be had. I am a firm believer in “a closed mouth don’t get fed” and if you are as close to your cousin as you say you are, why not chat her up about it? Why not tell her how hurt your feelings are and you are confused as to why you have been shut out. I say this because right now you are hurt, living in “assumption-land” and are thinking of dismissing her from your wedding without having communicated ANY of your thoughts and feelings to her.

Everything that you typed here should be said to her. If you cant say it, write it. You don’t have to reiterate all his bad ways; trust and believe she knows that and then some. She is still choosing to marry this “man” so if you want to support her, let her know. And, if after this she still doesn’t come around, you will have done all you could do and the ball is in her court.

Best of luck with the outcome of all this and whatever happens, don’t let the negativity or your hurt feelings overshadow the joy of your own upcoming nuptials. 


Post # 4
46590 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

She’s a flake.  She clearly has no concept of or concern about etiquette.

Why would you expect any different from her?

Post # 5
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I agree with your Fiance.

Post # 6
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Your cousin is flaky. You can be happy (ish) for her at something of a distance — I would expect future drama from this relationship later. I wouldn’t make her a bridesmaid in your wedding unless you’re going to pay for and coordinate everything, because otherwise it won’t get done and it’ll be a huge source of stress for you. If it’s important to you to have her involved, she can do a reading.

Post # 7
8817 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

your cousin sounds crazy.  looks to me like you should let nature take it’s course and be there as a shoulder to cry on when everything falls through.

Post # 8
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Maybe she’s preggers, or was afraid that people won’t want to go to the wedding OR that he’s pushing this.  If I take my stranger-mind-reading hat off, I’d also suggest that you talk to her. It’s better to know one way or the other, even if it’s just so you can move on. 

Post # 10
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

i don’t think anything here is that weird


1) she’s pretty much eloping but

2) you’re welcome to come if you want and

3) since it’s so small there won’t be any hard feelings if you don’t go

Post # 11
7387 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Why would you want to go anyway, this sounds like a hot ass mess!

Post # 13
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Maybe she got tired of you flat out telling her that she needed etiquette lessons. 

It sounds like they’re doing something small and casual. And honestly, with the way you seem to feel about this relationship, I wouldn’t be offended by the way she’s handled the situation.

Post # 15
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

LMAO @ blkynbridetobe – I must say I completely agree.


Hotsoup – I dont think speaking to your cousin would be about changing her mind but speaking up for yourself and expressing how you interpreted her actions/words and then how it made you feel. I make the distinction because I dont believe anyone is the cause for someone else’s hurt feelings – its the way we interpret and internalize them. But only you know whats best so if you feel keeping your lips zipped is your best course of action, do you!Laughing

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