(Closed) "You deserved to be yelled at." Relationship fears

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Red flags. Nobody deserves to be yelled at unless they’re putting someone else in danger. 

Post # 3
7552 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Yeah, intentionally wanting to be hurtful to your partner during an argument is a red flag. Over time, that can be toxic to a relationship. he needs to learn how to fight fairly, or maybe both of you do.  I can’t really guess if this is just bad communication skills or the starting traits of abuse, but I’d invest some serious time into counseling, both as a couple and independently. 

Post # 5
4055 posts
Honey bee

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wallfloweratthedisco:  red flags. If you want to attempt to work it out, I’d suggest counseling. But if he continued the behavior I would personally walk away. I get that arguments get heated sometimes, but going below the belt is not ok. 

Post # 7
407 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
wallfloweratthedisco:  I think we all say things we regret during a fight at one point or another, but this seems to be a habit with him. It’s really important that you guys be able to have disagreements without it turning into a verbal brawl.

At the least, I would recommend counselling to work out communication issues. I mean, you agreed to marry this guy, so there must be something there, but you do not want to spend the rest of your life as a verbal punching bag.

Post # 8
287 posts
Helper bee

Sounds to me like he is a dirty fighter, a very vindictive one at that. He seems to manipulate the situation so that your issues are never resolved.

He needs to learn to fight fair. One glaring issue is no one, regardless of how heated thr argument gets, deserves to be yelled at. That’s a no no. He needs to recognise that actually, yelling is never okay and should apologise to you for it, not justify it.

As one of my fellow bees has put it before, he sounds like a douche canoe. If you are here asking the question, it sounds like you know it too and just wanted it confirmed.

Post # 9
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Yelling is never a form of healthy communication, but people are human and sometimes our emotions get the better of us. Hell, just last night DH and I had a not-so-great fight that involved raised voices; it sucks, and every time that has happened we both always feel terribly about it, apologize once things have calmed down, and try our best to do better the next time there is a conflict. But once things have calmed down, there is no reason why he should be saying to you, ‘you deserved to be yelled at’. That’s cold.

Counseling is a valid option, but only if he wants to improve the way in which he communicates. If he doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong, then nothing will change.

Post # 11
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

Yes you deserve to be yelled at. You brought this on yourself, it’s because of you that he has to yell. He doesn’t mean to say such nasty things when you fight, you just know how to push his buttons.

If you stay with him long enough you’ll start believing all of the above and he’ll be only too happy to let you.

If you want to salvage this relationship Bee, you have to talk to him very seriously and firmly. He either takes full responsibility for his own actions and takes serious steps to overcome them- including professional help- or this is absolutely a dealbreaker. If he fights dirty now, this is one of those things that IS likely to change with marriage. It’s likely to worsen.

Post # 13
4845 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Sorry , yelling is a deal breaker for me. Justifying shit behaviour is a “run for it” for me. If someone can’t look at themselves and acknowledge when they do something wrong, they cannot be in a relationship unless the other person is willing to take all the shit. Nope nope nope on that. 

Post # 15
281 posts
Helper bee

I will not be with anyone who ever purposefully wants to hurt me or make me feel bad. I don’t care how angry we are, my boyfriend and I would never, ever say something purposefully to hurt one another. To me, that speaks to a deep-seated mean streak and a level of contempt that I absolutely will not tolerate. I think that kind of thing will only get worse over years of marriage too. If he’s comfortable saying those things to you now, just think what he’ll feel comfortable saying to you after you’ve been married for 20 years.

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