(Closed) "You don't know love until you have a baby"

posted 4 years ago in No Kids
Post # 46
Member
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I have a good girlfriend who was a young mom. She only has one son but she’s been deseperate to have another for as long as I’ve known her.

In her mind “every” woman has to be a mother. She has told me “a woman isn’t woman until she’s mom”. Really. Okay. I never told her how I found her comment hurtful, because I don’t think in her mind she thinks it is. It’s simply how she sees the world and nothing I say will change her mind. So I totally get the OPs frustration. 

Especially, when culturally its seem like its your duty. I’ve been with my FH for well over a decade, so we have been on coochie watch. Gotta love when his uncles visit the first thing out of their mouths “Are you pregnant yet?” It’s like being childfree doesn’t occur to any of them. They so how see me as less of woman and probably him as less of man, because surely after all these years I should have been knocked up already. Yeah. It’s called BIRTH. CONTROL. Use some.

 

Post # 47
Member
1516 posts
Bumble bee

My father has admitted that he didn’t want children until they had me. He didn’t want to share my mom with me.

He says that my birth changed everything for him and that’s when he realized what overwhelming unconditional love was.

Just my two cents and commentary from personal experience.

Post # 48
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

bywater:  But your story is relaying the sort of comments about unconditional love that have hurt the OP. I’m not saying that’s not what your dad experienced in his life but that kind of love can be experienced with or without having kids. 

Post # 49
Member
2005 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Whoever said this to you clearly has never had pizza.

Post # 50
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee

I haven’t had to deal with this, so I can’t offer any insight really. Sorry you have to deal with that though. I can’t imagine how annoying it is. I’m a mom – and I definitely love my son more than anything ever, but it’s bizarre when people are militant like that. You don’t know what parental love toward a child is – sure. But you don’t know love? Chill momzilla. 

Post # 51
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

[content moderated for threadjacking/baiting]

Post # 53
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

forgotusername:  So you’re not actually CFBC yourself?

If I understand correctly, you are disappointed with and judging a board and community that you don’t identify with? That doesn’t make sense to me. 

As far as I understand the No Kids board was created for a whole range of reasons not as a PR stunt for being CFBC.

If you do happen to be CFBC then I remain just as confused by your comments 🤔

Post # 54
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

forgotusername:  Well, the fact that people who are not CF (I am also interpreting your comments to mean that you are not CF–my reading is the same as Tisa85: (whose comments in this thread have been wonderful, IMO)) feel like they have a right to consistently come in here and police the CF women and basically tell the CF women that their experiences are wrong or meaningless or that they’re too sensitive probably contributes to some of the defensiveness on these threads. 

OP, I agree that of all the comments directed toward CF women, these “you never know love” comments are the most hurtful.  Love is presented as so central to the human experience and we are so culturally programmed to desire it that when people tell us we cannot know real love because of a choice we’ve made we’re bound to feel a bit shaken, no matter how resolute in our choice we may be in the end.

missmunch:  

Post # 55
Member
539 posts
Busy bee

I just wanted to say that I for one love this thread and this board more generally. It’s already helping me navigate the CFBC world and I’m just new to the (almost certain) decision that I will (almost certainly) be CFBC. (I classify myself as lurking a little near the fence, but thoroughly on the side CFBC.)

So thank you, both OP and respondents, for your insightful thoughts on this stuff. 

Post # 56
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

missmunch:  I’m in tears because what you said is so perfect, and it so eloquently captured the struggle so many CFBC women deal with because as you said, it is complicated and it’s an ongoing process. 

If I could, I would “like” your post a million times. Thank you for your posting your thoughtful responses.

Post # 57
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

 

forgotusername:  

Let’s see…

Looking at the current front page there is:

A thread in career where someone is posting problems with a student

A thread with a bee worried as priest has told the bee they won’t perform her marriage ceremony

A bee posting about an “awkward photographer situation”

Someone overwhelmed about a new business

A bee fighting with her husband about where there dog sleeps

Someone looking for support about her and her husband’s TTC issues

 But yeah, it’s ONLY the CFBC bees who should be targeted for looking for support. I have looked through this board and “whining” as you call it about things people have said is not the only topic that has been posted about here. Even if CFBC do want to complain or whine, what does it matter to you? No one is forcing you to open and read these threads, or if you are CFBC, start your own thread about what you want to talk about.

 

Post # 58
Member
9057 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

How ironic someone whining about othes whining!

Post # 59
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I think you can know love… but there are different kinds of love.  In other languages there are words for types of love (lustful-love, selfish-love, mothering-love, onesided-love, etc) but in English there’s just one word.  So you “love” your pet and you “love” your husband and you “love” your kids and it’s all the same word but in reality it’s not the same kind of love.  You don’t love a brother the same way you love a husband. 

I love my little brother, he sometimes drives me nuts and we don’t have a lot in common but he’s a good guy and he’s important to me.  I’m building a life with my Fiance tho, we are planning trips we will go on in 20 years, talk about watching our child (and eventual children) grow and have their own children… I don’t do that with my brother.  I don’t expect anything to happen to my brother but I’m not planning my life around his life.

I also love my pet turtle… I’ve had him for over 12 years.  He’s a great guy!  He’s swimmy and he eats all but three fish and those always end up being his tank buddies.  But I wouldn’t feel the same way about him dying as my brother or my fiance dying.  He’s my pet, I love him, but he’s still just a pet.

I also have a son, he’s almost 4mos old.  I love him differently than I’ve ever loved anyone before.  And no, you don’t love a dog like you love a child.

I think it’s rude for people to say things like “you can’t know love” etc.  Of course, I also think it’s rude to equate loving a pet to loving a child.

 

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