(Closed) "You don't know what exhausted is"

posted 4 years ago in No Kids
Post # 181
Member
1410 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Tiredness is a bit of a subjective thing. The only thing I’d take from that post is that the poster never really had any difficult times before becoming a mum. I don’t think most people analyse these kind of memes very much- they just repost if they personally relate to what it says. This one is clearly wrong but as someone without kids who’s TTC late in life I wouldn’t be offended by it.  It’s about as offensive as someone with a bad cold claiming noone has ever had such bad flu.

Now…..while we are on internet craziness…….

My bigger problem is with those ‘Dear mom’ letters. The ones that say ‘I see you in the park suffering and I cry for you inside my heart because you’re so old/young/have boys/have girls/have twins/are a SAHM/leave your kids in childcare while you work/are a single mom’ bla bla bla. So patronising! I honestly thought having no kids that I would escape being written such a patronising letter but it turns out that even women without kids are ‘mothers’ who must not be left out of this embarrassing love-in where you tell everyone you love and approve of all their choices that of course you’d never make yourself…..so there is now – wait for it- ‘Dear childless mom’!! I nearly choked on my Diet Coke! haha.

Post # 182
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

I really like children and would like to have mine someday, but it is so very irritating when something like that happens. For example, a coworker of mine said today “oh I can’t wait to go home and see my little daughter, but what am I telling you? You will understand when you have your child.” or “I am super tired, I stayed up all night with the little one, but those are the problems of a mother, you can’t understand” 

And it is weird because many of those people didn’t become parents until their 30s. I mean didn’t they get irritated when someone else told them things like that? 

And yes, although I am not a parent yet, I do understand what tiredness means.

Post # 183
Member
1410 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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annaven :  It’s not really weird that they became parents in their 30s. My parents’ generation (now 65-70 years old) became parents in their early 20s and were much more chilled about parenthood, they just did it and got on with it. These days for 30-somethings, parenthood is something you ‘aspire to’, it’s a ‘life goal’, it’s intricately planned, you read books about how to do it, and it comes after a very unusually long (in historical terms) period of adult freedom, so it really is life-changing and all-consuming, like suddenly converting to a new religion or something. So people get very self-obsessed about it and quickly lose their memory of times before kids, or feel they’ve had a Damascene conversion to the light. Both of those examples you gave were of incredibly self-indulgent parents….I’d just answer with a quick ‘well done’! 😉 

Post # 184
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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peegee :  I agree that those who hate being called “lazy, irresponsible child haters” should not stoop to calling those with kids “breeders of crotch trophies”, but also believe in the freedom of speech – and the right to be offended.  The No Kids board was initially requested as a place for those without kids to give vent to feelings online that they simply can’t in RL.  I love kids, but know I have such bad “training” from my abusive childhood I fear I’d be a horrible mother.  And so I am CFBC.   This has gotten me called lazy, irresponsible (frankly, I think I’m pretty responsible to not get pregnant in a 20 year r/s), told that I have no right to claim exhaustion, illness or simple tiredness (the topic of this thread), I am unloving, uncaring, must hate children and want to hurt them, that I need to be the one caring for H’s older parents since I don’t have kids, etc.  Yes, all in matter-of-fact statements, comments and even memes from mommy-friends and family.  

Sometimes people want to vent and spew everything they hate being spewed at them in a place they feel it’s okay to do so.  Everyone is so touchy on the internet, a place we all have the freedom to simply turn it off, walk away, or find a thread where you feel more in tune with the topic.  

And we can all recognize that everyone has a right to say what they want – and we have a right to not like it, but that does not mean we need to call a moderator in to make us “play nice”.  We don’t have to play nice.  It’s okay to get things off your chest here you can’t at home.  If it’s not, what the heck is this place for, anyway?  We’d only need boards about matching chair covers with napkins if that’s the gamut of allowable topics.  

Post # 185
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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Itsnotme :  The answer is 1: people need to stop being so damn high and mighty entitled (no matter what camp you fall in for any subject) and 2: people also need to stop being so damn sensitive and making everything a big deal. If you agree with it, laugh. If you don’t, roll your eyes. There’s a big ole’ world out there. Move on.

Post # 186
Member
2003 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

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Isilme :  I fully agree. When I have my firends with babies and toddlers over on the weekend it will only be DH and I who are the childfree once and EVERY SINGLE TIME we see them we get the tiredness, “don’t you wabt babies soon?”, “don’t your parents want grandchildren?” comments. They don’t stop even when I say we are undecided, then they try the “you’ll never know a bond so strong” comments and thrusting the babies at us for us to get used to it etc. I can’t say what I really think i.e “I don’t want the life you have right now”, “your kid is cute but I’d like to hold a conversation with you that isn’t interrupted every five seconds.” I want these people in my life and I am happy they are happy but there is no way I can say what I’m thinking to them so this forum is a place where I can express these thoughts.  

It took bees a long time to get the No Kids board added so bees should look elsewhere if it offends them so much. If I think a No Kids thread is getting a bit nasty (in my opinion) I look at other topics that I can actually converse with bees on.

Post # 187
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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EllyAnne :  My friends who know the stories of the hell I was raised in still say, “oh, you’d be a good mother!”  And yes, I get babies handed to me as if I’ve never cared for anyone before, and my “objection” to kids is I am afraid of poop or puke.

 I took care of my step sister’s 3 kids 24-7 when I was 17 – she was in a bad marriage and so her kids were at my step mother’s house all the time.  As the teenaged girl, they fell to me to care for, from the infant, the toddler, and the 8-year-old.  I’d feed the baby, get him down, rock the toddler while she pummeled me with her tiny fists until SHE went down for her nap, and then get to do my homework while the 8-year-old did hers, help with dinner, get then fed, bathed, and to bed – repeat.  I’ve slept on the couch with the infant cuz no one else would and we had no crib to keep him, and woken up to being spit-up on.    

I also was the caretaker for my substance abusing mother.  She liked to get tranq-ed, and wander around the house talking to my dead grandmother, fall down stairs, and try to drive.  She killed stop signs, and I found her face-planted in the yard a few times when she was actually out of bed waiting for me to walk home from school.  Dad  liked to use a belt till I had to cover marks with long sleeve and pants in the summer.  My main job from about age 5 was to somehow “control” mom, keep her from falling, and I was even taught to drive at 11, when my legs were long enough to reach the pedals, so I could drive for mom if needed.  Dad seemed to think having me run errands and be a gopher was the solution instead of getting mom cleaned up.  She actually mixed sleeping pills and laxatives once.  We needed a caret cleaner.

I have spent about 20 of my 39 years in caretaker roles – but it’s assumed I am lazy and have never changed a diaper.  

Part of me would LOVE to be a mother.  I am also 39.  H and I JUST got married after a long time of me waiting, then saving.  In about 5 years, I can see he might want to be a father and we might be financially able – but my body won’t be able to as easily at that time – I’ll be in my mid-40s.  We might adopt in the future, but I can face the facts – mental illness runs in my family.  I have odd instincts as far as the age things are appropriate – I was cooking bacon and left alone at home at age 7 – seemed normal until I saw my friends’ 7-year-old kids.  So I worry my internal wiring would somehow be bad – I’d either repeat mistakes, or make horrible new ones overcompensating for how I was raised.  I don’t want to pass on mental illness or subject a child to any I may exhibit.  But I am told I am irresponsible and I have no right to be tired, and it’s nice to see I am not alone in these feelings.

Post # 188
Member
2003 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

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Isilme :  I’m sorry for all you went through. I have an alcoholic mother who was in and out of psych hospitals until I was about 16. Many many embarrassing times when she turned up at my school drunk/ on heavy meds. I was passed around family members and friends while dad worked to keep a roof over our heads. My sister and brother (both older) are CFBC and I wonder if our childhood has put us off at all. I’m 31 and DH is 30 so I still have time but I figure the desire to be a mum would have kicked in by now! I’ve had chronic insomnia since I was 19 so actually choosing to get less sleep seems undesirable to say the least.

Post # 189
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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EllyAnne :  I wonder if chronic insomnia and insecure childhood homes go hand in hand.  I have found that Kava Kava supplements seem to help, and are not supposed to be habit forming ( a big fear of mine).  I was happy – Being in bed since 10PM last night, I managed to get 6 hour 1 minute sleep last night before getting up at 7:20AM.  That’s a good night for the workweek 🙂

Post # 190
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

It does drive me nuts when I see my mommy friends post things like “Breastfeeding is the way to go” or “I’m so tired but today my baby pooped by himself today”. By the way the second one is real and the woman posted a picture of the toilet where her son POOPED IN! I deleted her so fast. I don’t want to see your baby’s poop. It’s gross!

 

Post # 191
Member
3107 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

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sparkles8rosegold :  I’m not sure the issue with pro breastfeeding posts? I agree with you on the poop though, I deleted someone once for posting a shot of poop inside the potty. Just disgusting. 

Post # 192
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

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peegee :  Oh I’m not against it, I just know of women who physically can’t so from what I’ve hear of from those, they feel like they’re being shamed. I’ve just mentioned that’s what I see on my feed a lot lol

Post # 193
Member
2003 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

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Isilme :  Will give Kava Kava a go thanks. I went down the prescription sleeping pill rabbit hole. Worst year of my life!

Post # 194
Member
5867 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Let it be a lesson to all of us – being condescending is always annoying.

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