Post # 1
This is long… sorry
I am upset and I don’t even know where to start.
My SO has to move. Today we sorting through his things and got to a forth bag of costumes, after suggesting he threw out some of them (for costume parties and hobbies) it transpired that we are often invited to parties that we don’t go to because he doesn’t think I will enjoy them, he declines for us both without even asking me. I don’t “hate” costume parties, but it’s true I don’t love them either. Or at least, not like he does: he gets the sewing machine out and paint and everything and makes some amazing and elaborate costumes! When he asked me about one a little while ago I said I wasn’t comfortable meeting friends of his I’d never met before in costume. Meeting new people that are important to him seemed daunting enough without the added extra of not feeling comfortable. I suggested we invite some of these friends over another time. Nothing came of it.
Last week it was his birthday and the only people he invited were people I already know (who are lovely!) even though I know there are plenty of his friends I’d never met; I mentioned the names of a few others I knew of and the “you don’t like my friends” topic came up. The reason this has come about (it’s not the first time) is because I don’t feel comfortable around one person in one of his social circles. The reason: she is his ex and usually spends the entire time monopolising the conversation and talking about when they were together. I don’t hate her, she is pleasant enough, but I admit I’d rather not see her. I feel awkward around her. As such he now rarely if ever sees anyone in that social circle, and I feel awful about it. I don’t understand why he cant see the others but apparently he just can’t not invite her too. He did invite them after I suggested it but they blew him off, great friends eh? In fact SOs best friend came up to me and asked if this particular group were coming, and much to my surprise he said he was glad they weren’t and that he didn’t understand what my SO saw in them. But I guess that’s another story.
I think SO misunderstood something I said a while ago about a wider group of friends. It was something along the lines of “(I’m nervous because) I don’t know what I’ll have in common with them” so now he feels as though he can’t and shouldn’t introduce me to people. He thinks it will upset me when in fact it’s the opposite. He said that he can’t win and whether he introduces me or not it’s a lose lose situation, my heart broke when he said that; I don’t want to make him feel like that.
I do feel as though he is embarrassed of me but I know he is just trying to protect my feelings. I cried and cried today; he cried too. I don’t know what to do. I think we both feel at a bit of a loss; like we can’t, in these situations, make the other happy.
He obviously saw how cut up I was (other than the crying) because he told me that he loves me, and that that hadn’t changed.
Thank you if you read it all.
Post # 3
Hm. I haven’t had this type of experience before, so I’m not sure how helpful I can be…but it does sound like you guys are very different socially. That’s ok! Fiance is super outgoing, the life of the party. I’m more of the introverted (but polite) “Mother Hen.” I make sure everyone has a drink, knows where the food is, etc. If I don’t hit it off with someone, I generally don’t have much to do with them, whereas Fiance will talk and talk with people and later admit “Eh, they were boring.” We’re just super different socially. I’m fairly quiet in new situations; Fiance has had to learn that that doesn’t mean I don’t LIKE people, it’s just how I am. It sounds like (maybe?) you are the same.
I sort of understand the costume thing, but I do find it a bit silly, I’ll admit. No, I don’t think all costumes create the best impression, but I have met three new friends at Halloween parties and they didn’t assume I always dressed up like Marilyn Monroe or a Pink Lady. It’s sort of understood that you don’t go around like that, so again I’m admitting I don’t quite get your hangup with that one.
I’m sorry you both feel so at odds about this and about certain friend groups. Friends can be a difficult topic, especially when it’s a whole group that has some not-as-great people as a part of them. The older I get though, the pickier I am with my friends, and so is Fiance. He’s nicer to everyone but our real friends are more limited.
Post # 4
Like Ameilia said I too am different socially than my SO. He is more out going and I am more quiet and observant unless I know the people well and then I don’t shut up.
It just sounds like you two got lost in communication and things got misunderstood. You both didnt catch onto the miscommunication until it was too late and feelings were hurt and parties were missed. It is good that it is out in the open and now it will be easier to work through.
Maybe you guys could try one more time with a get together with both some of your friends and some of his so there is common ground and it might makes things easier because you will have people there that you are comfortable with.
I admit that I don’t care for a few of my SOs friends, but it works for us because we tend to hang out separately with our own group of friends most of the time. I think you just need to find a solution that works best and makes you both happy. If it means alone time with your own friends then maybe that is okay too.
hope this was helpful in some way hehe
Post # 5
Thanks for you responces. Thank you for a kind ear.
I don’t know why I have such a thing with costumes, I think it might because SO and a lot of SOs friends take it soooo seriously whereas I just, well, don’t. Bizarrely I have no problem with pajama costume parties, but I have seriously cute pjs! Maybe it’s because everyone is wearing the same thing.
We do have different friends, and I know I have a lot of hobbies that he has absolutely no interest in either, so that’s fine. I think we misunderstood each other such a long time ago that it’s difficult for both of us; I’m a lot more comfortable in our relationship now, as a couple, because we’ve been together longer. Whereas at the beginning of our relationship, sure I was insecure about it.
I’m definitly difficult with new people but because I’m generally quite chatty I think SO worries I’m therefore not enjoying myself.
Hopefully writing this down and hearing your thoughts will allow me to enter calming into communication with SO.