- 7 years ago
I see posts like the one below where she thinks she’s evil for thinking about telling him that “now he knows how it feels”…or there’s other ones where people say they’re mean or they feel bad and I keep thinking I’ll read a post that’s actually bad…but they aren’t really.
I guess I’ve sort of made the mistake of thinking that since he’s the man I’m going to marry that I should be able to tell him anything and everything…so I did…I told him on many occassions that I was sick of waiting, that it hurt my self esteem to keep me waiting, that it made me feel vulnerable to not have control of how/when my life changes and that I felt that if he cared about me he’d want me to have some say in how things go– that he’d discuss things with me. At one point during an emotional breakdown I even told him that I felt like he had waited too long and that it was ruined. Then broke down again later and told him that I felt that I had ruined it by saying it was ruined, etc. I’ve been through a gauntlet of emotions over the whole thing and I’ve shared every last one of them with him.
In hindsight it makes me feel bad because I think it often made him feel bad when that wasn’t my intent. I guess the one good thing is that I know he’s a keeper if he put up with all of that.
I didn’t want to be a nag, or be the woman that complained and complained and caused fight after fight, but I genuinely felt rejected and unloved. My genuine feeling was that he knew it was what I wanted and he was making a conscious decision not to give it to me. I couldn’t see his point of view, because he doesn’t really gain anything out of NOT giving it to me. I also took unfair childhood emotions out on him, though– I was never asked to homecoming and never went to the prom…I didn’t go to a single dance in school, I never had a boyfriend in school, but all of my friends did…and all of my friends were proposed to and I wasn’t and i guess I just felt sorry for myself, like “why don’t i deserve what every other girl has? I never had the things that other girls had growing up, and now you have the opportunity to give me what every girl dreams of and make me happy and you don’t want that for me.”…that’s how I was feeling.
It’s terrible to take the magic out of something so special and I really wish I hadn’t. But what’s done is done and I guess if there’s a silver lining it’s that I’ve learned my lesson, I know I was being terrible and I’ll do everything I can to make up for that.
I just need to realize that it isn’t always about me. But he needed to realize that too. We were watching Dr. Phil the other day and he (Dr. Phil) was talking about how his wife, Robbin had wanted another child years ago, and he said that he realized on an importance scale of 1-10 he realized it was a 12 for Robbin, and that on a scale of 1-10 how important it was for him NOT to have another child was at about a 3, and he realized that his 3 shouldn’t trump her 12. ….Right after he said this my boyfriend looked at me and said “I never thought of it that way.” I think he finally realized how important it was to me, and how important it was to him to make me happy.
I’m not engaged yet, but recent events let me know that it’s coming…definitely coming…so I’m just going to sit back and let the storm simmer to a nice, mellow, holiday-snuggle-by-the-fire calm and remember why it is that I want to be with him forever in the first place.
I went off on a tangent, but I guess my point was, none of what ya’ll think is “terrible” is really that bad…and nothing that really is bad can’t be salvaged with a strong enough relationship.
Whenever you feel like beating yourself up for something you’ve said or done, read my post and know that you weren’t the worst of them!