(Closed) “You guys must really love renting”

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

Wow. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. 

Owning isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be. Dh and I would be way ahead right nowwit we’d continued to just rent!

Post # 4
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

sounds like to make him feel better about himself he has to cut down someone else

my advise is personal happiness and independence is whats important so keep working towards that for yourself, hes the type that will then find something else to pick on because he will never be happy about others being happier/doing better than he does

Post # 5
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Oh no I am sorry to hear your story… I don’t have any advice but I just really think you are doing great dealing with it…

By the way, some people acually do love renting, really, honestly. Your father just don’t know things!!!

Post # 8
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@cbee:   I know he wants us to buy a place where he can live for free.  Is that what the deal is with him?! That’s some manipulation like you say… Stay strong!

Post # 9
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wow, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have an irrational father myself (his last “thing” was blaming me for ruining his current marriage, when I wasn’t even in contact with them for the first couple of years anyway) and the only thing that helped was to distance myself. 

Like you, I tried standing up for myself, talking, behaving “better” – they’ll just find something new to manipulate us with. It’s super hard because he used to be the best Dad ever, but he changed so much and isn’t willing to even try to understand what I’m saying. Sounds familiar, no?

My therapist just told me to move on, and that there’s nothing shameful about cutting someone out of your life for a good reason, whether they’re family or not. Hope it gets better for you!

Post # 10
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

@cbee:  Some people feel the need to put down others who are working towards more positive things in life when they themselves are unhappy in order to feel better about themselves. 

As another poster once told me, “Misery loves company.” If you give into his negativity and allow that to affect your happiness, then he gets what he wants, which is power and control over you. 

It’s not about you not owning a house. He knows you two are students and it would be irrational for you two to buy a home right now. So what’s his real problem? He’s just pissed off that you’re happy, he’s not, and that he can’t take that away from you. It takes away his sense of control when you don’t allow him to have any effect on you whatsoever and never give him any kind of reaction to his attempts at manipulation. 

I’ll share a small story of mine. I have a controlling, manipulative father. In my early teens I rebelled big time. I was tired of being told when to eat, shower, and sleep. I simply stopped listening. He quickly kicked me out of his home and cut off all contact with me. My mother couldn’t handle me either so she sent me to live with my grandparents. Three years later, his mother was in a car accident (but thankfully was okay). He needed my grandfather to take him to the hospital, and I went with him. There, my father bragged and bragged and BRAGGED about how great my little brother is (he lives with my father) and how his soon to be step-daughter is the “most impressive, hard-working, smartest young girl he’s ever met.” I politely listened and nodded my head. I could tell he was getting slightly frustrated that my feelings weren’t hurt, so he tried a few more things:

While talking to my grandfather he casually says “You know, when things like this happen, it really makes you realize how important family is.” *GAG*

Everytime he would talk, he wouldn’t look at me, just my grandfather. He was trying really hard to give me the impression that he was ignoring me. 

At the end of the day, I was still laughing and joking around with my grandfather. I was simply happy, and he COULD NOT STAND IT. So at the end of the day, I called him to ask if my little brother could watch a movie with me (I remember being terrified when I was younger if I watched any kind of movie other than a kid one without my father’s permission first) and after he answered my question, he goes, “Yeah. So can I talk to your dad now?” 

That one did sting, but I didn’t show it. I kept my polite voice on and said, “Sure! One second please.” After that day, I never questioned my decision to not contact my dad again. He can’t stand it if he can’t control your every move (he did this with me and my siblings, my mother, his mother, and now his FI) and if you don’t allow him to do it, then he will simply cut you out of his life. I’m not going to allow him to have any kind of effect on me, so no contact for us!

The point of my story is that some people thrive on negativity and bringing people down into it. I will not tell you to distance yourself from your father because that is something only you can decide, but I will advise that you stop defending you and your FI’s actions and simply brush off anything he says. 

So when he says something like, “I can’t believe you don’t own a home! You sure must like renting!” Just respond with, “Yeah, right now we do.” instead of, “Well you know we’re students and I don’t have the right credit and hejxlfnshshe….” Just respond to all of his snippy remarks with a very complacent, uninterested tone. He’s trying to get an emotional reaction out of you. Don’t give it to him. 

Good luck! I know how difficult those kind of people can be. 

Post # 12
Bee
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

My aunt has said shit like this to my Fiance and me, because we’re “getting married”.  Okay, I’m a graduate student.  I literally make enough money to eat, and I save the rest for wedding and tuition.  I make under 25k a year.  My FI?  She is newly a nurse and doesn’t have a permnant FT job – she has “casual” positions.  We don’t have a lot of money!  

Plus we live in the #3 most expensive city in the country.  To buy a 2 bedroom condo that is smaller than the apartment we’re in would be close to 300,000 dollars.  Which means we need atleast a 30 grand down payment.  Sorry but we don’t have that.  My Aunt seems to think that because were getting married, we NEED a house of our own. 

Well, we can’t afford it.  

I just ignore her and ask if she wants to put down the downpayment and cosign for us. 

Post # 13
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Mr. Hugz and I are in the same position.  We too are renting because we just can’t afford to buy right now.  And, with the wedding costs we wouldn’t be able to afford a mortgage anyway!

I know it’s hard to hear sometimes, I go through it with my mother constantly.  According to her, renting is “trashy”.  Well, I like the fact that I can afford to live in the neighbourhood I live in (to buy a house in our neighbourhood would be at least $700,000!) and that we live 5 minutes from our offices!

Feel comforted in knowing you’re not alone in this situation.  It’s a weekly fight on our end too!

Post # 14
Member
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry.  My mom does something like this.  She is the first to make snide comments or pass judgement on her children, but she hasn’t exactly set the greatest example with the way she’s lived her life.  I ignore her as much as I can.  I know it’s difficult to do.  It’s probably not worth arguing with your father over.  The next time he makes a comment, just try to laugh it off with a “whatever” and not give him anything else, so that you have no choice but to argue. 

Post # 16
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@takemyhand:  Thank you for posting this. I read a similar article. There is no right or wrong thing to do renting v. owning. Sure it is nice to have something you own, but that also comes with its disadvantages as well.

From a personal standpoint, my Fiance and I own a small business and are renting so that we can put every dime we would have put towards a down payment towards the business. Would I like to own? Sure, and eventually we will. But right now, it’s in our best interest to grow the business and seed the money and I’m not ashamed to be renting.

You shouldn’t be ashamed. Things are different these days. Down payments are bigger, loans are harder to come by. If you don’t have the money right now, you can save and in a few years you could own something bigger than what you could get now.

It’s always a gamble.

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