(Closed) You know no one is forcing you to stay in this relationship.

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4018 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

He is telling you how he feels. Believe him. If marriage is that important to you then this is not the relationship for either of you. 

Post # 3
Member
1338 posts
Bumble bee

“face it, most women are selfish. All the wedding and receptions I know are really just a celebration by the woman for the glorification of herself”

Wow. His views of women are extremely troubling and gross. He doesn’t sound very loving or intelligent to me.

He is right on one thing though. If you want marriage than you should just leave the relationship now. He isn’t going to change his mind.

Post # 4
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

It doesn’t matter why he feels that way about marriage, it’s how he feels.  It’s up to you to decide what your priorities are. 

Post # 5
Member
3440 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

Here’s the thing it really doesn’t matter why he feels the way he does, he’s entitled to those feelings although I find his views toward women ignorant and gross. The issue is you two aren’t on the same page about a topic that you can’t really compromise on. Either both people want to get married or its not happening. He’s being honest with you which is better than giving false hope for years. Now you need to decide if marriage is a deal breaker. And honestly those could just be excuses. If he thinks all women are selfish that would have to include you as well soooo why is he with you? If he doesn’t want to spend $40k, newsflash a wedding doesn’t have to be expensive. Who knew right? 😒

Post # 6
Member
2797 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

What would he say if you said “I don’t want a big white wedding, I just want to go to the courthouse and sign the papers so we’re married.”  I bet he’d have another reason.  He’s telling you what he thinks of marriage so you’ll have to make a choice.

Post # 7
Member
2084 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
kied767 :   “what’s the point of staying in an unhealthy relationship because no one if forcing you to.” 

That just about sums everything up in a nutshell.  He can take you or leave you hon, but he’s flat out told you he’s not marrying you.  Hell I’d question if he even respects you or women in general.  Doesn’t matter at this point tho.  The ball is in your court.  You can only be mad at yourself if you stay in this relationship.

Post # 8
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Why are you dating a misogynist, someone who literally dislikes you purely for what you are (a woman)? He’s not going to marry someone he dislikes.  

Post # 9
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
kied767 :  You need to break up with him and move on. He is very flippant and degrading about marriage/women. He will never marry you- so if marriage matters to you, he is right- move on. Its very telling he didnt say “I dont want to get married because XYZ but I love you so much and want to be with you forever. I am commited to you”. He said “Idk just leave if you want”.

So yeah, just leave. 

 

Post # 10
Member
2780 posts
Sugar bee

Eek, I agree with tiffanybruiser, his views on women are extremely troubling. He sounds like a men’s rights activist type.

But the one thing he gets credit for is being honest. He’s not hiding how he feels. He doesn’t want to get married, he likes the status quo (where he gets all the benefits and none of the obligations/legal commitments), and he’s telling you the truth: if you’re not happy with that you need to leave. So you should leave. You can do so much better. 

Post # 11
Member
1579 posts
Bumble bee

Character shows in how people treat strangers. If you belong to a group that someone denigrates, whether it be a racial group, gender, or a profession, don’t ever count on being an exception. 

Post # 12
Member
5289 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

You’re worried that he feels like he’s wasting his time… But you’re not worried that YOU’RE wasting your time with someone who doesn’t want marriage…

Also someone who says “tell me that you don’t like it so I can show you the door” like it’s no biggie if you left him.

Post # 13
Member
264 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
kied767 :  …he said there’s no difference to him in living together or getting married

Not all guys feel this way, but it seems a lot of them these day do, according to the threads here. That’s why I think it really benefits a woman to get this topic out in the open before moving in, but I fear a lot of them are either afraid to know up front, or move in hoping/thinking that he will change his mind once she’s there.

In your case, he’s making it clear it is not something he sees as important, or intends to do. From your post, you are saying you enjoy your relationship other than this recent conversation. He’s telling you that marriage is not important nor on his radar. Please do not get pregnant. Do take a real look at this guy, because all his statements show his underlying values, and that is a concern.

“…if you’re not happy in this relationship, let me know because what’s the point of staying in an unhealthy relationship because no one if forcing you to…”

Yes, no one should be in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship, and he’s right about that. However he is telling you it doesn’t matter to him if you stay or go, which is no compliment to you.

“…face it, most women are selfish. All the wedding and receptions I know are really just a celebration by the woman for the glorification of herself. Does it look like I wanna spend 40k on a wedding ?”

Now there’s a strange conclusion(!!?!), and it’s degrading. His feelings about women (and possibly you too since you are one!) are disturbing. Has he made derogatory comments about women in the years that you have known him? That is a red flag there.

OK, so he doesn’t like lavish like a lot of the weddings are, especially in city areas. Not all weddings have to be that though. Weddings are for selfish women to glorify themselves? Not only an unacceptable, pompous comment for starters, but also sounds like he has some resentment in there.

The bottom line is if you want to be a wife someday, this is not your guy. At least he told you, instead of messing with your head and stringing you along like some men do. 

However before you leave, have a final talk (NOT a threat, NOT an ultimatum, NOT a fight, NOT whining…but a genuine CALM intelligent heart to heart talk with him, and tell him how you feel, so that YOU can have closure and no ‘what if’.  You will find out if he is even capable of a heart to heart, which I doubt that he is. It could be an erroneous conclusion he’s come to from witnessing other couples in bad relationships. OR it could be a fear of commitment, where these men find the most ridiculous excuses, and never end in marriage. AND/OR it could be deep-seated feelings toward women which he has indicated here. I realize all we can know about him is just what you’ve posted, but do keep in mind his comment about women, because if he holds a contempt or hatred of women, which from your post sounds like he does, then this is not a man you should even want to be with let alone to marry. He’s already shown little value to you. So in any case, you will have your confirmation. Because so far, he’s made it very clear. 

It’s easier to see what you want to see and scary to ask and find out for fear of the outcome, but honestly it’s better to know now than later when you’re even more invested. People who don’t speak up and “ride it out” for fear of rocking the boat get the same outcome down the road anyway, so finding out the truth could have saved themselves years of heartache and wasted time. Good luck, Bee!

 

 

Post # 14
Member
2662 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Wow, he just set off my ‘Sexist Prick’ alarms!

If he doesn’t want to get married then fine. If he can’t even have an adult discussion with you about it then not fine. If you want to get married and he doesn’t then he’s not the one for you.

Post # 15
Member
7442 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Well first off pp are right – he sounds like a sexist ass with his “most women are selfish” bullshit. Does he make other derogatory comments about women or did this just come out of nowhere?

Second, I am wondering, why is he fixating on this $40k wedding idea? Did you tell him that’s the type of wedding you want or did he just pull that out of his ass? Cause you can get married for like $60 at the court house…or you could have an intimate wedding for a few thousand….there are so many ways to do it. But I agree with pp, he will probably have a reason against every option you put on the table.

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