You know no one is forcing you to stay in this relationship.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

kied767 :  It seems like his views are about the wedding, not marriage.

If he actually is against marriage, then you have a decision to make. I personally wouldn’t waste my time on someone who didn’t want to get married. Marriage is important to me. That’s something I would never had compromised on.

Post # 17
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Not only does he not respect women and not want to get married to you, but this is not a good relationship.

I know it’s not because he was not even willing to hear what you you wanted or why, let alone compromise. It’s his way or the highway.

i’ll bet if you think about it you will see this throughout your interactions. 

But even if the relationship were a good one, he does not want to marry you, and that doesn’t work for you. 

Theres only one person whose job it is to stand up for you: you. 

Post # 18
Member
10580 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

kied767 :  

It matters not one whit *why* he doesn’t want to get married.  His parents’ relationship is of no moment in this.

If this is your ‘best relationship’, get yourself into therapy post haste.

As for your bf–that spew about women being basically selfish should have set all of your alarms off.  He let the mask slip.  You know now how little regard he has for your gender.  A lifetime of that should be unbearable.  I hope he never has kids.

Then there’s the matter of dismissing you from the entire relationship with nary a thought.  You’re not happy with the current state of the union?  Fine.  Go take a hike and don’t look back.

Not a guy remotely interested in participating.

This is not about him, or why he’s the way he is.  It’s how on earth did you listen to this crap and still stick around?  That question is going to require therapy, Bee.

With his attitude about women, I have a hunch he wouldn’t waste a lot of time finding your replacement–women are fungible to guys like this.

 

Post # 19
Member
4840 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

kied767 :  Do you want to spend the rest of your life, and possibly raise children, with a misogynist?  

Post # 20
Member
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I don’t know about handsome or hilarious, but your guy is not loving or intelligent. Is the topic post directed at him? You should take your own advice and cut your losses.

Post # 21
Member
11965 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

kied767 :  When you asked why he never told you he did not want to get married and he essentially said, “you never asked” that was the moment I would have walked out the door. No decent man would have put you in that position, for five years no less. 

On top of that he has little regard or care for whether you stay or go as well as a highly misogynistic view of women. 

It’s not completely clear if he’s against weddings or marriage in general, but with his indifferent and disrespectful attitude toward you, what difference does it make? I would not be sticking around long enough to find out.

Post # 22
Member
9729 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Ew. 

Ew. Ew. Ew.

Post # 23
Member
5951 posts
Bee Keeper

sassy411 :  +1000, all of this. 

I had a whole lot to say about this dude- but you said it perfectly. 

Post # 24
Member
2509 posts
Sugar bee

I once dated a guy who expressed outright disdain for women. I was young and naive and didn’t know any better.

He turned out to be an emotionally abusive, narcissistic, burning trash pile of a human being.  

He was 5 years older than me, so I looked up to him without even realizing I did.

He was 6’3, gorgeous, well-built, and athletic. I let the fact that I wanted him to be smart and funny and deserving of my love convince me that he WAS actually all of those things.

He was not any of those things. He was so incredibly ugly inside.

Now, I’m happily engaged to be married to the love of my life.

He is nearing 40, nowhere closer to growing up and having a loving, committed relationship than when I broke up with him almost 7 years ago.

Your SO sounds like a negative, pathetic misogynist. Don’t let him take you down with him.

Post # 25
Member
1283 posts
Bumble bee

Well there are a few different things going on here. First if all wedding and marriage are two different things. You can get married for free.

Also all women are selfish? I can understand not liking the money making business that weddings are but that’s a bit much. Also the lead from “I dont want to get married, just be in a relationship” to “if you are unhappy then leave” is quite big and not exactly related to each other. There is a lot in between. Some people just don’t want to get married and there doesnt have to be any more profound reasoning.

To me it sounds like he wants you to break up with him. Maybe try to have a mature  conversation and express what you want and then he can express what he wants. If he says something stupid like women are selfish then challenge his views. Explain that weddings are not mandatory etc.

Post # 26
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

He sounds sexist. 

Post # 27
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - State Park

Sounds like he’s probably pretty okay with a marriage, but thinks a wedding like you see on tv is the only path to that. 

See where he stands on eloping or a city hall wedding with your parents present. That’ll help you gauge where he really stands. 

How old is he? My husband gave me a 10 minute monologue about how he doesn’t believe in or understand marriage, unprompted, about 4 years ago. He grew up. He learned about the benefits. He doesn’t remember ever saying or believing any of that. 

Post # 28
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

 

Seriously your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. Weddings are about both parties and you can easily do things at your wedding to make it more about him. This dude just doesn’t want to marry you and he probably never will. If marriage is important to you(and even if it isn’t) this relationship needs work. From what you posted it doesn’t even sound like he respects you(or women in general) all that much. Also there are some guys you just can’t play house with. They have that whole “why buy the cow?” mentality. 

 

Post # 29
Member
652 posts
Busy bee

I would normally say that couples can be in a healthy and fulfilling life long committed relationship without marriage as long as they mutually agree, but not this time. 

Even IF you agreed that marriage is not important and you are satisfied with the way things are… 

Your guy is a dick and you should leave him. I know that because people who say things like “if you don’t like it, then you can leave” are dicks. 

Marriage is a sensitive topic and I can imagine that when you bring it up to him, knowing the way he speaks to you, you are probably nervous and insecure. Which is ok, but it’s not ok for him to trample on your feelings with such disregard, especially when you are likely to be in a delicate state to begin with.  

Can you imagine a life with someone who says “if you don’t like it, then you can leave…” to everything!? 

Willingness to discuss and compromise is a fundamental part of a relationship. Your guy doesn’t get that, nor does he care. 

Good luck with it all. 

 

Post # 30
Member
5952 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Don’t confuse marriage and a wedding…and make him specify what he’s objecting to here…if he’s against the institution of marriage because he believes women are selfish then yeah, this guy might be an extra large bowl of jerk sauce…

BUT – if what he’s really not into is blowing $40k on what is essentially a party and because of shows like Bridezilla’s and all that rot where women are self agrandizing monsters freaking out over chair covers and insisting that the entirety of people’s lives center on them and a wedding…well, yeah – I don’t know a lot of guys that would line up for that.

Look, you say he’s a nice guy – and he probably is, but maybe he didn’t state where he was at clearly and no one likes the phrase, No One’s Making You Stay…that’s a crap thing to say to anyone and if it was me I’d call him on that because no one is making you stay, but no one is making him be an asshole either…

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