(Closed) you ladies think you got it tough….

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

It sounds like your parents object for some reason? If so, it might be tough to get them excited…

Post # 4
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m sorry, that’s probably not very fun. But at least you know your future family is there for you and supports your decision, which is more than a lot of brides have. Look on the bright side, bask in the happiness you feel about your engagement, start planning (and have a hella lot of fun doing it), and your family will either 1) not be able to resist in joining in the festivities or 2) keep ignoring the whole situation. Either way, you can’t force them to support you, you just have to hope that they will, especially when they see how positive you can be despite them. Best of luck and happy planning!

Post # 5
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Maybe they think you are too young or rushed into it? I might be in the minority here, but IMO 18 is way too young to get married and if my 18 year old told me she was engaged (she’s only 4 right now!) I would be less than excited. Also, how long have y’all been together? Have y’all had a good stable relationship or a normal teenage kind of thing where you hate each other every other week? Are you in school? Is he in school? Maybe your parents think y’all can’t provide for yourself. Did he actually propose with a ring and everything or did y’all just decide to get married one day? I ask all of this because I have a friend who did this all to her parents when she was around your age and of course her parents weren’t happy.

Post # 6
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

While I’m excited for you, I too have a 4 year old and would be the same way as KateMW if mine came to me at 18 I would think she was nuts, and definityly not be excited.

Not to say I wasn’t MADLY in love when I was 18. You couldn’t pry us apart with a crowbar, we were together from the time I was 16-21. He was everything to me, and were also getting married. I had a beautiful, but tiny dimond ring. I realized around 21 I hadn’t gone out to find "me" – I was only me for him, and no matter how much I loved him, that wasn’t fair to me. I was a great person I needed to find that out.

At 18 you’re just becomming the wonderful and amazing person you’ll be when you’re 25, 35, 55, 75+! You owe it to yourself to find yourself before you give yourself to someone else. I’m not saying call of the wedding by any means, I’m a firm believer in "whats meant to be will find a way" I’m just saying, maybe take a longer engagement don’t run to the altar.

Maybe showing your parents how serious you really are about each other and this huge life decision with a longer engagement, will help them ease into being excited. I think that at your age it’s one of those things you’re going to have to work around with them, if you force it and rush they won’t be on board and the last thing you want is to be back here, like me, complainng that something else has gone wrong…;-)

Take care, hang in there, don’t rush and HUGS!!!!

Post # 7
Member
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I second the don’t rush advice.  Have you spoken to your parents about their concerns and really listened to what they had to say?

My mom got married when she was 18. 38 years later my parents are still together, but it hasn’t always been pretty and my mom definitely had problems individuating and developing as a person because of her early marriage.

It can work.  I mean, my parents are still together, after all… but it takes a ton of commitment.

Maybe if you listen to your family’s concerns, show them that you are willing to go to pre-marital counseling, go to school, and develop yourself you’ll help allay their concerns.

My sister was 21 when she got married, but she dropped out of college to do it.  She regrets stopping her education now, because she feels like she won’t want to stay at home with the kids forever and she has no market-able skills.

So, have a long engagement while you finish your education and enjoy the rest of your teens and early 20s! 

Post # 8
Member
378 posts
Helper bee

Oh my dear Lord I’ve changed personalities about four times since I was 18 – and at 29 I finally feel like I know who I am, am happy with that person and feel ready to commit to someone. I’m by no means saying that you shouldn’t get married, but just like everyone else said – talk with your parents. Go in with an open mind and don’t be defensive. You’re going to hate this, but at your age, I thought I knew everything too. I thought I knew what was best for me and dang it if I wasn’t going to have anyone challenge that. What did they know? Yeah, looking back on that …

Good luck and take it slow. You have the rest of your lives in front of you, and your parents are just looking out for your best interests.  

Post # 9
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I have several friends who married their high school sweethearts, and it has worked out well for all of them.  However, they all waited until after graduating from college to get married, which I think helped their relationships a lot.

I also have several friends who married in their late teens/early twenties, without going to college – they are all divorced.  I’m not saying, of course, that this is where you will end up.  However, I know in all these cases that what finally happened is that the women realized they had never had the chance to have the life they wanted – they went right from living with their parents to living with their husbands (and usually to having children very soon afterwards) and never had the chance to really have their own lives.  It’s awfully sad for everyone involved when a woman decides that the husband and kids and life she has is not what she would have chosen, had she really made a choice.

My FI’s daughter is 20, and lives with us and attends community college.  We are actually quite thankful that she is not even dating seriously, as we really think she ought to have the opportunity (and experience) of having her own apartment and living on her own, supporting herself, before she makes the choice to marry.  Perhaps that is what your own parents feel, and why they are not excited.

You don’t say what your plans are as far as work or college, but maybe if you can convince your parents that you have some plans, other than being somebody’s wife, they will feel better about your choice.  Personally, I would advise waiting a few years – if this guy is the right one, the relationship will last – even if you don’t go to the same college (there are lots of long-distance relationship stories on weddingbee).  And you can get married better equipped to deal with life in general, and the realities of today, in which women often don’t have a real choice about whether to work, in which women often are the primary or at least an equal financial support for the family – and you won’t end up 15 years from now feeling like you really missed out on something.

Post # 10
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I forgot to add that I know that there are people who married really young and it worked out just great, but my husband was also married very young to his high school sweetheart and after 7 years of marriage and dating from the time they were 14 they got divorced. When people grow up together, sometimes they grow apart. Maybe that’s what your parents are worried about. 

Post # 11
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I forgot to add that I know that there are people who married really young and it worked out just great, but my husband was also married very young to his high school sweetheart and after 7 years of marriage and dating from the time they were 14 they got divorced. When people grow up together, sometimes they grow apart. Maybe that’s what your parents are worried about. 

Post # 12
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

How long will your engagement be?  Maybe you should take it slow and instead of focusing on wedding planning, focus on the relationship for 4 years or so, then start wedding planning.  This way your family has time to digest the whole thing and come around, you have time to really discover him, and everyone is happy. Good luck.

Post # 13
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I think it’s too much to ask for a family to get excited that their daughter is marrying at such a young age…I don’t think that’s any parent’s ideal situation esp. since statistically the younger you are when you marry the more likely you are to divorce. Maybe to be tolerant of it, but to be excited? Don’t try to force them into planning…if they did take part it would probably be with fake enthusiasm and I don’t think that’s what you want. They may eventually come around but for now I think you just have to do your planning with the groom’s side.

Post # 14
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

You asked about how to get them involved…maybe the first step (if you haven’t) is to let them have their say about why they are not more supportive.  They might have legitimate things on their mind that are important for you to hear.  Once you hear them out, you can decide if there are things you can do to address their concerns (e.g., let them know you are going to college) or if they are being unreasonable. 

You should also tell them how important it is to you that they be involved.  While they might not still be thrilled you are getting married, you can probably ask them to do specific things in the planning process that will get them to be a part of it.

Post # 16
Member
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

18 is very, very young to be married.  I only know of a few couples that married at that age and most of them have divorced – there is a LOT of growth that happens in your 20s, which includes living on your own, higher education, simply figuring out who you are as a person.  That’s not to say that marrying the love of your life right now will end in disaster, but that unless there is a pressing rush, why not have a very long engagement and marry post-college as one of hte other posters suggested?  This may be a good way to demonstrate to your parents that you’re being mature, taking things slowly and will also give them time to adjust and become more excited about the wedding.

 

The topic ‘you ladies think you got it tough….’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors