(Closed) you ladies think you got it tough….

posted 11 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I don’t think you should walk down the aisle until your 21…  I changed a lot during 18-21.  I think possible exceptions to this could be if you are pregnant… then I understand your desire to be married and think this is a great idea.  You’re linked to this man for the rest of your life, why not do your best to build a life for your child. 

 

 

  If you are hell bent on getting married talk to your parents.  Because of your age, they might not totally get involved… but I’m sure they will be part of your day.  That’s all you can really ask for… if this is truly what you want, it shouldn’t matter.   

Post # 18
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Hey younginlove — it sounds like your mom is afraid you’re headed down her same path.

I think its wonderful that you’ve found love at such a young age, it’s a great security during what is often a very awkward time in life. I would encourage you both to really stay open to experiencing your college years for all that they have to offer. I’m not saying have an open relationship or anything like that, but just enjoy your relationship for what it is and not stress it out with making a lifelong commitment.

College is a real time of self-discovery and I’ve seen my share of girlfriends come from solid 2-3yr long high school relationships then decide they want something different for their life in college as their education and world experience grows. I’ve had other girlfriends stay strong with their guy all through those college years. Unfortunately, now 10yrs in, those relationships are hitting a bit of ‘mid-life crisis’ because they didn’t get to just be young, single and self-exploring.

Post # 19
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think you need to make sure you know why you’re getting married so young, so that you can explain it to your parents, so that they can be more supportive.  You don’t need their enthusiastic participation, but you do need their support.  Love really is not enough of a reason to get married.  Trying to get out of your parents house is not enough of a reason, unless they are really horrible to you and you have absolutely no way to support yourself.  (Still don’t think it is enough of a reason.)  The idea of being tied to another person, romantically, is very exciting.  The idea of being tied to another person, legally and financially, is less so.  This is the person who will be your next of kin and decide whether to donate your organs or when to pull you off life support if, God forbid, something should happen to you.  You will have to decide the same.  This is the person who will have to decide where you will be buried, and what to do with any and all of your money.  You will have to do the same for him.  This is the person whose health and car insurance you will be on, or the person who will be on yours.  When he has a car accident, your insurance will go up, because you will be tied together.  This is the person that you will have to sit down and figure out how to pay your income taxes with, because you won’t be a dependant anymore.  This is the person you have to learn how to handle money with.  This is the person whose financial messiness could ruin you, or vice versa.  This is the person whose credit card debt will be tied to you.  This is the person that you will have to support if he loses his job, and vice versa.  Two people on one nineteen and a half year old’s income?  That is extremely difficult, at least where I come from.  

I think the reason that college lasts from 2-4 years is because that is pretty much how long it takes to make the transition from being a child to being an adult.  For most people, their parents still take care of some things for them, are still able to support them emotionally or financially.  Marriage, before you fully transition, means that you have to grow up too fast.  

I really don’t mean to rain on your parade, and obviously you’re very excited and you came to the hive for support and not for all of us to tell you that you are too young to get married.  I just know that at 18, I didn’t realize all of the legal and financial details that marriage entails, I only understood that it meant that you were bound to each other for the rest of your lives, so I thought I’d fill you in on the ones I can think of, so that you can go to your parents and explain that you and your fiance are really ready for this commitment and all that it entails, and that you really understand what marriage means.  I think once you can demonstrate that you really are an adult, they may realize that you are ready to get married.  

And if your mother continues to act like you are wasting her time, don’t involve her in your planning.  

Post # 20
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

I personally think people are crazy to get married before they are 30  : )

But that’s not what you asked.

Your mother is concerned because she married young and her marriage failed. Your sister also married young and may be realizing that it isn’t her ideal situation after all, either. They don’t want to see you in the same situation.

Your life is your own, and although people may disagree with the choices you make (and for good reason), they are still your choices and nobody else’s. That being said, you can not force your family to be happy for you if they are not – and they obviously are not.  If you choose to follow through with this marriage in the timeline you’ve laid out, do not expect them to jump for joy – if they were going to, they would have done it already. My parents would have killed me if I announced at 18 that I was getting married. 

Post # 21
Member
41 posts
Newbee

Like a few of the ladies above, I would suggest a really long engagement (ie 3-4 years).  You’re probably tired of hearing this already but there really IS a lot of growing up that happens between age 18-23.  If my high school sweetheart had proposed to me when we were 18/ 19, I probably would have said "yes" because I couldn’t imagine a life without him at the time.  But fast forward, we were together for a total of 7 years before we realized that we became different people from who we were in high school and were more suited to friends.  Now, at age 33, I can truly say that I know myself well enough to know that my new husband is truly the love of my life.

Not to sound preachy but please take time to get to know yourself and establish your identity as an individual before you establish a permanent identity as a couple.  If you believe this love is everlasting, then it’ll still be there after the long engagement.

As for your parents, communication is always the key.

Post # 22
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

It might be hard to get them excited for wedding planning, especially since they’ve been in similar situations and it hasn’t worked out for them. 

My advice would be to take a pre-marital course.   It might show your parents that you are serious about your relationship and you are willing to take the steps to make sure it gets off on the right foot.  

In my case,  I married my first boyfriend, we started dating in high school.  We are now 26 and just got married, we had waited because we were both financially dependant on our parents to help get us through university and we wanted to be able to individually self sufficient on our own.    We took premarital counseling and I think we both really benefitted from it.

I hope everything works out for you; you can’t force others to be excited for you. As long as your happy, that is all that matters.

Post # 23
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

My boyfriend and I decided as soon as we realized how serious we were about eachother to NOT get married until after we turned 21 (which would be when we would be graduated from college, ideally, but we both ended up taking a little time off so it will ofset graduation a little.) I’m 19 right now and he turns 20 next week and we’re not yet engaged, though he’s popping the question some time at the end of this year. We also agreed on a one and a half year engagement, and we’re wanting a wedding some time around summer 2010. The kicker in this is that our one year anniversary is October 31st of this year. Now, Ive had some people think this is WAY rushing it but there are several very important factors in this relationship:

A) We are both VERY mature and independant people. We joke around that we’ve always felt at least 10 years older than we really are. We’ve both lived on our own, completely supported ourselves financially, and are 100% secure with who we are and where we stand in our lives. 

B) We’ve been through so many life chages together. I’ve gone from financial devistation to getting back on my feet with nothing but his help. I’ve become estranged with my parents and fled to him for support, leading us to our current situation of living together, and become semi-reconnected with my parents. He’s been nothing but there for me. We’ve both gone through career changes, family deaths, major purchases, all kinds of things that life brings on and we’ve handled them fabulously.

C) When you’ve met the one, I don’t care what anyone says, you absolutely know it and no amount of a waiting period will change that.

I know this reads like more of a justification for our own union, but it’s meant as a helpful example. I am absolutely 1000% percent certain that I’ll be making the right decision marrying him when I do. In my opinion, 18 is too young to be married. Wait at least two years, if not a little longer. I think the older the better, but some times you just can’t wait. Be sure to read plenty of books, talk about all the important things you can think of (plans for children, housing, career ideas, religious beliefs, cover ALL bases), maybe even go to couples counceling just to make sure both of you AND your relationship are mature and ready to live a life together. Marriage take work work WORK and, while butterflies and lovey-doviness are GREAT, you need to make sure you are approaching things from a level-headed and well rounded perspective. Bottom line: as long as you’re being mature and level headed and not getting swept up in the emotions of young love, you should be happy together forever.

Post # 24
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Hindsight is 20/20, right? I know all of you older gals mean well, but saying that you wouldn’t advocate marriage before 21 or 30 (?!) isn’t what the OP asked, nor is it very helpful. Janna and ist, I think you’ve got the right idea.

Post # 25
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: January 2009

I was wondering how well your family knows your fiance and how much time you all have spent around them together? I know the more and more my family spent time with my boyfriend and I together the more they grew to love him, and us as a couple. Because they knew him so well that when he approached them to ask to marry me they were more than excited even though I was only 21. So maybe if you spent some time with your family together and proving your love for one another. I know you shouldn’t have to do that but maybe in this situation you need to. Also maybe if your fiancee took sometime to talk to your parents about there concerns and explain to them how he feels about you and why he wants to marry you. Maybe that would open them up more. ANyway.. good luck and congratulations. Just remember even though you get married doesn’t mean all your dreams go down the drain, you just get someone to fulfill those dreams with.

Post # 26
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

Why do you want to get married this early? Honestly.

Post # 27
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Okay, here’s advice from an engaged 20-year-old, so take it or leave it as one of experience or inexperience 😀 First of all, financial independence. Yes we are 20, and yes I am in school, but FH is military and has his own income, while I have been financially independent outside of housing/tuition for four years (paying for all expenses outside of my tuition and everything out of my own house in high school). You need to know how to deal with money. Do not rely on him – build your own credit, have your own savings, etc. And if you show your parents that you are capable, as a couple, of supporting yourselves and even willing and able to take on all aspects of your life, that can help a lot. In my case, we talked through every expense we could think of and compared it to our own salaries to see whether we could truly live on our own (tuition, fees, books, rent, food, transportation etc) We determined that it would be difficult, but we could do it. Then we "presented" our plan to our parents, who assured us that they were willing to continue contribution to my tuition. Financial maturity is usually one of the greatest concerns – they don’t want you to get married then, years later, end up divorced with no credit and no savings. 

Your relationship, of course, is also important. Are your parents aware of your commitment to each other? Do they know that you have talked through every scenario – maybe even bought one of those marriage advice books and gone through the little quizzes and questionnaires? How many (if any) children, what religion, will anyone stay home with children and who, what kind of professions will you have and will that restrict where you live – and where do you want to live? Can you compromise and live happily if he loves the country and you love the city? I think these are the kinds of things your parents are worried about and if you can let them see that you are prepared and mature – like anyone else getting married but you just happen to be younger – it may ease their fears. 

 

Also, just be prepared for criticism of your choice. Take it and let it go, because if you hang on to it, or appear defensive, it will only increase the doubt in other’s eyes and perhaps instill doubt in yourself (though if you do have this doubt, and your parents’ disapproval might be bringing it to light, let it come through – talk about it with your fiance and a good friend, and be sure that this is the right choice for YOU forever). You should recognize, also, that truly many young marriages do not work and people are going to think of this first when you tell them. However, many older marriages do not work as well -if you are not honest and open with your partner, especially. My mother said this to me when I first brought up the possibility of my engagement with her: She married my dad in her early 30’s and (I am oversimplifying) let him take her along for the ride for years, allowing him to push her around, while neither of them expressed their true feelings out of fear for hurting the other. They were divorced after 17 years of marriage. So, marriage does not work for many reasons – not just because you are young.

Even some of my "best" friends were stand-offish at first towards me. Generally as a culture we don’t expect people to marry so young and if it happens, it makes people around you feel like "how is this happening already?" I talked to my friends more later, and they explained that they were just kind of shocked that we have grown up and this is a possibility – then proceeded to apologize for being distant and telling me how they just knew it would happen with me/us (these are the people who told me "you are going to be married first" in middle school). Your parents see you as their child. It is difficult to accept.

 

(Sorry I wrote so much! It is important to me that if anyone is planning on marrying young they are not just dismissed with the words "it won’t work" or "why would you do that". Neither of those are constructive and neither will change the person’s mind. Only he or she, at this point, can and will make the decision, and I hope it is based on careful thought and analysis of what is best – whether that is to keep dating, to live together, to become domestic partners, to marry, or even to break up – whatever is best for them PERSONALLY and not just their relationship in the long-run)

Post # 28
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think taking a premarital class is a great idea. It shows your commitment to one another in a tangible way for your family and prevents them from saying "you’re not taking this seriously."

Post # 29
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

i’m 21 and just got married two months ago. it is absolutely possible to get married young and make it successful, but the life circumstances you go through (college, first job, etc.) can test your relationship.

as long as you’ve thought this out, you can do it. you just have to be fully committed to your relationship – marriage is not easily undone.

as far as getting your family on board, you have a year and a half engagement, right? that should give them time to come around to your marriage. if not, marriage is you two. yeah, i know, the family comes too, but you’re 18 – old enough to be independent and make your own decisions. 

good luck! give your family space and time and i think they’ll come around – particularly if you both show your ability to care for yourselves during this engagment period.

Post # 30
Bee
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

Mr. Cherry Pie and I have been together since I was 17 and he was 20. But we waited until I was 25 to get engaged. I’d always read that the human brain keeps maturing and changing physically until you’re 25 and that means major changes to your way of thinking and even your personality. I figured if we made it through those years together, we could make it through anything.

Honestly, I’m really glad we didn’t get engaged sooner, but even if we had I bet we’d still be together. So good luck to you! 

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