(Closed) you ladies were so right……

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
6350 posts
Bee Keeper

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@MissHoneyBun: I love the way you say what we are all thinking.

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@Impatiently waiting: HE IS ABUSIVE. I’m sorry but it is true. We care for you and do not want to see you get hurt anymore.

Post # 18
Member
450 posts
Helper bee

@Impatiently waiting: When you ask a man for more affection or attention do you know what his response should be 100% of the time? To do everything he can to make YOU feel loved and happy. His negative response to your need for more affection speaks volumes–there are some serious underlying issues there and what concerns me the most is that he doesn’t seem to be putting your feelings ahead of his own.  After all, pure love is deeply caring about the other individual’s feelings and happiness above your own even. 

I’m not sure if you will leave this man behind, but if you remain with him the cycle will continue.  He may be nice and normal one day, but distant and cold the next.  A loving relationship should be stable, consistent and predictable at least most of the time.  Please love yourself enough to walk away.  Trust me, before meeting my SO I was in a relationship where the guy was cold and distant in every aspect and only now do I know what it means to really be cherished and loved.  You deserve better. 

Post # 19
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I would really love to hear a update from you dear- your in my thoughts

Post # 20
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

So sorry you’re going through this!

Post # 22
Member
8734 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@Impatiently waiting: Have you seen someone about your attraction to abusive men? Sometimes talking it out with someone else can really help you figure out why you are doing what you are doing and move on.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but I am glad that you are realizing things about yourself so you can work towards fixing them.

*hugs*

Post # 23
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@Impatiently waiting: I just want to say that while it sucks and hurts now, I’m so, so, so glad to hear that you’re on the road to healing, and making good, intentional choices! That’s not an easy thing to do, especially when it means uprooting things that make you feel safe or comfortable (even illogically so, when they’re neither safe nor comfortable).

So a big huge YOU GO GIRL! from this side of the room!

As for not listening earlier, don’t beat yourself up over that. You have to come to it on your own terms, or you’d just be letting yourself be pushed around by a bunch of voices on the internet, instead of by some guy. You’re standing on your own two feet, and that’s an amazing place to be!

Post # 24
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

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@MissHoneyBun: lol, I love this! 

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@Impatiently waiting: It might not seem like it now, but it’s a good thing he left!!! My sister’s ex-boyfriend is very similar to yours. Leaving him was the hardest thing she ever did, she was miserable for a while. BUT she is currently at her best! She’s so healthy and happy. You’ll find someone who will give you the love and attention you need and deserve. Move out as soon as you can! 

Post # 25
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am sorry to hear about this. I hope you realize your better without him. Please don’t settle for anything less than the best. By that, I mean it should be a guy who calls you beautiful everyday, wants to know everything about you, helps you make hard decisions and a guy you will be annoyed with because he gives you so much snuggles and kisses. YOU deserve this. Look back and see that this was the path that is leading you to happiness and that it has nothing to do with who you are. 

Post # 27
Member
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

And let me guess… you’re still there. You’ve made no plans to leave him. And any minute now, he’ll come running back (again) all rainbows & butterflies, repeating the cycle, sucking you in (again) before he tears you down (yet again). This is just another vent about your awful, abusive BF that you refuse to leave.

PLEASE PROVE ME WRONG.

Post # 28
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@littlemissmango: If I had a nickle everytime I said that to someone I would be rich- and so would someone else who had said it to me countless times

The fact remains that this is a blessing- he left, he is on the outs now, not you. Its time, OP to take a good look around yourself and wake up and realize the HUGE relief this should be- he’s out, now its just a matter of gathering your things and getting out too.

My abuser left before I did- it was stupid and messed up, and I should have gotten out earlier. I didnt, was worse for it- but in the end I was out! It doesnt matter how you get there, just that you GET OUT. Now. No ifs, ands or buts about it. How would you feel if you stay and realize that you werent the woman who took advantage of his absence and got out? What would you say to that woman?

Please take the advice and dont let his excuses (as they will come) drag you back in

Post # 29
Member
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@Bellanouva: Well, the problem my dear is that we know nothing of the sort (regarding him being on the “outs”). She just said he “left” and that she didn’t know where he went. I could be wrong, but that did not read as “he left me for good and now we are broken up.” Which yes, would definitely be a blessing, but I don’t think that’s what has transpired. She moved in with him, so it’s his place, so… I’m assuming he just threw his little hissy fit and stormed out to prove a point. But you are absolutely right in that she ought to take this opportunity while/if he is gone, at least temporarily, to get her %@$# together and get the hell out of there.

Post # 30
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@littlemissmango: I guess I should have been more clear- I definitely meant it in the meaning that he was “out” physcially…hes out of the apartment! Get clothes, a safe place and GO- thats what I wanted to say anyways…I also wanted to emphasize that she shouldnt be feeling guilty, or weary about leaving at all, or have mixed emotions about him leaving….frankly I would see it as an opprotunity to completely cut ties (in a physical sense, especially since he would come home and she would simply not be there).

I hope she has left- I hope she feels relieved as I did (yeah I felt awful for 3 months as I needed rehabilitation back into a normal life, and into my previous support system) but Im hoping she will save herself that incredible heartache and have the instinct to get out now, not later, and NOT to wait until he comes back. I guess also Im saying….dont give him the chance to run back to you and make excuses….dont even be present for that BS…just leave.

Post # 31
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

was there even a doubt if you re-read over your whole story that “the hive” was correct in their advice on this matter? This has been a progressively shitty/abusive/sexist relationship you have painted for us.

 

My suggestion based on your choice in men is to stop dating completely and go work on yourself. Go see a therapist…fix yourself so you don’t feel dating this type of man is a work in progress. Just because they get a little nicer each time doesn’t mean you’re improving. The fact is you are still choosing bad personalities to date which means there is something underlying here within yourself that needs figured out.

But with that said you realizing he is a “jerk” is the first step. But you need to fix what makes you find these kind of people acceptable to begin with.

Good luck to you.

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