You Need a Hug

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
1367 posts
Bumble bee

Knee-jerk thought: It reminds me of the issue with men telling women to smile. Or “she (or he!) just needs to get laid.” 

But, okay, beyond the obvious bullshitery involved in these statements, the hug thing COULD potentially be an offensively-worded way of someone trying to say, “I see that you’re not feeling happy and connected to others. Positive and nurturing human contact allows for these feelings! You might need positive and nurturing human contact, then, such as a hug.”

I definitely agree with you that the wording suggests that the other person “knows what’s best” for us, and that’s problematic. But is it possible that the wording is the culprit and not the motivation behind it? (And I think this is possible in a way that I do NOT truly think the “smile” or “get laid” things are possible.) 

Post # 4
871 posts
Busy bee

I have a frenemie who told me I ‘need to get laid’ (as in I needed to lighten up) and I smiled sweetly and told him I get laid plenty, maybe he thinks there’s a shortage of women getting laid because he’s not getting any. 

Being told I need a hug doesn’t bother me if it’s someone close enough to me that I’m comfortable hugging them, I do agree it’s better to phrase it as a question “Do you need a hug?” “Would you like a hug?” Because yes, sometimes even old and crusty Bees need hugs. It’s not okay however if someone who isn’t in my ‘comfort zone’ tries hugging me inappropriately or if it’s said passively aggressively instead of well intended. 

“Smile! Wouldjya smile?!” I can’t even discuss this rationally…..major pet peeve. 

Post # 5
854 posts
Busy bee

Ehh, I think that’s a bit of an overreaction. I get that people  can’t really know what we “need”, but when a friend says something like: “you need a hug”, “you need a girl’s night out”, “you need a drink”, it’s coming from a place of care and empathy, and I can appreciate that even if none of those things aren’t actual solutions for me. Most of the time when someone says something like that, they’re not trying to force you…I see it as more of throwing a suggestion out there because that’s what they’d do if they felt how I was feeling, which again, I can appreciate that sentiment. 

Post # 6
7919 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

sassy411 :  this one bugs me too. I’ve even had my husband say “you need a hug” during arguments and, while I normally love his hugs, I’ve snapped back “no I don’t need a hug. I need you do to the fucking dishes once in a while”. 

Post # 7
508 posts
Busy bee

I hate being told that I need to smile. Some dude on the T said that to me once when it was late (like 10 PM) and I was coming home from class. The last thing I wanted to do was smile, especially when I was in lab and had to dissect a pig.. so I uh, told him he should go F himself.

Can’t say anyone has even told me I need a hug because frankly my death stare is enough to know I’m not in the mood.

I’ve had my best friend say WE need a girls night, or WE need to get a drink. Not just me specifically though.

Post # 8
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

Not similar but I hate the “let it go” saying. Like… thanks, Susan. I would LOVE to let it go. That’s why I’m talking about it. Let’s figure out HOW I can let it go. Because Elsas song isn’t working for me!

Post # 9
1361 posts
Bumble bee

HATE it.  

Post # 10
9854 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I hate being touched. 

Post # 11
7919 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

blondie603 :  I can usually ignore the “smile honey!” guys but one night I was walking by the Common with my mom after a show and I ignored one and then the guy goes “damn – what a shitty mom to raise your daughter to be such a bitch” and I lost my everloving shit on that guy. Straight up made a massive scene on Tremont Street screaming in his face. Fine, sometimes I am a bitch, but my mom on her worst day is still better than any other mother on earth and I was not letting some low-life Southie piece of shit talk to her that way. He was definitely NOT expecting that reaction and sulked down an alley. 

Post # 12
400 posts
Helper bee

I also hate when someone tells me to ‘relax’. In the middle of a conversation thats already pretty serious for whatever reason. Like I’m not handling it well. Or maybe that person being a pr*ck is getting to me and thats how I react. I feel like the correct response should be How about you shut the f up.

Post # 13
1096 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

No one has ever told me that I need a hug, but if they did I think I’d find it quite condescending/patronizing. I have been told to smile, though. One time a man was crossing the street at the same time I was, heading the opposite way so we passed each other. As we approached each other in the crosswalk he said, “you dropped something.” I of course looked behind me, saw nothing and looked back, confused, and he said “your smile.” What a fucking tool.

If anyone tells me to smile again, though, I’m prepared, thanks to Broad City – the Abbi and Ilana move of using both middle fingers to push your lips into a sarcastic smile is *chef’s kiss* perfection.

Post # 15
2219 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

sassy411 :  This infuriates me. Likewise being told to smile. 

The only thing that pisses me off more, is when someone tells me what I’m like. Particularly when they don’t know me very well. 

I think part of this stems from the fact I am a very candid and forthright person. My mother has always been shameless (I mean this in the best possible way) so I didn’t really ever develop shame around a lot of topics other people do. I say things that other people consider very private without really giving it much thought. I think this tends to give very presumptuous people the sense that we have a greater degree of intimacy than we do. Like, “I would only tell that to my best friend in the whole world. We must be best friends!”

Usually, this comes up when I fail to conform to the idea of me they have created, and they can’t handle the cognitive dissonance.

“Your problem is that you’re (insert character trait here) People like you do (insert behavior here) and will always (insert outcome here)!”

People are almost uniformly wrong, on the rare occasion someone DOES get it right, I’m still irritated.  YOU JUST MET ME. I LIVE WITH ME. HOW DO YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM LIKE?

Nothing quite like having yourself mansplained to you. 

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