You Need a Hug

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

The one that get’s me the most is “calm down”. If your having a discussion with someone, just a discussion and say they don’t like where its going and your not even yelling and they say “o.k calm down”. That word right there makes me want to bitch slap them so hard. My voice goes up that at that point I need to calm down. My ex would do this all the time. Instant snap mode.

Post # 17
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - Massachusetts

LilliV :  lol oh man I don’t miss the low lives of Southie!! My ex bf and I lived there for a little while until he had moved in with me in Quincy. Which wasn’t much better. It’s better on the E. Broadway side (where we were), but down by Andrew Sq. is just obnoxious drunks. I was so happy when I moved to the north shore. No one bothers me!

Post # 18
Member
8099 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

blondie603 :  it’s funny because I actually like Southie! And random drunks just being dumb don’t really bother me. But this guy took it too far. Not the “say hi to your mother for me” doofy drunks I’m used to! Funny side story: my husband grew up west of the city and every time he saw a Boston movie/parody that said “say hi to your mother for me” in that thick accent he was like “that’s not a real thing! why do they do that?!” and then he came to my high school reunion and no less than 10 different old buddies said it to me hahahaha. 

Post # 19
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee

mrsptobe2017 : I think this was a popular pick up line about 10 years ago.

My friend experienced this same line from a man at her regular transit stop, but the version she got was ” What’s that on your shoulder?” She knew what was coming and said loudly ” Dandruff.” The other commuters tittered. Man never bothered her again. 

She told me about it and I got to do my take on this a couple of years later when I was carrying drinks back to our table in a pub. A guy passed me and said ” You dropped something.” I knew I hadn’t, so without looking at him I just kept walking and said ” I’ll live without it.”

This same friend also had the you should smile more and as she is the queen of quick comebacks she countered with ” You should lose a few pounds and hit the gym.” I love hanging out with her!

Post # 20
Member
8099 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

desiderata :   You should lose a few pounds and hit the gym.”

Omg I’m using this one next time someone tells me to smile! hahahaha

Post # 21
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

desiderata :  “I’ll live without it” is my 2019 mood, haha! 

Post # 22
Member
770 posts
Busy bee

I really dislike anyone invading my personal space without permission. Full stop. 

However, as I’ve got older, I’ve got better at being calm, yet firm, about my boundaries. I will straight up tell people, “I’m a very private person.” Or “I’d prefer xyz.” And then I follow it up with a big old smile and move right along.

Being able to project a calm, cool, polite, yet “don’t cross this line or else” vibe is a very valuable skill.

Post # 24
Member
888 posts
Busy bee

sassy411 :  Fiancé hates it when someone says, “Chill out.” Personally I don’t get it, but what does irk me is when people use outdated insults like, “Do you want some cheese to go with that wine?” Serously? If you’re going to be condescending, at least be original. I might actually laugh. 

Post # 26
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee

sassy411 :  Really sorry to hear that things are “gawd awful”. It must be like walking on eggshells. Hope the new therapist is beneficial. 

Post # 28
Member
542 posts
Busy bee

kiram :  

I agree. There are far more offensive comments than simply being told to smile or accept a hug. 

It’s just not that serious. 

There are women in this world who are being stoned to death for not wearing a hijab. There are little girls in Africa who are having their clitorises cut off. Here in the North America, we have the luxury of crying about being told to smile, being told that we need a hug, or analyzing Christmas carols in order to find reasons to be offended.

I’m saying this because perspective can be eye opening.  SJW Bees can swarm me if they wish. My opinion will not change just because it’s unpopular. Their overreactions will just illustrate their privilege. 

Post # 29
Member
1134 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

Offer them a high five… in the face.

(that’s for the “you need to smile” folks)

For the “you need a hug” crew I would say “yeah, but Jason Momoa is not here!”

Post # 30
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee

sassy411 :  Just want to say that I completely know that exchange you described over the bird food!  I sometimes will just articulate an observation.  Maybe it’s an invitation for a mundane discussion about, in your case, how much food the birds can go through -like “who knew? Isn’t that surprising?” or sometimes it’s just me thinking out loud.  If I want him to go fill the feeder, I will say “hey – will you please go fill the feeder?”  If something matters or if I want action, direct communication is in order.  Because it works and is made of clarity and he (as do I) deserve concise & direct communication.  He can then object to filling the feeder if he wants for whatever his reasons might be.  And sometimes he’s right.

Even still, my husband will occasionally have a similar reaction to the one you described from your husband.  In my case I  do think it’s partly because I did not know how to be direct when we first got together.  I was passive aggressive or just not directly clear.  When he reacts this way now it is at least partially a carry over from those earlier times.  Thankfully, I can remind him that I say what I mean and he hears it.  If I wanted him to fill the feeder then that’s what I would have said, exactly that.  Every little observation I make out loud is not some secret code for him failing to do something or prodding him to do something.  And that reminder works.  “Oh, okay, I misunderstood” is what follows his initial defense response.  We’ve made a ton of progress in this regard.  The defensive reaction occurs less & less frequently.

So I get it.  I’m not sure where you are in your marriage. But I hope that you can also get to a better understanding, even if it’s after an initial misunderstanding and undue defensive reactions.  Always a work in progress and I hope you do get to progress together on this.  

ETA: fuck eggshells.  Eggshells are an unlivable situation for everyone.  And if your relationship is beyond fixing or one or both of you can’t do the work of fixing then you go do you.  My entire childhood was spent dancing on eggshells and my young adult life was therefore spent being passive or passive aggressive.  There is no peace, happiness or agency in that.  Best of luck to you in whatever you need to do to have those things for yourself.     

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