Post # 1
I follow the articles written by professional coach, speaker and writer Deborah Grayson Riegel and found this one on The High Cost of Judging How Other People Spend their Money hit very close to home, particularly when it comes to wedding planning.
My fiance and I are having a very low-budget wedding (under $10k in New York City), and all too often we find ourselves judging the much higher budgets of weddings we attend. Though not specifically addressing weddings, this article gives a great perspective on why it’s so easy to fall into this habit in our daily lives. My favorite quote is:
Stopping the instinct to judge how people spend their money is a hard habit to break because we can’t go cold turkey. Why? Because every time we contemplate a purchase…we go into judgment mode. Is this worth it? Why or why not? What would make it worth it?…And on and on and on. Our judgment muscles are constantly being exercised, so they’re strong and ready to react whenever we think, hear or see “money”. What I need to do is recognize the distinction between using those muscles for myself, when and where they’re needed, and having them go into automatic, fast-twitch mode when I hear about someone’s new handbag, upcoming vacation, or charity choices.
Have any of you found yourselves doing the same? If you like Deb’s article, I encourage you to follow her. She posts something about once a week and I’ve found that her articles are always super insightful and timely!
Post # 3
I try not to judge how much others’ budgets are or what they do with their budgets because we all don’t have the same financial situations. However, I get very impressed with brides that have great negotiating skills and find their wedding items on a budget, make profit from their weddings (by selling things afterward) or even make things for their wedding themselves. The word “wedding” automatically marks up the cost of simple wedding items by an exorbant amount and while I am for others making great profits… I don’t want it done at my expense.
Post # 4
It’s not that I’m judging the bride and groom personally, per se. It’s like, if I see a woman wearing a HUGE diamond, I generally just assume it was in their budget, so it was the style they chose. Yeah, if I had an unlimited budget my wedding would get a looooot more over the top. But an unlimited budget would be the result of a higher income, so it would still be proportionate to what I am spending now. Ie. (taking the silly 3 months salary should be the cost of an engagement ring into account. Assuming I believed that, which I don’t- my ring would be a LOT more expensive than it was. But ultimately the percentage of my spouse’s income allocated to the ring would be proportionate whether or not I made millions, or 30k/annum.
I will judge when a couple puts themself into tons of debt for their wedding. It’s just financially irresponsible. But if they have the cash to spare, more power to them!
Post # 5
I don’t find myself judging what other people spend on their weddings as much as I judge what other people expect their family and friends to spend on their weddings. I think it’s pretty ludicrous when people either:
1. complain about how much or how little their families are spending on their wedding (I think it is reasonable to be upset if a parent SAYS they’re giving you $X to help out with the wedding and then don’t come through, but the whole “wahh, my in-laws are loaded and they only gave us $50k toward my wedding” is not cool), or
2. expect their bridal party to shell out thousands of $$ on wedding stuff. Most bridal party participants that I know are in their early to mid-20’s and just barely getting on their feet in the job market. I don’t think it’s fair to make them spend $3000 on your blowout bachelor/ette party, then $400 on an outfit, then hundreds on a bridal shower and gift, and then make them get a plane ticket and hotel room for your destination wedding, etc.
Post # 6
I am guilty of judging those who have big-budget weddings, expensive cars, the latest gadgets, designer clothes etc etc etc when they cry poverty.
However, those who HAVE the money and choose to enjoy it, I can’t help but think, bloody well done you!
Post # 7
I have done this like with one of my friends she spend outragous amount on her daughters clothes when she was a baby up until now. I thought it was crazy to buy a pair of uggs for a 3 year old, but then I had to realize is not my money…..lol. To each it’s own.
Post # 8
Our entire wedding, Honeymoon included, will cost about $6500 – that’s for everyone’s tuxes, my dress, etc. Got my dress for $40 on ebay.
The only time I feel judgmental about how much others pay for their wedding is…when they want to brag to everyone how much they spent, but I know for a fact it wasn’t in their budget and their parents/other relatives/friends footed the bill. My FSIL is like that (we have a lower cost of living here, so $20k for a wedding can get much, much more than it might at other places).
And because she had a big, pricy wedding, FMIL put a lot of pressure on me to do things the same way. She and FSIL kept pressuring me to have a wedding shower, and I kept telling them no. It worked out that FSIL is pregnant – FMIL was too busy preparing for the new grandbaby and throwing a baby shower to care. I think FMIL still carries some serious guilt because she put so much money into her daughter’s wedding and hasn’t into ours (she wants to put in $800. I am very, very strongly opposed. I never wanted any other hands in our wedding, but the in-laws are VERY stubborn and want to get their way).
So the money pressures can go both ways, oddly enough – I never imagined I’d have someone essentially pressuring me to spend more money or do more (I know FMIL would not be footing the entire cost for a wedding shower for me; it was strongly hinted in her words).
Post # 9
- Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings
I get judgmental when I hear about people who go onto debt to have a certain type of wedding. Going into debt so you can keep up appearances seems both irresponsible and also shows that they dont really have their heads or hearts in the right place. Marriage is about joining the lives of 2 people and sharing the joy from that with loved ones, not showing off what you make (or pretend to make). So I guess Im judging their values more than anything.
Post # 10
I’ve been judged by how much I am spending on my wedding.
Yes, I may have spent $5K on my dress, but it was the dress I fell in love with, and at the end of the day, I can afford it. Was it the best use of $5,000? Probably not. But I love it and it makes me happy and I am not going into debt.
I don’t judge people based on how much or how little they spend on their weddings, and it is really hurtful when people tell me I’m *wasting* my money on mine.
Post # 11
@anlyka: I just can’t comprehend how someone could spend more then $15k on a one day event. If i had an unlimited budget I wouldn’t spend more then that, it just seems silly to me.
Post # 12
@drummerbride: $15,000 means different things to different people. People have different priorities. Not really anyone’s place to judge.
Post # 13
@Natalieh86: Agreed! My budget is currently at $20000. I’ve tried to cut costs as much as possible (eg I’ve had my wedding dress made in china; having a friend make my wedding cake, trying to find things second hand etc) but I’m splurging on the food and entertainment because I want my guests to enjoy themselves and enjoy the food. If my guests are happy then I’m happy. That’s my priority anyway.
Post # 14
@babecake: I had similar thoughts. I wanted everyone to have a great time. I am more of an “experience” spender than a “stuff” spender. Other people are the opposite. To each their own!
Post # 15
I know a girl whose DH spent $85k on her ering. That’s $85,000 USD. I know that for a fact (won’t say how, but it wasn’t through them – they tried to say it was over $100k though). It’s a total 5ct with a 3 or 3.5 center stone (I forget the specifics now) from Tiffany’s.
Did I judge her? A little bit. For that amount, you can put a down payment on a really gorgeous house. Or donate to charity. But then I stopped.. they both work super long hours and very hard for their money. Why shouldn’t they spend it on what they want? If they can afford it, why not?
Would I, personally, ever ask my FI to spend that much? No, but if we had a spare $20k, I probably wouldn’t bat an eye at FI spending that much. And that’s still a shiz ton of money, especially for a lot of other people (I mean, it is for us right now lol).
I do have to constantly remind myself – people work for their money, they should spend it how they want. Even if I wouldn’t do that or if I don’t agree.
Post # 16
We had an expensive wedding that we paid for and it was worth every penny. We certainly didn’t go into debt and we planned ahead for the expense. That being said I know that there are those out there that think it was a waste of our money. That’s just it though it is our money. I am not allowed to judge those with smaller budgets….that would make me a snob…so why are people allowed to comment on how we spend?
The most obnoxious judgments come with comments tied on. Comments such as “they must have gone into debt” “they should have bought a house” “her ring must be quantity over quality/its gaudy/big honking thing” really peeve me. You are entitled to think what you want but thinking and spreading your judgment are two entities. There is no reason to try and insult someone because you disagree with my financial actions.