Post # 46
rosiecfromdc: I’m not saying this to upset you or justify him saying it, but it is true. You’ve said several times that marriage is a dealbreaker for you. So, in fact, being married is more important to you than being with him. But that’s okay. We all have dealbreakers, and marriage just happens to be one of yours. It doesn’t mean that you love him any less, it just means that marriage is very important to you.On the reverse side, if he were absolutely refusing to get married, ever, he would be saying that not being married is more important to him than being with you. Again, that’s not necessarily wrong, some people completely don’t believe in marriage and that’s their right. Luckily, it doesn’t sound like that’s the case with him, just putting it in a different perspective.
Overall, I think it’s insensitive of you boyfriend to say that, as it obviously upsets you. He’s obviously upset about the whole situation and is lashing out. I would address it as related to how it makes you feel, not as related to how true/untrue it is. Something like “Yes, marriage is very important to me, but it’s very hurtful when you say something like that as it makes it seem as if I don’t care for you, which you know I do.”
Post # 47
ali0118: He will be 26 in a couple months. It’s still pretty young, we weren’t actually planning on getting married until 2019 so it’s not like it’s right around the corner. His timeline is that – he wants to get married eventually, 2019 being the date he prefers since it’s our 10 year anniversary. His parents got married late in life – both were almost 40, so a part of me wonders if that’s part of it. He’s said that he doesn’t want kids or a house either unless we were married, so I know that he is on the same page as me in that regard.
Post # 48
JenGirl: You’re right, I guess when it comes down to it it is true. I think I’m just having difficulty expressing what it is I’m feeling to him.
Post # 49
I don’t know about you, but I have dreams for my life and those include marriage. My perfect partner is someone who supports my dreams, including marriage. If he’s not into marriage, he’s not the guy I want to be with. If the guy needs time, that’s fine, but that’s a dream and goal of mine and if he doesn’t respect that then I’m not into him.
IMO he’s setting up a false dichotomy. There isn’t any competition between marriage and him unless he decides he does not want to get married. For you, wanting marriage IS wanting him. Of all the people in the world, you have chosen him to want to marry. In your eyes, desiring marriage to a man is probably the highest honor you could bestow on him, the utmost in love and respect.
You are allowed to have dreams and goals in your life, girl. He either needs to accept marriage as a goal of yours or he needs to tell you he can’t do it. You can negotiate timing and even how much you talk about it around him, but this one is up to him. You can tell him you want him but you are also allowed to have your own goals. If he can’t fit into your life vision, and you into his, it isn’t meant to be. It’s not a matter of choosing one over the other. It’s being realistic about what you want in your life and what you need to be happy and fulfilled.
Post # 50
If he wants kids – why wait until you are 40!! Health risks – especially since you have already stated that you are both diabetics – increase the closer to 40 you get.
Post # 51
rosiecfromdc: First, think about it? Is it true? If it is, change your heart or find someone you want to be with more than you want a wedding.
If it’s not true, and you’re like me, and have been dreaming about getting married forever… then explain that. You’re a woman, and you want to get married and organize that dream day that will sybolize your love and commitment to one another. We can’t help it, weddings get us excited and when we are getting left behind from all our friends it can be hard on our hearts. Just try to explain that.
Post # 52
rosiecfromdc: And that’s the thing to do – focus on how you feel about him and your relationship. Don’t deny that marriage is important to you, but make sure he knows that he’s important too. It’s a hard line to walk, at times, but all you can do is be honest and supportive and loving.
Post # 53
Does Boyfriend or Best Friend have a stable career? How would you be supporting yourselves as a married couple? I would keep in mind that marriage during medical school is historically challenging, with a high divorce rate even for couples who were fully committed at the start, let alone those who were ambivalent. And not to be a Debbie Downer but marrying before or during that time period could mean he is entitled to half your degree and earnings, even if the marriage did not succeed. Another thing is that he’s been dating you since the age of 20. If he’s expressed doubts about ever getting married, or there have been mixed messages, I would absolutely discourage him from moving at this time. He needs to be sure.
I understand that decisions need to be made, but despite all your years together, I really think I’d be the one hesitating. Why don’t you at least wait to see where you will end up?
Post # 54
weddingmaven: Those are definitely things to consider. He is finished with school and has a very good job in a good field. As it stands, the “date” we’ve agreed upon to get married would be at the end of my 4th yr of med school, or after graduating. I’ve never wanted to get married before or right in the middle of medical school since the statistics are not good! At the moment we’re figuring out our timeline for getting engaged. He always said he wants to get married, eventually. Eventually is his favorite word – though he told me today he thinks the proposal will come sometime this year. I guess my fear is that our “set date” of 2019 or 2020 is stil far enough away for him to not see it as real, and when the time comes the ‘eventuallys’ will start up again.
BUT if we do make it through med school as a couple, it IS still far away, your advice to wait and see what happens is really good. We’ve agreed to do just that at this point – see what happens. He says that he does plan on proposing at some point – so I just have to wait.
Post # 55
I’m so sick of this idea that “if you really love someone, you’ll be willing to stay with them forever without getting married”. That’s ridiculous.
Why should she have to be willing to stay in a non-married relationship forever to prove that she’s really 100%-forever committed to the relationship, when he is not willing to demonstrate the 100%-forever commitment to her.
And before anyone says that it’s possible to be 100%-forever committed without being married – of course it is. However, when someone refuses to get married, or says that they are not ready to get married, that means that they either do not want to make that commitment ever, or that they are not ready yet to make that commitment. If they were willing and ready to actually make that 100%-forever commitment, then what possible reason would there be to avoid getting married?
Asking women to stay with men forever (lest they show that they are less than 100%-forever committed), even when those men demonstrate (by refusal) that they are less than 100%-forever committed, is essentially telling a woman that she should marry herself to the man, even though he has not/will not marry himself to her.
That power imbalance is shockingly unhealthy.
Post # 56
I think it’s funny that he says “You want marriage, more than you want to be with me”. What does he think marriage is? I’m pretty sure that marriage means you WANT to be with him forever. If he had said you want a ring or wedding more than you want to be with him, then that would make sense as an argument- even though I don’t see that as ringing true in any of your posts.