(Closed) You want to marry…So aren't you engaged?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 62
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2015

My SO asked me to marry him months ago.  We had decided we were going to months ago.  He asked me without a ring so that “I could choose the one I wanted”.  Then life got in the way.  Other things were more important than picking a ring.  Finding out I was “engaged without a ring” and “the surprise” seems to really drive some people nuts (especially my family!).  In fact, when I finally picked up my ring about two weeks ago people were like “oh NOW you’re engaged.”… the ring didn’t decide that.  I don’t get it.

Post # 63
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@kivesbee:  i totally get where you are coming from, but i guess the reason why people take the “ring” so seriously is b/c talk is cheap and it’s kinda like saying ” were going to have a baby in 9 months” without actually being preganant yet. Because anything can happen between now and  9 months. So people are really not going to take you seriously and might actually think you are just bluffing. Me and my Fiance talked about getting married for over a year before he were offically engaged,I just didnt tell anyone b/c I hadnt gotten my ring yet. So, if you think about it, your already engaged. But the ring is what people are going to look for to make it offical bc it symbolizes more than what you think. It’s more meaningful and traditional to most families. 

Post # 64
Member
4522 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@CharleighT:  It’s been *exactly* how you’re thinking it might be ๐Ÿ™‚ People are pretty awful sometimes.

Post # 65
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

SO and I are technically engaged (decided to get married, booked a venue, etc) but aren’t wearing a ring and making a public announcement until I meet his family over the holidays. That is really important to him, having me meet his parents first before he tells them we’re getting married. I respect that.

He also wants to propose with the ring this Christmas. Which I’m also on board with. Who am I to say that’s silly that he wants that? Of course he knows what the answer will be – heck, he just picked up my bridal headpiece from the post office today, but its something he also wants, and that’s cool by me.

We know we’re engaged, but we haven’t made a public declaration of it yet. Well some people know… my parents… the pastor… etc.

I can’t lie, planning a wedding without anyone bothering you is 100% the greatest thing that has ever happened to us. By the time we go public, we’ll already have made all the big decisions.

Post # 66
Member
1594 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

here’s my reason:

“engagement” or “being engaged” holds a stigmatism that make people feel like they should inform you of all their thoughts, feelings, dreams, worries, etc. about your relationship – whether you’re too young, too old, too immature, too far away, too busy, possibly pregnant, etc. it’s much much more “official” in people’s eyes to be engaged rather than dating and wanting to get married one day

when you’re just dating and planning on getting married, people smile and say ‘you guys are so cute together’ or something equally sweet. no one fees the need to judge you since it’s not really “official” in their eyes.  

in 100% honestly, I did not like telling people we were engaged at all.  I refered to him as my bf still and I used ‘fiance’ in a conversation maybe twice (we were engaged for 10 weeks).  The 2 times I used ‘finace’, strangers felt the need to tell me how terrible their divorce was and warn me of the “dangers” or give me one of those pity smiles like ‘oh dear, another stupid young thing”

 

Post # 67
Member
4522 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@CaroBee:  Exactly our philosophy as well ๐Ÿ™‚ I have caught so much crap (mainly online) about ‘planning a wedding when YOU’RE NOT ENGAGED.’ I mentioned it to BF (who has my ring, BTW) and he kind of chuckled and said “jokes on them: we’re getting all the hard stuff figured out now, our engagement will be a breeze” ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 68
Member
495 posts
Helper bee

We just “decided to get married” and that was that, we told close family and people involved in our wedding only about 2 weeks later at  Christmas. One person said, “Can I see the ring?” but didn’t act put out when we said we were getting one made later. 

Eventually, we set the date that worked best, and told everyone else. Some time after that, we got the ring. It was great, no one was weird about us not having a “proposal moment” — no one even asked! A small number of people did ask to see the ring once I was wearing it, but it’s really pretty (IMNSHO), so that’s cool.

Post # 69
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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@badabing88:  I’m so sorry. That’s so so crappy. We’ve had such a good experience touring places and I have noticed they always check my ring finger and make a big deal about my ring. People suck. You’re great. That is all ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 70
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

It’s reassuring to read so many other bees had a similar experience to mine! Congrats to everyone!! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 71
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I also agree! Just the fact that I’ve let myself get THIS worked up about the whole engagement process and proposal shows me that people have definitely let it get blown out of proportion because of outside pressure and society’s ever-changing perspectives on the matter. I do think that if you’ve made that commitment and are even planning the wedding, you are engaged. Of course I’ll admit having a ring is exciting, but it’s certainly not the end-all be-all.

All the drama that surrounds this process is extremely overwhelming for me but at the end of the day, I know I did this to myself. There really is no “right” or “wrong” way to be engaged.

Post # 72
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Well if you are actually planning it then you are considered engaged.  my husband and I were together seven years. people would ask us when we were going to get married. well we wanted to get married to each other but didnt know if it was going to happen. i mean for all i know i get hit by a bus. i mean u can say your engaged but i dont really get the long engagments myself. i think if you are engaged, then you will be married in a year.

I mean people have told me they love me, doesnt mean we are atomatically engaged. because, to me thats what it means to love someone. it means you want to spend the rest of your life with them. so when someone says they are in love. im not saying they are engaged already. To me, i felt like actually surprise proposal was a gesture. walking the walk, not just all talk.

Its just like how some people were calling me his wife and we were not married yet. i mean we are going to be but im not yet.

On another note i dont think you need a ring to be engaged. back in the day men used to buy a nice cigar and use the gold paper ring to propose. which i thought was romantic

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