(Closed) “You’ll always be an in-law”

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee

That comment would have hurt and insulted me. Then I would have asked for an explanation from him. In the future, I would have tea or coffee with his mom and bring it up in a nice way that particular phrase to see if there was any validity to it. I would want to know the family I am marrying in to and the kids I may be bringing into it. Would my kids be considered outsiders too and I am just the breeder adding to the family or does my status change when the kids come and I am then considered family? I would love to know that. 

Post # 18
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

Wow, that’s a little messed up. I would’ve been upset that my fiance said that. If his parents said it or siblings then I wouldn’t care as much because that’s their opinion and if they don’t want me to be in their family it doesn’t matter, me and their son will be a family. But for my Fiance to say that I would be devastated. 

Post # 19
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

View original reply
@MissShork: I’m so sorry hun.  I’m with you, that was a rude comment, and honestly if it were me, I would have cried. I guess I’ve never viewed in-laws as “outsiders”.  Maybe that’s because with my family, my mom and dad’s family have become essentially one.  When my dad’s sister got married, it was a really small affair, but she had my mom’s parents come because they had become her parents (my dad’s parents died a while ago.)  In our family, if you’re married to someone, they are defacto family.  I’m sorry hun ((((hugs))))

Post # 20
Member
1545 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

That comment was extremely rude and I would be so super hurt if Fiance told me that. In fact Fiance told me that his family is now mine and my son’s family.They get mad if I do not call them Aunt/Uncle/Cousin. I love them so much that I do. That is my Uncle Bob and my Aunt Sue. I know they aren’t my blood but they are my family. I would def have a talk with him and let him know how you feel. Marriage is about unity and two families will become one. So you aren’t his family because you aren’t blood? No. You will be his family and than you will create your own (with kids, pets, etc).

Post # 21
Member
9024 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I really dont think this was meant to be and offensive or rude comment.. everyone family dynamic is different, ofcourse your Fiance wants you to be close to his family and all that, he probably just have a different idea on how in-laws relate to each other. How much do guys really know about these types of things?

Post # 22
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

That sucks his comment hurt your feelings, but he probably didn’t mean it to hurt you.

Families have all sorts of different dynamics, and just because you feel differently about your closeness to them doesn’t necessarily mean their perception of your relationship with them will change overnight.  I wouldn’t go proding too hard on the topic with his family, because you might find out something you wish you didn’t hear. 

I would just back off, take your husband’s comment as just a comment and don’t put so much weight on it (after all, it is a statement of fact), and just be happy YOU enjoy your relationship with them.  The small idiosyncrasies of his family shouldn’t change the way you feel.

Post # 23
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

wow! what a mean thing to say! i would be very upset too. i’m wondering if it just came out wrong. i don’t get why he would say something like this to you…

Post # 24
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I wonder why your Fiance said that to you? Was he trying to warn you or something? Weird.

I agree with him though. As much as I love my in-law’s, I know I’ll never feel like a member of the family. Don’t get me wrong, they treat me wonderfully and make me feel so welcome. But I know if we ever have a big disagreement (god forbid) they will always take DH’s side because he is blood and I”m not. I don’t take it the wrong way though, because my family is the same way and that’s how I want it.

Post # 25
Member
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’m sure he didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, although I agree it was kind of a jerk thing to say. My husband feels the same way although more about my family than his (they’ll never be HIS family he’ll just be the son-in-law). I think different families just handle this differently. In my dad’s family my mom is just as much a child of my grandma as my dad is at this point. They’ve been married 35 years. Even my cousins that have been married 5-10 years, their spouses are my cousins, not my cousin’s wife/husband/whatever. That side is just very welcoming of everyone. 

My mom’s family on the other hand is not. It’s not that they don’t like my dad, its just that he’s the spouse. They love him but its not the SAME, he’s not theirs, he’s married in. 

 

Post # 26
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

When I read your title, I thought it was a nasty aunt or Future Sister-In-Law that said it, not your own fiance.  That is rude that he came out and said it, especially because even if he knows his family feels that way, you are becoming his own family, and thus he should be pushing for it to be one unit.  Sorry you had to hear that and deal with it, but at least they all like you and accept you, even if only an in-law.

Post # 27
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’d be wondering about the kids dynamic, too.

Does that mean the kids are family because they are related by blood, but you’re still the “in-law”?  that’s gonna be obvious to any kid you have when they get old enough to SEE it (if you get my meaning).

 

As for my FI’s family…. I get along with the majority of his family (sisters and brother and his dad) but I’ve got issues with his mom.  

My family… my mom teeters on “he’s good for you, he’s horrible for you”, my dad likes him (cause my Fiance takes care of me) and my brother… I THINK likes him???  

My nephews treat him as their favorite relative (other than me, lol).  So to the kids, he’s DEFINITELY family! LOL!

Post # 29
Member
1210 posts
Bumble bee

That was by FAR the douchiest comment ive heard all day! How could that NOT make you feel bad? Especially when your family opens your arms to everyone. God I would be so hurt. *HUGS* I also vote for you to sit him down and tell him how uncomfortable you will be now that you know you will always be looked upon as an outsider. By The Way. I’m adopted so that whole blood being thicker thing is bullsh*t.

Post # 31
Member
5109 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Ya I would just tell him bc that was a really hurtful thing to say.. I mean Fiance and I arent even married yet, and I still feel like part of the family and they make sure of that. I dont know why he would say that. People get closer over time but Idk Im at a loss for words try to tell him how it made you feel. 

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