(Closed) “You’ll Grow Out of It” – a rant on condescending marriage advice

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
487 posts
Helper bee

I agree.  I see so many couples around me who are miserable and those seem to be the only ones to say that “we’ll grow out of it”.  The happy ones don’t seem to.  Misery loves company I guess.

Post # 4
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I haven’t heard this advice from any of the couples in my family; but I’ve heard people say it before.  I agree that it is most likely the unhappy couples who give this advice.  Fiance and I have been together for 11 years, and although we sometimes forget to be kind, we are still very much in love and show that everyday with love notes, hugs, kisses, giving compliments, helping one another… You can’t grow out of love, in my opinion…not if it is true.

Post # 5
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree! I also hate when people say things like . . . Ha! Wait till after the wedding. No more sex. Maybe a couple times a month.

 

I’m sorry, but no. We will not be like that. We love being intimate and that’s not going to change. We may go through ups and downs, but honestly, I kinda doubt it.

Post # 6
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@bunnyfoofoo: hehehehe, if that’s the case, then we should’ve stopped acting like teens YEARS ago!  LOL! 

The “honeymoon” phase “ends” with your first fight after you’re married (or so the saying goes). 

As for the rest? bah, they’re just jealous that you two are still sweet, lovey-dovey, and enjoying each other more than they are or did. 😉  I’d say couples who keep how they were before the marriage after they’re married have a far better chance of beating the odds (in reference to divorce rates) than those who change after the papers are signed.

To be honest, I’m still trying to figure out why signing a legal document and have a ceremony changes how a couple acts towards each other.  I’m kinda baffled by that…

Post # 7
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Heh, my parents haven’t outgrown it and they are heading it their 40th anniversary next year.  That’s a LOT to live up to!  (Alright, we tease them for stealing kisses and holding hands during movies, but I would never want them to stop.)

Post # 8
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@kay01: that’s so cute!!!!  and I’d totally tease my parents too, if they were like that.

unfortunately, anytime my parents go all lovey-dovey I always give them a really weird look and want to freak out! LOL!  they are NOT the touchy-feely types! LOL!  My Fiance, are the exact opposite!

Post # 9
Member
3774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

Well, my husband and I have been married for almost seven years and together for ten and we still hear that.  We are absolutely best friends and we can’t get enough of each other.  Some people just like justifying their own life at others’ expense.

Post # 10
Member
4014 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

“Unicorns and Glitter!!” Sorry. I had to.

I agree, Sometimes I think people are just trying to justify that they are no longer being nice to each other, so they say stupid, hurtful things like that.

Post # 11
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

all of this is just people who want to make themselves feel better about how crappy they are treating each other, if they make people think its normal to be that way they feel better.I wonder how many of these marriages are on their way to falling apart. there is nothing wrong with being nice I get that your going to fight and get on each others nerves sometimes but being rude just for the sake of it no thats not good for any marriage. I often get up to get things for my SO and he does the same for me and we always say thank you, we split chores both ways. I dont see that ever changing, I enjoy being nice and doing things for him it makes me feel good if everyone treated their husband/wife with more respect alot of marriages that break up might last longer

Post # 12
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee

Marriage isn’t about being sexless, miserable, and hateful. Relationships aren’t either. Really all the honeymoon “phase” is about is being kind, loving and appreciative of your partner. If you can no longer love, appreciate, and be kind towards your partner, you don’t need to be with them anymore and you don’t need to take it upon yourself to discourage others from being happy. My parents have been married for 26 years and are still in their honeymoon phase.

Long live happy marriages and down with the negative nancys. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
3011 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

This is relating to sex after marriage:

J came home one day and told me that a bunch of guys at work were talking about “happy endings” at a massage place.  J pretty much acknowledged the fact that he gets his fix at home and is damn well pleasd.  One of the guys looked at him and laughed.  Told him to wait until he gets married.  He’ll be visiting the same place.  

This was way before we got engaged, but comments such as that tick me off.  He’s heard it a few other times before our engagement as well.  J never really listens though thank god.

Post # 14
Member
7770 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Unhappy people always want to rain on another’s parade.  I do think marriage can be hard, but that is why we are commited to working on it, not ever letting it get to the point of sexlessness, resentment, and rudeness.

Post # 15
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Well I’ve been married a few years, and I will say that the honeymoon phase of newlywed bliss did wear off for us. We got pregnant quickly, and that took a toll on us. We were exhausted, I went through a horrific year of post partum depression, and our sex life took a major backseat. We have fights, we get grumpy with each other, and sometimes we don’t appreciate each other.

When we got married, we said “That will never be us” but at one point it was. It can be stressful, especially when he got laid off and we had a baby on the way.We went from “Oh honey, you’re my soulmate” to “Why can’t you ever turn a damn light off?!”

But I will say, I have come to know the meaning of “For better or worse” and we have seen a lot of great times too. But it’s not all sunshine and lollipops for everyone. It doesn’t mean you hate each other, maybe it means you weren’t expecting it to be so tough sometimes! But we weathered the storm and are so much stronger than we were as newlyweds. So yeah, sometimes when I see couples drenched in smug bliss I kind of think “Just you wait!” It’s not as lovey dovey as it was the first couple of years, but we’ve reached a better place. A place of true partnership and understanding and even more passion, because we’ve overcome a lot together. I think the tough times give marriage character!

ETA: I also don’t think PDA should be a factor, I love my husband like no other, but I don’t even like holding his hand in public. It’s never felt natural to show affection in front of other people, it’s just not “us.”

Post # 16
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

We got some really good advice at our pre-marriage counseling. It wasn’t as condescending as “you’ll grow out of your honeymoon stage and that’s when the REAL stuff happens”, but it was very honest and real about how there are phases in all relationships. They called them “love, disillusionment, misery, and reawakening”. So the people who are being negative sound like people who never moved out of their misery phase!

I like this description because it allows for a winding down of the lovey-dovey phase – which can’t last forever, that would just be exhausting! But it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to misery forever, either. It was a really honest look at healthy relationships.

But I definitely agree with you and think that people who are somewhat proud of how miserable they are are really annoying!

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