(Closed) “You’ll Grow Out of It” – a rant on condescending marriage advice

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I get this all the time because we’re still dating. My boyfriend and I are very physically affectionate and people tell us in public all the time that we’ll “grow out of it” but we’ve been together for two years and we’ve never stopped! I hate it.

Post # 18
Member
5385 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I agree with PPs. Hubby and I have been together for almost 8 years and people tell us that too.

ETA: My parents are still lovey dovey even though they are taking care of parents and dealing with illness. So it is possible.

Post # 19
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I hate getting marital advice from friends/family who have been together for a MUCH shorter time than Fiance and I have been together. My cousins are particularly bad for this…they’ve been married for 6mos & a year and only with their SO’s for 2 years…Fiance and I 10 years. We never got married because it just wasn’t important to us (still isn’t, but ya gotta please family).

 

Post # 20
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

We’ve only been married for a few months, but things do take a toll on us much harder now.

Once the wedding was over, we didn’t have the common goal to work towards, which makes it very hard. The wedding was something that always pulled us together, and we could always work with it. Now, we’re at a temporary stage in life as DH is working in a graduate degree in a city we don’t want to stay in, so there’s no “common goal” of a house or kids. It’s much harder without that goal – we’ve gotten bickery with each other, and there’s nothing to take our minds off it.

We’re working through it slowly, but it really is hard to get through. We have sex much less, and we fight a lot more – it was literally over night with the wedding. We never thought it would happen to us, because we dated for 6 years! But alas. Foot, meet mouth.  

Post # 21
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

The hubs and I have been dating for 8 years and married for 2 weeks. I still get butterflies when he kisses me and we absolutely adore each other. I actually don’t think we know any married couples who aren’t crazy about each other.

Post # 22
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree.  I hate the “you’ll grow out of it” phrase with a passion.  DH and I have been together over 3 years and married since September.  If anything, I think we are even more lovey dovey and intimate now. 

Miserable people are always trying to bring others down.  DH has a friend who has been married for over 12 years and him and his wife are both miserable.  They’ll say something like “so glad you two are so happy” and then tell us how it doesn’t last and we will be miserable once we start having kids and living in “the real world”.  I just want to scream at them, just because they are miserable and they wish they didn’t have kids doesn’t mean that we will feel the same.  DH and I can’t wait until we are at the point when we can have kids.  And if their “real world” is that miserable, I don’t want to be a part of it. 

Post # 23
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think having kids really can change a couple.  I’ve noticed this is a common theme with people who say this type of thing.  I’m not saying everyone who has children has a miserable marriage, but it definitely changes things.  Your priorities shift, and I think you have to work a lot harder at your marriage.

Post # 24
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I understand that after a while (and this is every relationship, not just marriage), you lose the “he’s 100% perfect, lets have sex twice a day and dress up for each other when we’re just going to watch a movie” etc. but losing common courtesy/enjoying each other’s company/stopping being polite just means you’re a cranky old bat or you shouldn’t be married.

Post # 25
Member
7691 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think people are more so saying this in reference to having kids. I think the honeymoon phase exists for years for couples but once a couple has kids things become a lot harder. Like @KatyElle said – you might say “that will never be us” but once you have kids you will probably not have the time or energy for one another that you did in the beginning of your marriage. Our relationship just keeps getting better but I know once we have kids we are going to have to work a lot harder at keeping things normal between the two of us.

Post # 26
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Oh don’t get me started…

Anytime we are watching a show, talking to people, or just generally hear the mention of how “horrible and nagging” wives can be or how “lazy and stupid” husbands can be I turn it off or walk away. There is nothing I can’t stand more than perpetuating these stereotypes. I agree with PPs that the only ppl who say these things must have terrible marriages themselves. I know that things will not always be as they are the first year or so of marriage, but you also are not a kid anymore when you are 50 years old (although that doesn’t mean that you can’t still act like one 🙂 ).

I hope to always keep the same type of relationship that Fiance and I have now. We have been together for years and been through a lot together, but at the end of the day we still know how to play and enjoy each others’ company. I think THAT gives you something to work toward at all times–keeping a happy relationship. So even when the “honeymoon phase” and the wedding are over, you still have something that you are doing to try to keep the relationship happy.

Post # 27
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

I am sure that marriage has rocky points for every couple and that it all won’t be sniffing roses every moment-

however, I also get very annoyed when I hear those kinds of comments from people…

It does depend on their intentions- some people may genuinely want to prepare us for the reality that there will be some tough spots. BUT there are plenty of others that resent other peoples’ happiness and who also have crappy marriages and want to spread their negative energies.

Post # 28
Member
2632 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

It annoys me too!!!  DH opens my car door everytime and has done so from our very first date.  I’m definitely the type that can get my own door and don’t wait for a guy to do it, but I think it’s adorable when DH does it.  With that said, we were visiting his family about a year ago and his brother made the comment to me to enjoy it now because that won’t last forever.  I replied and told him ofcourse it won’t last forever…unless you work to make it happen!  I LOVED cooking for DH when he first moved home.  Now, I would love to make a couple of sandwhiches and call it good when I get home.  However, I know that a good home cooked meal is pretty much gold to my DH, so I continue to cook for him.  And he continues to open my door, rub my feet, clean the kitchen and is soooo patient with me.  Neither one of us always wants to do those nice things for eachother all the time, but we realize that it’s the small things that count, so we continue to do them!

 

Post # 29
Member
2904 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@bunnyfoofoo:I’ve gotten the opposite advice.

“The first year of marriage is the hardest, it’s not all honeymoon like they say–it’s where you really have to figure everything out.”

 

And some unrelated advice I’ve gotten,

“The best years of our marriage were when we were struggling”

This was intended to comfort us and make us not worry about struggling with $ (I still don’t have a good job and he doesn’t make a lot), but it is kind of depressing. So, when we’re successful our marriage will get worse?

Post # 30
Member
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sure you’ve heard the lines from Liar Liar “Beauty is on the inside.” “That’s just something ugly people say.”

While that isn’t true, “You’ll grow out of it” is truly something that unhappily married people say.

Post # 31
Member
4753 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Who is to say “you’ll grow out of it” is negative. Yes, you grow out of a honeymoon phase. That is why it is called a phase. Just because you grow out of that doesn’t mean you grow out of love and start being mean!

Why not think of it as growing out of that phase and growing into another phase? Why’s it have to be bad? Being happy does not mean you live in honeymoon never never land phase forever.

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