Post # 1
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
fellow young brides..
My significant other (half) and I are not yet engaged. We kind of decided to get married in a backwards way. we ultimately want to move south from this winter not so wonderland of MN… and we decided it would be best to get married before we move, even though we were still young and not done with college yet. However, we are true believers in knowing we have found the one. So, I have picked out the ring I want and the engagement is still a suprise for me, but we have our wedding date picked out. We actually confirmed it at the venue this past Wednesday which was coincidentally our one year anniversary. I am waiting to tell our families until we are formally engaged, just because I know people even though they dont want to admit it, often think no ring equals fake engagment…. I am NOT pregnant. I’m just sure. I know I have found my true other half. We want our wedding to be before we move because we want our family and friends to enjoy it with us. I will be just a month shy of 22 and he will be just turned 25. Does anyone have any stories or advice on what you did when you told your parents? I’ve talked to his mom… I know she knows its coming and we get along great. she said she would pick me to be her DIL anyday. i love it :] however my mom has this idea i need to graduate and be stable in a career and such, and although I respect her advice, I disagree. We have always disagree’d on things like this and it’s nothing new. I have not told her our plans fully and I don’t think she really expects it is coming. I will be disappointed if she is rude to us when I tell her. I really hope for once she will just keep her two cents in and be happy for me for one of the biggest days of my life. My dad and his girlfriend get along with him great and he plans on asking my dad for official permission before he proposes, and i am fairly certain my dad will not be disappointed however he will definitely realize his baby girl is growing up! I think part of my mothers trouble comes from the fact she is only 38 and has a 3 and 4 and a half year old… anyways… APPRECIATE ANY ADVICE YOU HAVE ON BREAKING THE NEWS AND HOW THEY REACTED!
Thanks
~soon to be, miss sp to be. (ha ha confused)
Post # 3
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
What’s the rush?
If I was your mother, I wouldn’t be so concerned about your age but the timeline. I don’t see why you need to be married when you haven’t even known each other for a year. Marriage is about so much more than love and “the one” and I think it takes time to get to know each other. Just b/c you won’t be married doesn’t mean you’ll break up. I think it would be much smarter to get married around the two year mark. I also think it’s very important to wait until you graduate college, if you do plan on graduating.
Often times couples go different directions once they graduate and start their careers. Often, they don’t.
If you’re going to stick together through thick and thin, you’re going to do it whether or not you’re married. However, divorce is a much bigger deal than a breakup.
Do you still live with your mother? Does she pay for your college? How much do you still depend on her? I think these are all things you need to ask yourself before you completely ignore her advice. And- it’s good advice.
Post # 4
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
I got engaged to my Fiance 9 months after I met him. We were living away from our families and we were sure we were going to happen and wanted to be seen seriously. We then had a long engagement and We are getting married in September and it will be three and a half years together when we do.
At first his family were great and my mother was a pain. She made the whole engagement thing painful asking stupid questions like how are we gonna get by in life when neither of us has a real job (Im teaching and hes playing basketball???) and shouldnt we go back to school (even though I finished) and all this stuff.
The best thing about a long engagement though is it gives people tie to come around. So I’d stay if she does freak out accept that she needs the time to freak out and all of it is out of concern. Try and get her involved but dont push her but dont halt your plans either She’lll get on board when she realises that no amount of freaking out is going to change anything.
Post # 5
Member
1201 posts
Bumble bee
@gpsp2B: I would have to agree with the 2nd post, what is the rush? I wouldn’t say the age but the timeline. A year isn’t that long to get to know someone especially from starting to date to actual marriage. They do say the “honeymoon” phase of a relationship lasts about a year. I would probably wanted to have known my Fiance for more than a year before we got engaged. We got engaged a couple months short of 2 years of dating and we have been together almost 3 when we get married. There is something to be said about waiting… 🙂 I would agree that your mom might have a point about waiting until you at least graduate college and begin your careers. I think perspectives can change while you are in college, you may not have the same goals in mind when you both graduate. And another consideration is how much your mom still supports you, I would have to say it is better to be more self-sufficient when you get married. But ultimately it is up to the two of you and you have to make the decision for yourselves. And I would also agree that a divorce is a bigger deal than a break-up!
Post # 6
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
First of all, congratulations on finding someone special! And on your one-year anniversary.
I have to agree with previous posters, however, about being in such a hurry. I met my Fiance at your age, while in school (just like you). However, it was really important to me to be able to have a real career before proceeding to get married. Even though I felt 99% certain that Fiance was “the one,” I was happy to keep dating him as we each worked on our own careers and grew.
And guess what? I have NO regrets that we waited. Now, when we get married (over four years later!) we will each be much, much better prepared for our careers. Dating did not take away from our relationship. It made me more confident in marrying Fiance because now I’ve seen how he handles a HUGE variety of situations and I feel like I won’t be negatively surprised once we’re married.
The moral of the story is: it’s okay to be deeply in love with someone and NOT marry them right away. It may actually be more beneficial in the long run if you wait just a little bit until you get engaged. And I believe this is something your mother may have been trying to convey to you.
Post # 7
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
@lovelylight99: +1
@Bubbles42: +1
@gpsp2B: I have to agree with others, why the rush? How long have you been together at this point? A lot of change happens during your early 20’s and rushing into marriage so you can “move south for warmer weather” does not seem like a good idea. Why do you need to be married to move? Couldn’t you move and see where it goes from there?
Honestly, this does not seem like a very well thought out of plan. If you know you two are meant to be together, then you should feel confident to make the move, without being married, and then discuss it in the future once you have had to time establish yourselves after college and starting careers. After college, a lot can change when you two are trying to figure out career paths, personal goals, etc.
I started dating my Fiance at 19. We are gettning married when I am 26. We chose to wait because we knew what was ahead of us and wanted to be stable emotionally and financially before getting married. It was the best decision we could have made.It’s your choice OP, but I have to agree with the two OPs that suggest waiting.
ETA: Are you two self-sufficient? Can you support yourselves, live on your own? If not, then I would definitely suggest waiting. Living on your own and being independent is something you should do BEFORE getting married.
Post # 8
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
I appreciate all of your comments however I’m not asking for another mother or for you to tell me what I’m doing is wrong. I was asking for help from people in my exact position. We are completely independent from our parents. We live together we have for 7 months. My parents do not pay for anything of mine other then health insurance. I’m on my fathers plan because I have liver issues from birth, although I have a full time job and could provide my own insurance, his is way better since he works for a major medical company. My parents do not pay for me to go to school, they do not co-sign loans. I am completely on my own, as is my SO. We are completely supporting ourselves living alone and dont plan to get married until next june at which point we will have been together for 3 years. He will have graduated, and I will be starting my second year of cardio technology. We both have been saving since we started working and have enough saved to be able to put money down on a house if we want too. I’m not questioning our desire to make that commitment. i respect the way you want to do things, but that isn’t what I’m asking. My need for advice isn’t am I doing this too soon. I’m asking for tips from people who had trouble with their parents being happy for them.
Thanks…
Post # 9
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
@gpsp2B: Wait, I am genuinely confused. You said that you found a venue and date that was your 1 year anniversary?!?! Now you are getting married when you have been together for 3 years?? I think you are not communicating the details of your story very well.
Also, you asked for advice, just because you don’t like the advice doesn’t mean you should dismiss all of it. To me, a mature adult can take many perspectives into consideration and not just ignore what they do not want to hear.
ETA: Wait, I think you were trying to say you found your venue on the day of your 1 year anniversary. But that still does not make it 3 years together next June….math does not add up.
Post # 10
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
@gpsp2B: What really stood out to me from your post was that you decided together to get married. I think this is an adult, responsible way of handling it – something you could tell your mother. It shows that you thought about things and weren’t just swept off your feet.
If you’re worried she will be rude, perhaps you can either hint about it first or tell her on your own. Maybe she will surprise you.
Post # 11
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
I’m sorry for confusion.. we BOOKED the venue ON our anniversary meaning the current day was our anniversary and we booked for a future date that will be about 3 years together… sorry.
I asked for advice yes, specific advice. I didn’t ask for advice on was I doing this too fast or etc etc. Your advice didn’t tell me how to help my mom understand and support me… other then by saying wait just to please her. My getting married isn’t about her. I just assume there may be a way to help her understand and support me for the decisions I made.
Post # 12
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee
My fI and I are also 22/26. We are both still in college but have been dating for 6 years. people were generally happy for us but others have been pretty negative (mostly age but also bc we’re still in college). I knew he was the one after the first year, but I knew I wanted both of us to succeed in our chosen majors at college, so we waited to talk about marriage. Honestly, I knew at 1 year he was the one, but if we married then I’m sure we would have ended in a bitter divorce by now. We both changed a little along the way. I think you need to just relax and enjoy your relationship. I was still getting to know my Fiance after 2 years and I really think it made us stronger today. we had almost deal breaking fights as an umarried couple and because and we could walk away, if we wanted, then it didnt make us feel stuck or obligated, we chose to work on it.
if you think you’re ready to get married then All i Have to say is, It shouldn’t matter what others think, and your mom only wants the best for you. If you two really want this marriage to happen and you want to be happy, then do it right and make sure to explain your feelings to your mother and try to respect her view. She loves you, so if she sees you are happy then she will come around.
Post # 13
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
You’re right, OP. You did not ask for people’s opinions on your marriage timeline but about how to deal with a disappointed parent. I think it is good you’ll have a long engagement though.
Although I am quite a bit older than you (28) my Fiance and I moved in together after 6 mos so I understand making a more serious commitment in what others may see as too soon.
I did not have any disappointment from my parents regarding our engagement (I’m pretty sure they were like “It’s about time!” LOL) but I have experienced it as a result of not choosing to have a religous ceremony.
As other bees recommended to me, you need to just focus on your plans. If your mother is disappointed you, unfortunately, cannot control her reaction but you can control your reaction to her reaction. Stay positive. Tell her you love her and want her to be happy about your pending wedding and marriage. Allow her to say her peace one more time and then leave it alone. She loves you and I am sure that once she sees you are serious, she’ll come around. Just don’t let her stress you out with having to listen to her reasons for being against your plans. If she brings it up again after you’ve allowed her one last rant, just politely say “Thank you for your advice but we are going to continue on with our plans” and walk away or change the subject.
I really think that once she sees your are serious that she’ll come around. She loves you and just worries about you.
Post # 14
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
@xoxoseraph thanks for your advice! It’s nice to hear from someone who is in a similar position. Since my SO will have graduated, in automotive, I am not concerned that he will not finish school.. he’s been in the automotive career already… hes just finally going to get an official degree for it. He has always wanted to do this, it has always been his dream. We talk about what we want for our lives all the time… and constantly promise to do everything we can to help eachother succeed. I know to many it doenst0 mean much but i was basically raised an only child ( mom had kids when i was almost 17), with a young mom who wanted to spend time with her friends. I was not independent socially, I needed to be around people to be entertained. I was around adults a lot. My mom and step dad wanted to go out on the lake boating in the summer, and i would spend time with them and their friends because i was too young to stay at home all day alone or whatever. I saw what it was like to be grown up and make your own choices and do what you want, and I have always said I can’t wait to be 18. Everyone says you’re in for a reality check when you “grow up” and you want nothing to do with being a child. Being a child was fun…. I still catch my disney movies ;] … but I love my life. I love providing for myself. Especially because my parents worried they babied me to much and gave me too much. I love being able to go to walmart at 2am to buy some oreos. My boyfriend has always been an only child. He grew up with a single mom who had to work her ass off to give him a good life. His grandparents were his gardians a lot, and they raised him to be a hard worker because they had a farm. He didn’t have chores for some money or allowance, he had , this is life you need to work chores. I agree that we still may go through changes… That might not be until were 40. Am i suppose to wait that long? I don’t see any significant changes in the near future. We have plans and goals… and were gonna be busy accomplishing them :] Thanks for your help!
@brewcityBRIDE2014 Thanks for your kind words! I have hope this might be the one time she understands me and isn’t suprised!
@katiecolorado I’ve been dropping hints. I have told her we talked about marriage and that we want to get married. And i gave her a pretty realistic timing idea too. She might not think I’ll act on it though. we shall see!
Post # 15
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
Oh well then my advice is completely different. I thought you were getting married on your one year anniversary. I also assumed, though I probably shouldn’t have, that you were still living at home and your mother was supporting you.
You’re an adult making an adult decision. I don’t really have any advice because I would just say tell her to deal, but I genuinely wish that she doesn’t give you a hard time.
Post # 16
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
@rdd584 if i was living with my mom i would not be getting married noooo way. i guess unless i had moved back temporarily or something weird circumstance. i guess when i read what i wrote i knew what i was saying so i didnt interpret it that way but i get where the confusion is with thinking im getting married ON our one year…
BOOKED our venue ON OUR ONE YEAR
NOT GETTING MARRIED ON OUR ONE YEAR :]
hope everyone catches that after reading.. lol