(Closed) young brides… experience with disappointed mothers?

posted 5 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

What’s the rush? 

If I was your mother, I wouldn’t be so concerned about your age but the timeline. I don’t see why you need to be married when you haven’t even known each other for a year. Marriage is about so much more than love and “the one” and I think it takes time to get to know each other. Just b/c you won’t be married doesn’t mean you’ll break up. I think it would be much smarter to get married around the two year mark. I also think it’s very important to wait until you graduate college, if you do plan on graduating. 

Often times couples go different directions once they graduate and start their careers. Often, they don’t. 

If you’re going to stick together through thick and thin, you’re going to do it whether or not you’re married. However, divorce is a much bigger deal than a breakup. 

Do you still live with your mother? Does she pay for your college? How much do you still depend on her? I think these are all things you need to ask yourself before you completely ignore her advice. And- it’s good advice. 

Post # 4
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

I got engaged to my Fiance 9 months after I met him. We were living away from our families and we were sure we were going to happen and wanted to be seen seriously. We then had a long engagement and We are getting married in September and it will be three and a half years together when we do. 

At first his family were great and my mother was a pain. She made the whole engagement thing painful asking stupid questions like how are we gonna get by in life when neither of us has a real job (Im teaching and hes playing basketball???) and shouldnt we go back to school (even though I finished) and all this stuff. 

The best thing about a long engagement though is it gives people tie to come around. So I’d stay if she does freak out accept that she needs the time to freak out and all of it is out of concern. Try and get her involved but dont push her but dont halt your plans either She’lll get on board when she realises that no amount of freaking out is going to change anything. 

Post # 5
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@gpsp2B:  I would have to agree with the 2nd post, what is the rush? I wouldn’t say the age but the timeline. A year isn’t that long to get to know someone especially from starting to date to actual marriage. They do say the “honeymoon” phase of a relationship lasts about a year. I would probably wanted to have known my Fiance for more than a year before we got engaged. We got engaged a couple months short of 2 years of dating and we have been together almost 3 when we get married. There is something to be said about waiting… 🙂 I would agree that your mom might have a point about waiting until you at least graduate college and begin your careers. I think perspectives can change while you are in college, you may not have the same goals in mind when you both graduate. And another consideration is how much your mom still supports you, I would have to say it is better to be more self-sufficient when you get married. But ultimately it is up to the two of you and you have to make the decision for yourselves. And I would also agree that a divorce is a bigger deal than a break-up! 

Post # 6
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

First of all, congratulations on finding someone special!  And on your one-year anniversary.

I have to agree with previous posters, however, about being in such a hurry.  I met my Fiance at your age, while in school (just like you).  However, it was really important to me to be able to have a real career before proceeding to get married.  Even though I felt 99% certain that Fiance was “the one,” I was happy to keep dating him as we each worked on our own careers and grew. 

And guess what?  I have NO regrets that we waited.  Now, when we get married (over four years later!) we will each be much, much better prepared for our careers.  Dating did not take away from our relationship.  It made me more confident in marrying Fiance because now I’ve seen how he handles a HUGE variety of situations and I feel like I won’t be negatively surprised once we’re married. 

The moral of the story is: it’s okay to be deeply in love with someone and NOT marry them right away.  It may actually be more beneficial in the long run if you wait just a little bit until you get engaged.  And I believe this is something your mother may have been trying to convey to you.

Post # 7
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@lovelylight99:  +1

@Bubbles42:  +1

 

@gpsp2B:  I have to agree with others, why the rush? How long have you been together at this point? A lot of change happens during your early 20’s and rushing into marriage so you can “move south for warmer weather” does not seem like a good idea. Why do you need to be married to move? Couldn’t you move and see where it goes from there?

Honestly, this does not seem like a very well thought out of plan. If you know you two are meant to be together, then you should feel confident to make the move, without being married, and then discuss it in the future once you have had to time establish yourselves after college and starting careers. After college, a lot can change when you two are trying to figure out career paths, personal goals, etc.

 I started dating my Fiance at 19. We are gettning married when I am 26. We chose to wait because we knew what was ahead of us and wanted to be stable emotionally and financially before getting married. It was the best decision we could have made.It’s your choice OP, but I have to agree with the two OPs that suggest waiting.

ETA: Are you two self-sufficient? Can you support yourselves, live on your own? If not, then I would definitely suggest waiting. Living on your own and being independent is something you should do BEFORE getting married.

Post # 9
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@gpsp2B:  Wait, I am genuinely confused. You said that you found a venue and date that was your 1 year anniversary?!?! Now you are getting married when you have been together for 3 years?? I think you are not communicating the details of your story very well.

Also, you asked for advice, just because you don’t like the advice doesn’t mean you should dismiss all of it. To me, a mature adult can take many perspectives into consideration and not just ignore what they do not want to hear.

ETA: Wait, I think you were trying to say you found your venue on the day of your 1 year anniversary. But that still does not make it 3 years together next June….math does not add up.

Post # 10
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@gpsp2B:  What really stood out to me from your post was that you decided together to get married.  I think this is an adult, responsible way of handling it – something you could tell your mother.  It shows that you thought about things and weren’t just swept off your feet.

If you’re worried she will be rude, perhaps you can either hint about it first or tell her on your own.  Maybe she will surprise you.

Post # 12
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee

My fI  and I are also 22/26. We are both still in college but have been dating for 6 years.  people were generally happy for us but others have been pretty negative (mostly age but also bc we’re still in college). I knew he was the one after the first year, but I knew I wanted both of us to succeed in our chosen majors at college, so we waited to talk about marriage. Honestly, I knew at 1 year he was the one, but if we married then I’m sure we would have ended in a bitter divorce by now. We both changed a little along the way. I think you need to just relax and enjoy your relationship. I was still getting to know my Fiance after 2 years and I really think it made us stronger today. we had almost deal breaking fights as an umarried couple and because and we could walk away, if we wanted, then it didnt make us feel stuck or obligated, we chose to work on it.

if you think you’re ready to get married then All i Have to say is, It shouldn’t matter what others think, and your mom only wants the best for you. If you two really want this marriage to happen and you want to be happy, then do it right and make sure to explain your feelings to your mother and try to respect her view. She loves you, so if she sees you are happy then she will come around. 

Post # 13
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You’re right, OP. You did not ask for people’s opinions on your marriage timeline but about how to deal with a disappointed parent. I think it is good you’ll have a long engagement though.

Although I am quite a bit older than you (28) my Fiance and I moved in together after 6 mos so I understand making a more serious commitment in what others may see as too soon.

I did not have any disappointment from my parents regarding our engagement (I’m pretty sure they were like “It’s about time!” LOL) but I have experienced it as a result of not choosing to have a religous ceremony.

As other bees recommended to me, you need to just focus on your plans. If your mother is disappointed you, unfortunately, cannot control her reaction but you can control your reaction to her reaction. Stay positive. Tell her you love her and want her to be happy about your pending wedding and marriage. Allow her to say her peace one more time and then leave it alone. She loves you and I am sure that once she sees you are serious, she’ll come around. Just don’t let her stress you out with having to listen to her reasons for being against your plans. If she brings it up again after you’ve allowed her one last rant, just politely say “Thank you for your advice but we are going to continue on with our plans” and walk away or change the subject.

 

I really think that once she sees your are serious that she’ll come around. She loves you and just worries about you.

Post # 15
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Oh well then my advice is completely different. I thought you were getting married on your one year anniversary. I also assumed, though I probably shouldn’t have, that you were still living at home and your mother was supporting you.

You’re an adult making an adult decision. I don’t really have any advice because I would just say tell her to deal, but I genuinely wish that she doesn’t give you a hard time. 

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