(Closed) young brides… experience with disappointed mothers?

posted 8 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 32
Member
1744 posts
Bumble bee

Hopefully your mother will, given time, come around. 

I think in your OP you allude to the reason that she may not be thrilled.  Doing some math she had you at a very early age.  You’re a little older now than she was she was when she had you, but I suspect that she thinks about her life and some of the difficulties she had related to starting her adult life at an early age.  That certainly means having children and may mean her getting married young.  You don’t say if she and your dad (now divorced) were married when they were young.

Hopefully, if you can understand that her concern comes from a place of love and hoping that you don’t have to face some of the same challenges that she has it’ll be less frustrating for you. 

That being said, if you feel you must try to convince her to see things your way, I’d be ready to explain that you understand where she’s coming from, and that you feel the situations are totally different because….

ETA:  I’d also try very hard not to be defensive with her, that’s hard because you feel strongly that you’re right and your life to live.  But, being defensive usually just hardens the other persons opinion.  I’m not being critical here, I know not becoming defensive is hard and the person I’m most likely to become defensive against is my mother.  That approach usually gets us nowhere closer to understanding each other.    

Post # 33
Member
3274 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I was worried that my mom would think we were too young but she was super excited, however they insisted we both graduate college first and I totally agree. So were getting married a month after my graduation. She said there’s no reason spending your 20s on your own, partying, etc when you could be married and happy together. If she doesn’t support you, then it’s unfortunate but not the end of the world. Hopefully she will realize being married young isn’t a bad thing and will be happy

Post # 34
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2014

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@gpsp2B:  I have a mother who continually asks what the rush is. My Fiance and I have been together for three years but I am still in law school (however, my fiance is two or so years into his career, and stable enough to support us.) Like you, I have my reasons for doing it sooner rather than later. Once I graduate, I will be working 80+ hours a week, will have no time to plan, take a honeymoon, enjoy the process/ being a newlywed, etc. 

My parents still have this idea that I am ‘too young’ (even though they got married around my age and were together less than two years– oh and my mom was pregnant). Moral of the story is regardless of how ready you feel, how rational, logical and unemotional your decision is, I believe its hard for moms to really get behind a wedding this young purely because of age. You’re still her little girl and she might believe you are just too young to make such a life-altering decision. 

I don’t believe it comes from a bad place, just out of worry and love. Like I said, my mom was married at the same age and I know she didn’t think twice about it because she knew in her head and heart that is what she wanted. But here’s the kicker -the reason she doesn’t trust my decision is because she doesn’t know what is in my head and my heart. She can’t think my thoughts or feel what I do. Your mom is in the same boat. All she sees is the relationship from the outside, not any of the internal stuff. What I’ve learned is a lot of things that seem obvious to you and your Fiance aren’t always clear to outsiders. You need to inform her of all the time and thought you have put into this choice. Try to open up as much as possible, the more you tell her, the better she will understand (hopefully). 

My best advice is calmly explain yourself as best as you can. It can quickly turn into a heated discussion but if you keep your head on straight, your mother will be able to see that you, in fact, are a mature young woman who knows what she wants. If you have to, make a list of points you need to make to her before you talk to her. Think clearly, and try your best to be thick-skinned. The worst thing you can do is allow your emotions to get the best of you. Any sort of “Why can’t you just be happy for me!?” dramatic antics will only make her more apprehensive of your ability to act/ think like an adult. An emotional or immature display will only give her more ammunition against you – believe me, I learned the hard way. Your positivity, confidence and rational disposition concerning the engagement/ wedding will show her that you are doing what makes you happy and what you think is right. 

Since I was eventually able to calmly and cooly discuss my decision with her, I think I got my point across. Doesn’t mean my mom was suddenly doing cartwheels, but she respects me for being able to maturely and rationally make a decision like an adult. Getting my mom involved in the wedding planning also helped get her more excited (who doesn’t want to go look at flowers and dresses?!). She still makes comments that hurt sometimes (“I really think you should wait,” “Are you sure this is what you want?”). It’s not perfect but it is way better than it was. 

Just remember, she is your mom. She loves you, she wants you to be happy – today and the rest of your life. Good luck – I know how difficult this process is and I sincerely wish you and your fiance the best. 

Post # 35
Member
3551 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My parents are very supportive of our relationship and engagement (we got engaged right after we turned 23, our birthdays are a week apart). His father supports our relationship, but his mother, grandmother, and sister do not each for their own selfish reasons. My parents knew when we bought the ring and it was being made (there wasn’t a proposal, just a mutual decision) and annouced it to relatives that we were getting engaged before we actually did. I talk to my parents frequently and they know what’s going on in our lives.

Fiance does not talk to his parents nearly as frequently because his mother takes every opportunity to guilt trip him and put him down. His family is a bunch of drama llamas and he doesn’t like dealing with it. He blindsided his mother with the news that he proposed and I said yes. It went pretty terribly. (This was on the phone because we live about 400 miles away from our families). There was extended silence and then she said well you know how I feel about this. (she and her mother have been urging him to break up with me for years because I’m not religious engouh for them) and then she told him to not have children even though my Fiance absolutly adores children; it was pretty bizzare. When we saw her at a Christmas party a few days later his dad and his dad’s side of the family congratulated us and welcomed me to the family and she sulked in a corner and never said congratulations. She still hasn’t said congratulations.

Long story short, my advice, don’t blindside them, it doesn’t go well.

Post # 36
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@gpsp2B:  I happen to agree with you over any of the other posters.  Unfortunately, marriage has become a ‘next step’ in life, but it is not.  It’s a decision to become one with the one you love, to grow together, and to be together forever.

Of course your Mom will be dissapointed, but it isn’t her marriage, nor is it her life.  Obviously, you want to speak the truth in love, but this is something that will be difficult no matter what.

I’m in the same position, but my Mom gives the advice because she waited until she was much older to marry.  There is a generational difference as well.

I’ll be telling her in a letter that I’ve been working on for several weeks; will actually be my first DIY.  

I’m creating a box of things that remind me of us, our favorite movie, a beautiful vintage tissue as an envelope for the letter(in case she cries), photos from our engagement session, and of course the letter.  I plan to take her and my dad to tea, and give them each their own box to open.  That way, it’s special, and meaningful, and respectful, despite my ignoring their advice to wait another 15 years haha!

Post # 37
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@gpsp2B:  Hi! I decided to comment because I am in a similiar situation. I am 21 (22 in August, the month of my wedding), Fiance is 27. I graduate with my BA in May, top of my class. I have accepted a full-time fellowship fter I graduate. Fiance graduated from culinary school 2 years ago and now works as a chef and as well as another government job.

When Fiance initially proposed, I was extremely excited and so was he! We have been together for 4 years. We have talked about marriage plenty of times before the proposal and we were preparing ourselves mentally, emotionally, financially, spirtitually, etc. for the venture to come. When I told my mom, my grandma, my grandfather, etc. EVERYONE thought I was pregnant! NOT! And my mom and grandmother were mean about the situation. Although they genuinely like and care for my Fiance, they wanted us to wait not because of age BUT because they wanted me to continue on this path of success (as if I could not with a husband). Although I initally fought words with words trying my best to explain that this was not some naive decision (my parents know me better than this), I eventually just stopped. I calmly and respectfully let everyone know that I was getting married and I began to listen (really listen) to their comments and what they said. They generally made sense. Although it did not change my mind, it has opened up my eyes to what is ahead for my Fiance and I , because marriage is not easy!

 

I say all of this to say, you and your Fiance should meet with your mom, Both of you should tell her that you are now engaged. Explain (although you really don’t have to, but trust me it will make things a little better) to her your reasoning, understanding of marriage, and the steps you all have taken to show that you are capable and ready for a marriage. 

 

I hope this helps! 

Post # 39
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It’s 4:40am, and I’m at work, so excuse any statements that don’t make sense or if I sound crabby. It’s not you, I promise.

I’m speaking to you as someone who got engaged at 20, well 19 but my birthday was 3 days later. I’m also speaking to you as someone whom is getting married while in school.

 

On the positive – it’s completely doable. My Fiance and I live and pay our way through things ourselves and are successfully working and in school. Marriage won’t change the lifestyle we’ve already established. I know several people who are also married/getting married while in college – some are traditional students in the 19-22 year old range. But, there are also non-traditionals that are just getting around to school or doing a career switch. People make it work.

You probably aren’t going to have an extravagant lifestyle immediately – and that’s okay.

 

Now, if my mother was upset, disappointed, saddened by my engagement I’d have a hard time marrying my Fiance. A lot of times people can sense that something isn’t right – something you may be oblivious to.

I hear of bee’s on here all the time saying that they should have listened to their families/friends/ect telling them to wait or not go through with it. With such obvious negative feelings about your impending nuptials, I would wait. Why not wait that one extra year if you makes your families happy for you? Do you really want to spend one of the most important day in you and your FI’s lives with the fact hanging over you that your families, the people who are most important to you, aren’t happy for you?

The fact is, no one goes into marriage thinking it will fail. However, statistically the odds are stacked against young brides like us. The strain and tension this decision you two make may cost you your relationship with one another.

Married at 21 surrounded by love and support and married at 21 surrounded with disappointment are two very different realities.

Also, this might be my crabbiness talking, but your defensive attitude in your posts don’t really translate to maturity. Love isn’t the only factor into being married. It will not sustain a marriage. Both parties, at minimum, need to be mature going into. Maturity comes at 20 for some, 30 for others. Based on my observation, you may not have reached emotional maturity yet. All caps and defensive strategies don’t really scream maturity to me, and perhaps that’s what your mother sees.

Lastly, I want you to explore some possibilites. You say you aren’t out to pop out children and you made a point that you hold a job. What if you get pregnant? How does that fit into your school plans? Or, what if one, or both, of you lose a job? How will you afford school, living costs, ect? What will you guys do if you can’t find jobs once you move?

You may have a perfect timeline and idea of what life will be for you two, but these scenarios are very real possibilites. Work is hard to come by – especially health care jobs despite the schools advertising otherwise (Cardio Tech, right?). You may have school debt to pay off with no job. We all have a vision of what we want life to be, but it doesn’t happen.

Take what you want out of what I said.

Post # 40
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

You know your mom is going to be disappointed. You’re in college. Youre what, 20? I just don’t see why you wouldn’t wait to get married personally. Maybe get engaged then wait til you’re more established?

I’ve just seen way too many young brides (where I live, 26 is young to get married) get divorced and it makes me sad.

Remember, being someone forever is an awfully long time.

Post # 41
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@gpsp2B:  I know your notasking for advice but as someone in a similar situation i hope you will accept my 2 cents.

To me getting married won’t change much, I made the commitment to my SO when we fell in love and a piece of paper won’t make it more official or make us more commited. 

If I, like you, had the luxury to wait, even just a few years, I’d do so in a flash. Marriage ishard and the day when i celebrate my love to SOI don’t want my family to sit there ashamed and dissapointed. I’d like them to be happy.

2 years or so won’t change how we feel for each other. But it could change the atmosphere in which we make our commitment and that is very important.

Also about the kids. You say you want to be done by 33. Let’s say you get married at 25, have your first at 28, second at 30 and third at 32-33. It can easily be done.

Also i wouldn’t base important decisions like that on when and how many kids you’d want.

Anything could happen. You could have one kid and decide that’s enough, you could have twins making timing totally different, you could decide you actually don’t want any, you could decide you’re more comfortable with having them later.

I wouldn’t sacrifice the way my family feels about my wedding for something as flimsy as that.

Just my 2 cents!

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