(Closed) Young brides, how do you combat icky feelings when you hear about divorce?

posted 9 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 32
Member
1101 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Country Club

I’m only 22, and fiancé will be 25 when we tie the knot.. but I have honestly not heard a single comment about us getting divorced since we’ve been engaged.

Post # 33
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m from the south, so mostly I just hear advice… I’m practically ‘old’ to be getting married here (I’m 23).  I will say what is KILLING me right now is that three of my friends from highschool who got married right out of the gate (18 years old) are getting divorced.  It’s heartbreaking and totally a bummer. 

 

I say just keep your chin up, and remember that just as many people stick it out as fail.  Its all about mindset, we are religious, so for us divorce is not an option, ever.  I just let people know that, and usually they shut up. 

Post # 34
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

people who know us see how perfect we are for each other, and it’s more of a “about time!!” than “you’re too young” haha. but strangers we just met, like the lawyer we had to hire to sort our marriage papers out, would pretty much have a hearty laugh over how we’re “just little kids!”…. ah well, we’ve been together longer than most people have been married, so I’m sure we’ll do just fine. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 35
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I think divorce is a valid concern and it scares me to death! My Fiance and I have talked very openly about divorce and what could tear us apart and what we will need to do to keep us together – however, the reality is, nothing can really prepare us for what lies ahead. I know I am young, and I am also aware of the divorce rates, however Fiance and I have made the decision to forge on. Plus, our relationship has been tested in more ways that most peoples therefore my confidence levels are quite high! 

Post # 36
Member
3201 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Honestly, I don’t let it bother me. People of all ages get divorced whether they got married young or not. Divorce is something that can happen to any married couple. I know that I’m young (22, will be married a month before I turn 24) and that statistics are against me, but I’d like to think I’m more than a statistic. There was another post floating around that discussed statistics for divorced, and women with a college education also had an increased chance of getting divorced, so according to that, no one with a college education should get married. 

Post # 37
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m 21 and getting married in 62 days.

Honestly, I know the level of maturity I possess, and I know the level of maturity my Fiance possesses. I know what our life goals are and I know how we feel about marriage and divorce. I really don’t give a whole lot of thought to how other people feel about our pending marriage. I’m not marrying them.

My parents are very supportive, and his parents are very supportive. That’s all that I care about.

If anybody were rude enough to make any comments about our future together to my face, I’d probably just smile and make a little joke out of it. “Wow, I had no idea you were a psychic! Can you get me next week’s winning lottery numbers, too?” ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 38
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think people have those things to say because they are reflecting back on their own journey. I am only 26 but I can tell you just in the past 3-4 years my life and perspective on life has changed dramatically. All of your 20’s are really about self discovery and identity.

Those people making those comments have been through it and are on the other side. They come from a place where maybe, just maybe, they might know what they are talking about. Granted, they still may not have tact but they do have experiense.

I think it is naieve for any couple to think love will be enough to get them through. Or that they have the x, y, and z required to make it. Let’s face it, relationships are hard and life is very challenging. You can go into your marriage with the best of intent but at the end of the day love isn’t always going to be enough.

 

I applaud those couples out there who are take proactive steps to combatting the possibilities. Getting married young certainly will not guarentee a divorce, but there are valid reasons why it increases the likelihood of it. Unfortunately for many, being able to fully understand and grasp those reasons don’t really happen until you’ve gone through them.

Post # 39
Member
894 posts
Busy bee

I usually say, “Correlation is not causation” and grin cheesily. ๐Ÿ™‚

Sometimes they get it, sometimes they don’t, either way it’s a great way to make a point without spending all day talking about it.

Post # 40
Member
894 posts
Busy bee

@TheLily:  Regardless, it’s a totally inappropriate thing to say. Imagine this —

“Have you heard the news? We’re expecting a baby boy!”

“Oh dear, haven’t you heard the latest statistics on stillborns? X percent of boys born to women like you come out dead!”

I don’t care how experienced they are, it’s just not appropriate to say to someone unless they ask.

Post # 41
Member
5229 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

These comments come no matter your age.

Post # 42
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would smile and say, “Thank you for your concern. There are also many couples that stay happily married, and they are our role models.”

I am 24, and my fiance is 28. I take our relationship very seriously, but I guess I am not too worried about divorce. My parents divorced recently, but they were seriously the poster child my whole life of an unhappy marriage. I remember being about 8 and wishing they would just get a divorce already, and stop complaining about each other. I have few memories of them happy together, and they never did things together. They are a great example of what not to do in a relationship. My Fiance and I communicate about problems. We value each others opinions. We make time for each other. We express our feelings. We enjoy intimacy. We have already gone through so much hard stuff together- financial problems, my parents terrible divorce which turned into this huge legal battle, health issues, deaths in our families- that I figure if we weathered this stuff early on, we are a solid couple.

Post # 43
Member
1174 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I usually just ignored them. Pretending that they never even spoke ๐Ÿ™‚ The only people that ever gave us comments were people that didn’t know us well, so had no idea of our maturity or anything like that. I did get a few comments from people I barely knew about what the rush was while they intently stared at my stomach, obviously thinking I was pregnant. My parents were married at the same age as us, and dated for the same amount of time. They have a very happy marriage. I have some strong views on divorce that my DH shares, so I feel that it would take a lot for us to get to the point of divorce.

And honestly, the statistics that I’ve seen shows that there are a lot of other factors that play into predicting divorce. I know we aren’t a typical couple in their early 20’s (married at 23 & 24). We know a lot of other people our age and a lot of them still live at home with their parents, have dinner cooked for them each night, have their mother’s do their laundry, etc. A lot of them don’t have jobs or have any money saved for their futures. The fact is that I think age stops being a good indicator of maturity after you hit 20. Some people are in college throughout their 20’s, some graduate college young and are in the workforce much earlier. Everyone goes on a different path. You simply cannot tell me that someone who has never paid a bill in their life, never maintained a home, never made a budget, etc but is 25 vs someone who has, and is 22 are at the same maturity level. 

Post # 44
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 1999

Though I am not a young young bride (will be 28 when we get married) I have been seeing him since I was just 17. We met at school and are each others one and only. When we first went away to uni (we’d been with each other 9 months or so) there was this one girl in my halls of residence (who too also had a boyfriend) who said to me ‘it won’t last past Christmas’ which I thought was a weird thing to say as she was in a relationship also. I had lots of comments about wanting to enjoy myself at uni and how my boyf would get in the way. Lots of people thought it weird that I went away to uni and he went to a different one and we were STILL ok. One person actually said to me ‘so…you and _____ …that’s a real thing?! Is it?!’ lol thanks! People, I think,. are maybe just trying to help based on their own experience and what theyve seen from others lives (parents/siblings etc) but ultimately you know yourself. I never wanted to try other men, I never wanted ANY man (or woman for that matter) until I saw him after the school holidays…so, yeah. People told me otherwise (lots!) and well..they’ve been wrong. I don’t know what’ll happen in the future but I KNEW we’d make it past Christmas 2002 and I was right on that…

 

Please don’t let it bother you too much. When I was younger – like 21 (and had been with him for 4 years) and people were at their least understanding it upset me the most. As I got older and the non-engagement became longer and people more confused about our relationship I became less arsed. I knew, he knew, we knew. Stuff the rest of them.

 

PLUS my sis was married at 22, bought her house at 19 and had her child at 23. My grandparents (women) were all married by 21, and my mum and dad were 22 and 23. My grandparents only seperated through death (my gran and granda even got a letter from the queen on their 60th wedding anniversary) and my mum and dad are still happy together. My sis and her husband and child have a great relationship (and she got some STICK as he is 10 years older than her). please don’t let these wallys upset you. You know, he knows, you both know.

Post # 45
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m not engaged yet, but I will be a 20 something bride. I’ve been with SO for 5 years now and we live together. We already get comments (he does more than I do) about being commited so young or when he tells people he plans on marrying me. They are mostly from divorced people though! I think it partly comes from jealousy and because they didn’t end up with the right person, but just because they didn’t end up with the right person, doesn’t mean that I won’t.

I also judge relationships that have ended. A recent friend of mine is separating from her husband and I spent a lot of time talking with SO about why it’s ending and what we could do if we end up in that situation.

Post # 46
Member
4134 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I just don’t listen. For a lot of the people I know, divorce was a choice (not including abusive marriages, etc). It’s not something that just happens by chance, so I have confidence that with work, my relationship will last. Call me naive, but that’s just the way I see it right now

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