(Closed) Young brides – why get married now?

posted 12 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 48
Member
369 posts
Helper bee

I think people should wait. Why rush into something that is a life altering decision? It isn’t like buying a pair of shoes, deciding you don’t like them, and taking them to the store the next day. When feelings are involved, people should hold off until they are emotionally and financiallly ready. I would love to marry my bf (I’m 22 and he’s 26), but I want to graduate college (hopefully next year) and he wants to be okay financially. Until you have been through a hard time with your bf or gf like dealing with serious money, unemploment, and some sort of separation due to a hardship,  which are the most prevalent causes of divorce I don’t think people should get into anything. When you date someone for 6 months, and maybe until one year you’re still in the honeymoon dating phase we’re you find no faults or issue with your partner or the relaationship. It isn’t unitl you go through some hardship that you realize if you can handle a long-term commitment, and then start to think about marriage. I have a sociolgy paper on divorce and its effects on children, and it is heart renching to see the problems that kids have after their parents get a divorce, and to know that a marriage ended due to lack of spending time together and stresses over unemploment/money.

Post # 49
Member
1656 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

One can’t assume that dating couples haven’t been through hardships together before the one-year mark or even the six month mark, though.

Post # 50
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

I’m on board with @moderndaisy and @melissabegins.  I grew so much between 23 and 25 (it was surprising how much I learned about myself during that short time) and it isn’t that I look at young brides and think “They shouldn’t get married because they’re so young” but just hope that you and your FI/husband can grow together.  And a lot do, and a lot don’t…  My FH was married young and divorced at 27 and I know he felt like he and his first wife just didn’t grow the same way.

Post # 51
Member
2304 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@GirlWithARing:

That is were we disagree, which is fine! It may not work for you, but it is for us.

First, our relationship isn’t “oh my god hes so perfect”. we have been living together for the past 3 months, and have gotten over that new rush of feelings thing. We have made many big decisions together about things already. We know where we stand and how we disagree. Our money issues have been discussed and worked out, since we have been living together and looking to buy a home. As for our academic and professional plans, they are done. He has his lifetime fulltime job. I have my academics almost done, while working, and know what I will do the minute I grudaute. We have been raising my son together, know how we are going to raise our kids, and we know how we are going to do the holiday things. We both want to live where we are now for the rest of our lives, but agree that if opportunities arise, we can and will move. We have had to figure that out already because my son spends time with his dad on the holidays too. We know each other very well. We know all about each others pasts, beliefs, feelings. I had known him before we started to officially date, so it wasn’t like he was a stranger. We have been through a lot already, and know that he isn’t perfect.

There is no guarantee that we will last, but that guarantee isn’t there even if you are with someone for 10 years before you get married. We will enjoy each other very much as a married couple. My parents got married after 3 months, and have been together for 30 years. It has been hard, but what marriage isn’t? At least when we are married, we will be forced to work through our problems and differences, and not be able to just easily walk away like you can in a relationship. We have our beliefs and will only marry once. We wouldn’t jump into anything if we weren’t 100% sure. We are already a family, and are ready to make that commitment in front of God and our families.

Post # 52
Member
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

By the time my Fiance and I marry, we’ll have been together over 4 years. I’ll be 24, he’ll be 36. I ABSOLUTELY wish I were a little bit older, but due to our situation (long distance relationship in separate countries) the time is now. Its just too difficult to be apart like we are. We’ve been at it for almost 4 years now.

I don’t regret my decision to get married young… I didn’t come to this decision lightly either. Because we’re a LDR, our relationship has NOT been sunshine & rainbows 24/7. We’ve had to deal with a lot of crap over the last 4 years. Honestly, it wasn’t until he asked me to check out rings that I started thinking marriage & really thought “Do I want to be with him every day for the rest of my life?” Can I deal with his snoring, his filthy habits, his dislike for the general public?? I had to really break it down & take the good and the ugly.

The good won. He’s an incredible man & I want to spend my days with him. I don’t think its fair to say “older brides rush into marriage” and “younger brides should wait”. It depends on the couple, their maturity level, the reasons they want to marry, etc. This is definitely a case by case basis.

Post # 53
Member
833 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Yeah, I have to agree with Kittyachi and some others that some of these posts sound judgmental. I’m a young bride–I’ll be 22 and he’ll turn 23 right after we get married, but I also will have been dating him for 6 years. That said, I think there is a maturity difference that happens for everyone–when I was 19, I knew I wanted to marry him, but I was way too immature. Fast forward two and a half years where I’ve figured out how to budget, what I want to be doing in life and where my goals are taking me, and I am way better prepared for what being married entails.

I think that if someone is past that “immaturity” stage, then they are capable of making their decisions. For example, one day it just clicked that we were both ready and able to commit to each other for the rest of our lives. Yes, I WANTED it at 19, but that didn’t make me ready then. And if i’d only been dating him for six months at that point that it just clicked, that would have been okay, too.

Post # 54
Member
755 posts
Busy bee

Is there any data out there that shows young girls who get engaged after 6 months have a higher divorce rate? If so, please post links to the articles because I’d be interested to read them.

I think people got married at a younger age back in the day. People didn’t wait 3 years to get engaged. And I don’t have the facts in front of me, but I’m pretty sure divorce is on the rise (not in recent years, but as compared to 20 years ago). There are also arranged marriages that work out just fine. I think the key to a happy marriage is both people being committed to making it work. If you can grow together, who cares how old you are or how long you’ve known each other at the time you get married?

Post # 55
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Fiance and I will both be 22 when we get married. We have been dating over 4 years,.. When we first met he was already working and I was in a victory lap of high school for an extra semester. 4 years has taken us through a lot together. We are both ready to move out (since we both live at home and don’t want to live together before marriage) and make the committment to eachother. I think people are forgetting that how ever old you are – you are making a committment to love and honor the other person no matter how you change or what comes up. I doubt I will be the same from 30 till when I am 70. But it doesn’t matter because I don’t want anyone else to go through life with me but Fiance. ..  We are both ready to be a family together and then add a few 😉 in a couple years. I agree it is different for everyone.
And the original question of why get married only knowing each other for so little time.. My mother passed on some wisdom – wait 2 years. I do agree with this as being wise but I am also not saying this is the only way. She and my dad only dated for 6 months and ended up getting divorced, they just didn’t know eachother as well. So from her experience came her words of advice.
Like I said – it is not the only way for sucess in a marriage.  Success comes with keeping promises and honoring and loving the other person at all times (this goes both ways wife-husband).

If it is abusive get out. period. 

Anyway.. my 2 cents 🙂 

Post # 56
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Getting married after knowing each other for a few months is one thing – but I have to say, until I joined Wedding Bee, I didn’t know that getting married at 22, 23 was considered “young.” Where I’m from, that’s the standard, and I’ve experienced no judgement about the fact that I’ll be a few days shy of 23 when I get married from friends and family (my fiance and I will have been together for 4.5 years when we get married). Some of the judgements that get thrown around on the boards really astound me because I had no idea that the rest of the world apparently views getting married in your early-to-mid 20s as “too young.” It just kind of bums me out to see this thread become yet another “you’re too young!” post, because what I love most about Wedding Bee is that it’s a place for support, not judgement. Sorry to vent, but I just felt I had to say it!

Post # 57
Member
4437 posts
Honey bee

I can’t say that I’ve had that many people “judge” me because I’m young. My mother was the most vocal about the age issue, and she just wanted to make sure I knew the risks of getting married young. She got married at 18, never went to college and has never lived on her own.

We will both be 22 when we get married. Fiance will be 23 shortly after our wedding. BUT, we have been together for 3 1/2 years. We have been through plenty in that time. Deaths, the military, working too much, unemployment, family problems, nervous breakdowns. And honestly, all of those things have made us love each other more. We are best friends, we know everything about each other. We know each others flaws and what we dont like about the other, but none of them are dealbreakers. He’s in the military, I will have a bachelor’s degree in education.

That being said. We never wanted to get married young. But, circumstances required us to rethink the issue. I have no rights in regards to him in the eyes of Uncle Sam. The military does not recognize girlfriend or fiance, they recognize wife. That is, by far, not the only reason we are getting married, but it was the factor that sped things up.

I think that the issue of marriage is one of those “to each his own” things. You cannot tell someone you hardly know that they shouldn’t get married because they are too young. You dont know them well enough for that. Maybe she is mature enough? Or then again, maybe not? All you can do is respect someone else’s life decision and not do it yourself if you dont agree with it.

Post # 58
Member
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I agree no one should judge.  Some young couples have been through more and talked about more important issues and life goals than older couples.  Yes people change and grow a lot in their 20s, but there’s nothing to say a couple can’t grow together.  No, that doesn’t always happen, but the point is it can.  No one knows the “secret” to a 100% successful marriage, old or young, it’s a different journey for everyone. 

Post # 59
Member
1546 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I didn’t read through all of these-but I have to post!

Me & Fiance have been together over 5 years-I’ll be 21 & he’ll be 22 when we get married-we know at this point that we’ve been through a ton together.

Our best man & his wife on the other hand-got together last september & got married this july-both are 21/22 or something like that now. I don’t understand it! I’m not like against them getting married or anything, but it just blows my mind that they had to get married then. They haven’t been together long-well, the whole thing annoys me most days anyway-I’ve been with my Fiance for over 5 years at the time they got married, and still had a year to wait, and they were married just like that. Every time I see them I just feel like that should be us-they are living with his parents-no real plans to move any time soon. SOmetimes I just feel like they want to play house.

Post # 61
Member
1546 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@girlwitharing-That’s what annoys me most about our Bridesmaid or Best Man & his wife getting married! Fiance & I have a completely different image of marriage than them (not saying that they don’t love each other) but after over 5 years, & practically living with him & his parents, we have a dog, it’s different than what they are.

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