(Closed) Young brides – why get married now?

posted 12 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 77
Member
1354 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@Sulli301

I guess the question is just why? Why don’t you date another six months? What was the tipping point? I don’t have a negative word to say to you, it sounds like you guys have your ducks in a row. Personally, I just don’t think “marriage” would have popped into my head so fast. Did the stars just align right? Is a family member really eager? Just curious.

Post # 78
Member
369 posts
Helper bee

That’s a great question?! I think all of us want to understand why? My bf and I dated for about a week or so before he brought up that he wanted to marry me. I chalked that one up to “he’s just joking around” He’s was 25 and I was 20 at the time. Almost two years later we and everyone else expects us to get married. Hopefully we do because we want to. However, we aren’t financially ready and we have always been career orientated. For that reason, we wait.

Post # 79
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009 - Ceremony: The Kraine Theatre, Reception: Midtown Loft & Terrace

@daniellemybelle: I loved what you said about it being silly to wait until you’re the “final version of yourself.” You’re right, there is no such thing. Will we change over the next few years? Of course. Have we already changed together in the past three years? Definitely.

We were engaged at our one year dating mark, but knew we would get married a month in. We decided to wait to actually get married for two years, but mostly so our family and friends could get onboard and so that we could graduate college and get settled in NYC first.

Yes, our relationship has changed drastically from those first few months, but our feelings about each other have not. If people want to go through the first few years of growing pains together (that happen whether or married or not) as a married couple instead of just dating, who’s to say they shouldn’t? It wasn’t the way we chose to do it, but I don’t know if much would have changed if we had done it that way.

Post # 80
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@ daniellemybelle – I totally agree with everything you said!

My Fiance and I will both be 21 when we get married in June after 6 and a half years of dating. Like Danielle and Mrs. Star said, there’s no ‘final version,’ so I don’t quite understand the reasoning for waiting until a certain age to get married because you’ll ‘be a different person’ – That’s true for any age. We’re just choosing to grow and change together. We’ve grown and changed together over the last 6 years, and I know we’ll continue to after we’re married.

One thing that does bother me is when older women assume that younger brides shouldn’t be getting married because they picture themselves at that age. Not all 21-year-olds are ‘crazy college students’ without a care in the world. I understand that with age comes life experience, and sometimes it’s nice to have someone who’s ‘been there, done that’ to give you advice, but I don’t think it’s fair for older brides to base their opinions on whether a young bride should or should not get married on their maturity level or experiences at her age.

Post # 81
Member
793 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I hadn’t even planned to comment on this thread, was just reading through, but dang Danielle –

Why has our society decided that the way to avoid divorce is to wait to marry until you are the final version of yourself – as if that will ever happen, as if changing ever stops.

That is the most profound thing I’ve read in a very long time!!! Seriously. Just makes so much sense!

On another note, it’s funny how much things have changed so quickly. My grandma was married at 16 and had 4 kids by age 20. And that wasn’t during our time of “give it to me now.”

Post # 82
Member
1546 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@star-I so agree with everything you said! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 83
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Honeybun, that reminds me of something I was thinking earlier. Getting married later in life is actually a relatively new phenomenon (as far as I know, anyway). So I’m not sure why young brides are judged when really, people who get married at an older age are in uncharted waters. Maybe this is why I haven’t received flack from friends and family – they all married young, too. This isn’t meant to be a judgement on those who get married later by any means – I really think people should get married at an age that works for them, whatever that age may be – just an observation.

Post # 84
Member
793 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@teaparty: Yep, that’s what I was thinking too. I really don’t think people should be judged on their age. Me personally, thank God I didn’t marry anyone I was dating when I was 21. But not everyone is like me (or like the guys I dated! LOL) so I don’t want to say “why not wait?” to them. For all I know, they may be at the same point I’m at maturity-wise. I know several people that are married and one couple getting married next year that have absolutely NO business doing it. They are all my age – 28, 29ish. And I’m sure there are plenty of younger couples out there who would be better off getting married than these people. Then I look at my psycho ex-stepdad who has had like 2 wives and 5 girlfriends since he and mom split up several years ago. I think people of all ages rush into things, and I think it’s the rushing that causes problems, not age.

Post # 85
Member
1456 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@honeybun: It’s interesting to see how some people mature and some people don’t. I think there may be an argument that waiting until you’re older and settled may make it harder to adjust to marriage. As a young bride I’m more flexible in terms of my life direction. I also get to spend many of my “growing up” years within a marriage, and that will ultimately get me in better shape for marriage than trying to figure it out outside of a marriage ever could! The trick is marrying the right person the first time, and understanding myself as an idividual.

Also, let’s not take “maturity” too seriously. One of its meanings is “to stop growing.” You may reach maturity, but that doesn’t make you a mature person. Hence the 29 year olds who can’t handle serious relationships. ๐Ÿ˜›

daniellemybelle and star, BEAUTIFUL posts!

Post # 86
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I met my Fiance 3 years ago at 18, barely knew him at all. RE-met him this past halloween. Started dating the very next weekend. We were talking about marriage and what I call “pre-engaged” by December. He put a ring on me by April. If you’re counting that means we were engaged within 5 months of being together. We celebrated our 1 year anniversary this month. Our wedding is next october and we’ll have been together for almost 2 years.

I am 21. I was engaged on my 21st birthday and will be married at 22. My fiance will be 23. For someone to say that I’m not ready is not only offensive but it just hurts. I have met the love of my life. “when you meet the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start right away.” We have never lived together and plan on moving in together just a couple months before the wedding to get settled in.

You have no idea what any couple has been through when you make those judgements, and I get them all the time. Vendors don’t take me seriously, and friends tell me I’m crazy. Fiance and I have been through more than most couples go through in years. We were a long-distance couple for the first couple months. and just 2 months after we started dating, Caleb was almost killed in a car accident, and was in the hospital for 2 months. I knew then just like I know now I never wanted to be without him. Right before his car accident I was robbed, my apartment was destroyed and when I called the cops my life was threatened and I had to leave my college town and move back in with my parents. By The Way, the person who did all of this was my roomate and best friend of 11 years. Caleb is still in rehab, and recovering from his brain injury.

I will change, He will change, but we will change together. We love eachother now and we will love eachother tomorrow. Our love will grow everyday, and it will change along with us. Every struggle and every joy we will share together and conquer as a unit. True love is never easy, it is not a choice, but we all have the choice to get through the hard times. You have to wake up everyday and make the decision to stay, to know that you chose this man or woman for a reason. You have to make the choice to remember that reason, and to fight for your life together.

Marriage is never easy. It doesn’t matter how old or young you are. I believe you have to know how strong you are. You have to know if you’re ready to lay it all on the line and take the leap. If you’re ready then do it, but don’t every forget that you have to hold on to eachother to make it work.

Post # 87
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Laurenadela:  Thank you for sharing.  I am a young bride as well, but we have been together 4+ years.  However, you make a good point about people jumping to conclusions.   No one truly knows the strength of your relationship except for you and your SO.

With that being said, I have observed a few marriages that made me wonder (btw, I don’t think I would have worried about yours).  I know for some people there are religeous reasons.  They feel like they can’t take their marriage “to the next level” until they are married.  So they rush into it.

I think there are positive aspects to marrying young.  I think if I hadn’t fallen in love until I was 30, that I would have a very hard time merging my life with someone elses (but I have an extremely strong personality).  I do recognize additional challenges of being a young bride too. 

I think the financial stability achieved by being an older bride would be nice.  I also know Fiance would have preferred to not have been alone for 3 months while I studied abroad, and that he will be making sacrifices if I am accepted into TFA. 

I think the best point you made was that, we really don’t have a choice about when we fall in love.  Life happens differently for everyone and although it is difficult sometimes we just need to remember “to each his own”.

Post # 88
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I have wondered this myself. Though I’m just about to be 21, and the Fiance is 22, we’re definitely putting the breaks on wedding plans! EEEsh. I’m NOT ready to jump on the marriage wagon. I think that our engagment showed our commitment to each other and where we are right now is the common knowledge that we WILL be married in the next 2-3 years, but we have NO intention of rushing it. I don’t really want to get married with our small incomes, me being in school, him finishing paramedic school, working overnight in the hospital, and days on shift at the firestation….all while I sit alone at home and wait/worry.

Along with what so many of these other girls say, I agree with the statment that you can’t really help when you fall in love, because you just KNOW. “LOVE” is way different from puppy-love most of us knew in high school. (Though it was real LOVE for some of you gals!) All that being said, my Fiance is the most mature person I have ever met for someone his age. A lot of people think he is 30-ish just because of how he goes about life. I love that about him, and I love the kid inside him.

…………………….

Mostly, though, I do wonder about super-duper-young military brides. I know SO many of them. SOOOO MANY OF THEM! And most of them barely knew their Fiance before they got hitched. And sooo many of them live across the US or even out of the country. I didn’t see if anyone had touched on young military brides…but I’m definitely interested in that!

Post # 89
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

PS — er, not to say that I have a certain issue with young military brides. I just need some enlightenment into the whole thing…I definitely don’t want to start a riot against myself…hahaha. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m just interested!!

Post # 90
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with Laurenadela. I will be 20 and my Fiance will be 22 when we get married. Yes, we’re young, and yes we will change, but we will change together. We have been together since we were 15 and 16. Has our relationship changed? YES. Have we changed? YES.

I know a lot of people feel like they should wait until they finish college to tie the knot. For us, it works out better to be married sooner. He will have a semester left and I will have three when we get married. People have cautioned us about finances and him getting a job and me having to quit and move with him. He has saved money literally his whole life and has over $50,000 in the bank that is for school, plenty for us to finish even if we don’t qualify for aid (which we do) and he works full time and I do part time.. So we are financially stable which makes us different from a lot of other couples our age. He is very supportive of me finishing my degree and we have discussed the possibility of him keeping an apartment in his city of employment if he had to move away and driving “home” on the weekends. A lot of people ask us, “Why not wait? What difference does it make?”

We are ready to be married, and we have spent a lot of time weighing this decision. We are ready to take this next step in our lives. Dating someone for a few more years is not the same as marriage.

Marriage is a very personal decision that some people do rush into, but as a whole, I think it is a personal decision and you can’t put an age or time on it. What is right for someone may not be right for someone else!

Post # 91
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

laurenadela& eholden, well said!  not to mention, the pressure alone of not having the support of all the people who ended up passing judgements on you..  my fiance and i have gone through all the growing up stuff together during college, and it’s been hard, but we really have grown together and i love it.

 

you have to look at where someone is in their life, not how many years they’ve been alive.

at 18, some people are still in high school.  i was a college sophomore at 18.  i worked more than full time and my fiance and i paid for everything on our own except tuition and car payments as the car was a gift.  cost of living is high out here in hawaii!! 

one of my friends got her associates degree and got married this summer a little after her 21st bday to a man who is 27 and never went to college.  nothing wrong with that, but they really dont know how they are going to support the children she wants.  my fiance and i were 19 and 20 when they got married, and we had more eduation completed, made just as much money, and had more concrete plans than they did.  age does not tell all, although many people would assume because she was 21 and i was 19 that she was at least a little better off.

that is why i dont usually ask people online their opinion on things that require the context of your life!!  that’s a bit much to write on a post! i would have to keep going and going to make all the points in my head ๐Ÿ˜›

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