(Closed) Young Engagement – 19/18

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee

Congrats! I’m interested to see some replies, since I am in a relationship that will have the same age gap at the end of this year. I’ll be 19, and he’ll be 18. However, unlike in your situation where you seem to be in the same year in school, I am a university student and my DBF is finishing up high school.

I know that won’t matter in a few years, but I was mainly just happy to see someone around my age in a similar enough relationship situation who also has a slightly younger SO (as opposed to an older one; that seems to be the norm with the youngest bees). Not saying that larger age gaps are bad when you’re young – I just find it a little frustrating how ladies my age with an SO who is 5-10 years older will inevitably be taken more seriously in some ways. We even started dating our SOs at similar ages! (I was 17, going on 18, and DBF was 16).

As for DBF and I, we’ve been together for about a year (exactly a year by the end of this month!), and we both believe that we shouldn’t get engaged until at least about four years from now. If it happened now, it’d probably be more of a shitstorm than when your mother finds out. I think my American family would be secretly pleased, but given that DBF is from a culture where people don’t really consider getting married until their mid-twenties (if at all), his parents would be livid, even if he was a year out of high school. XD

Post # 5
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I am glad you are happy.  But you are both very very young.  Be engaged by all means and be happy together, but I would strongly recommend a long engagement. I suspect your family will be more supportive of that idea too.

Best Wishes.  

Post # 8
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

All I know is that I was a differrent person in my 30s than I was in my 20s….I got married at 20 first time around…17years later I honestly had evolved or something..lol…early on I was molded by my oddball family….later on I learned to be happy with myself and really not give a crap about what others thought of me….I grew as a person…I am so different now compared to when I was a teenager or in my 20s.

Post # 9
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@JazzieB:  I understand that you feel like you do.  It is perfectly normal to want to be with someone you love.  

 

You will feel differently somewhat as you get out on your own.  That doesn’t mean you will break up or move apart, but you will grow and change, both of you.  It is a good thing.  If you are meant to be together you will make it through it all and be better for it.  

 

I think moving in together is a great first step in your lives together.  Engagement if you both want it also great. Just be cautious and go slow with marriage.  When you are 18, 19, 20 yes 5 years is a long time, but when you are  50, 70, 90, 5 years is hardly anything. You have a lifetime ahead of you, don’t be in such a rush to tick off the milestones.  They will come, enjoy the process.

 

Post # 10
Member
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@JazzieB:  I got married when I was 18 almost 19.  And got divorced 15 years later.

I can already hear you saying so what?  That’s you, we’re different.  No, you’re not.  Everybody whose in love for the first time thinks they’re different and they’re not.  At your ages, you don’t have any idea what you’re talking about or what you’re getting into or what marriage actually is and the toll that time and real life can take.  Don’t think you do – you don’t. 

If you and your boyfriend are really in love and really mature, then you can and should wait to get married.  Trust me when I tell you that you will both absolutely regret the youth, freedom, few responsibilities and opportunities you will sqander and never, ever get again if you marry now.  That’s not a guess – that’s an iron-clad guarantee.

No, you don’t stop living when you get married – but you do rush headlong into an adult life of a neverending treadmill of work, chores, bills, money issues and allll the other things that you will have to contend with for the rest of your lives until you die. 

Enjoy your youth while you have it.  Seriously.  There is absolutely nothing romantic or sexy about adult responsibilities and they absolutely take a toll on your relationship.  There is no such thing as poor but happy.  Don’t kid yourself about that.  Whatever challenges you’ve faced together so far are sunshine and rainbows to what waits for you.  You think you’ve been together for a long time but you haven’t.  You think you know yourself and you do – you know the person you are now.  The person you will be 30 years from now is going to be LOT different.  So is the person your boyfriend will be. 

The reality is, if you marry now, the likelihood of you having a successful, happy marriage for the long haul is slim to none.  The chances that one of you will become restless later on is almost guaranteed.  My divorce was one of the most devastating experiences I’ve ever had.  Don’t set yourself up to go through one yourself. 

I realize you feel I’m talking down to you and I’m not.  Maybe you think I”m bitter but I’m not.  I’m now happily remarried.  I just have the benefit of hindsight and experience.  My first husband and I loved each other dearly.  He was not and is not a bad person.  But love is not enough for a successful, happy relationship.   You have time on your side.  Use it wisely.  Make smart choices for your life and your future – don’t just rush into what makes you happy now.  Buying happy now comes at a huge price later down the road – one that isn’t worth it. 

Wait. 

Post # 11
Member
9671 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think it’s fine if you want to get engaged, but I would also recommend to make it a long engagement.  I don’t think anyone should get married before 23 or so (at least).  There is no valid reason (IMO) to rush into getting married at 20…but there are many reasons to wait.

Post # 12
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@JazzieB:  love your post!! and i agree, people fail to realize that everyone is different. Just because your first marriage failed does not mean mines will its a different day and age and you are a different person that’s my outlook. I’m engaged at 21 and I feel so ready. I havthis n notion that can’t nobody tell me about myself but me!!!! There is a book I read called young and in love: challenging the unnecessary delay of marriage. It is by a pastor who tackles everything and helps us as young brides understand “foxes” =those with negative opinions and thoughts. I even recommend it or those who married young and divorced or those who have a negative outlook on young marriage!  You should definitely check it out and I wish you nothing but love and success in your future πŸ™‚ 

 

Post # 13
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee

@JazzieB:  Even with our similar situations, I also agree with PPs on how you should take things slowly and with caution. The reason I am on the Hive in the first place is because my relationship with DBF is one that I could see developing into a marriage one day. We discuss marriage from time to time, and he and I seem to see eye-to-eye.

Things will change for both of you within the next couple of years. Hell, I changed considerably from 17 to 18 – only time will tell how I will change by my 25th birthday.

I see no reason why you should wait for engagement if that’s what you both want, but you have the rest of your life to be married. It’s a huge committment, so don’t rush in. 

Post # 14
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@JazzieB:  First off, I must compliment your writing.  You obviously have an intellectual head on your shoulders and a talent for articulating your points — are you going into something English related? πŸ˜‰

 

From there, I’ll tell you my story, because I think it’s relevant.  When my fiancé and I got together, he was 17 and I was 15.  Our marriage is scheduled for 8 years and 1 month after our first date.  I’m 23 and he’s 25.

That said, it was not all smooth sailing.  We had our occasional falling-outs and doubts.  We even broke up briefly a couple of times.  It wasn’t until after we had both seen other people, experienced freedom to float around, got to make our own independent decisions, etc. etc. that we realized marriage was right for us because we couldn’t stop coming back to each other.  We realized that the connection we had was something we couldn’t replicate with other people, and that this was the best it was going to get (not that that’s a bad thing – we are very happy together!). I wouldn’t have known that if I didn’t date around and try to be single for a while – I would always have wondered.  

Engagement is a fine step to take, but wait to get married.  We waited as long as we did because we wanted the approval of our families, which the first time we talked about marriage (19 and 21) we didn’t feel we would get.  As sad as it is, nobody takes very young couples seriously.  There’s no point in rushing into it and then finding out, 5 years down the line, that you kinda wish you had partied more in college or your now-hubby has developed some new quirks or habits you don’t like.

Marriage isn’t the be-all end-all (except in certain religions).  There’s always divorce if it doesn’t work out.  At the same time, it’s an expensive mistake to make if it doesn’t work out.

 

…All that said, if all you’re talking about it getting engaged, who cares?  There’s no issue if it’s a long engagement, but I cannot recommend waiting enough.  What’s the rush?  You have lots of time.

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