(Closed) Young Engagement – 19/18

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 20
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

Hi, I’m JazzieB’s Boyfriend πŸ™‚ I would first like to say thanks for all the advice and we will take all your points into considerstion. 

Being apart sucks! Honestly really can’t wait to live together and so far everyone’s said by all means live together. We really want to get engaged when moving in together because we want to show each other that we are comitted to one another. Now a couple of you have said to wait and enjoy our youth because with marriage comes adult responsibilities, bills and going through life to quickly etc. and that’s through your own experience and I appreciate your help. A couple of you have also said why not? Why wait? and that we’re not the same people as other’s who have had bad experiences with young marriage.

I know things will change, I know people will judge us but I also know that I love this girl (JazzieB) with all my heart. I want to make her the happiest girl in the world and I know you might say you don’t have to get married young to make that happen and I would agree with you, we don’t but I want to and she wants to too. We have thought about everything, what if one of us changes? what if we end up like our parents? etc etc. The one thing we both believe in (non-religiously) is marriage is something you do once (coming from someone who’s Dad has been married 3 times haha) but I’m not my Dad! If we have problems we’ll work at them, if things are majorly going wrong we’ll get help to put us back together but we won’t ditch each other because of a hiccup. We will always be together wether that means getting married in a couple years time or in a decades times. I see the point in waiting, just not that long. Once we’ve moved in together and are engaged things will settle down a bit and we will consider wether to wait longer or not but if we see no reason to wait then we’ll tie the knot because she is the most important thing to me and I know it means a lot to her. 

I will still appreciate, respect and take note if anyone has different or similar views or advice. 

Post # 21
Member
1417 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

The first thing you should do is quit explaining yourself to everyone.  If you’re truly ok with your decision then you owe no one an explanation.  Reading your post I just felt like you were trying to justify all of your actions.  It’s really not necessary. 

Good for you for overcoming all of those hardships.  There are many people who never do.  Enjoy life, don’t rush into marriage.  Go out and have fun.  If you want to be engaged, well then why not?  But like other posters said, I would go for a long engagement.

Best of luck to you in your future. πŸ™‚

 

Post # 22
Member
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I was actually in a very similar situation at your age – dating a guy one year younger than me, we were both in college, working, and living together. And we had been through a lot and had to grow up pretty fast. I’d also lost my virginity to him, he was the first and only guy I’d ever dated to treat me so well, and I was sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

But we’re not together anymore. There was never an awful nasty breakup, it’s just that your early 20s are a time when you go through a LOT of changes. It’s difficult to explain – neither of us had like a personality transformation, at our core we are the same people now that we were back then. But enough did change that something about our relationship just didn’t feel right anymore. I wasn’t happy. And if you had told me when I was 18 or 19 that such a thing could’ve happened, I would have told you that you were out of your mind, and that no matter what happened we’d love eachother and would make it work. And if we had gotten married so young, I would probably still be with him now – but I wouldn’t be as happy as I am with my DH. It wouldn’t be the right thing for me.

Obviously changes like this are something that technically can happen at any age, but it’s way more likely to happen in your late teens/early 20s. So while you do sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and I agree with you about the viewpoints you brought up others having that you don’t agree with, I would still encourage you to be engaged for at least 2-3 years because of your age.

Post # 23
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Congrats on your engagment.

Post # 24
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

View original reply
@RedPanda24:  Not happened yet πŸ™‚ Give me 6 months πŸ™‚

Post # 28
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

oop silly me, lol thought I read you guys were already engaged , haha

Post # 29
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@JazzieB:  Here is my take – I don’t think young marriages are necessarily DOOMED TO FAIL.  But I think older women such as myself who look back on who we were at 17, 18, 19 years old know we aren’t the same girl we once were.  You grow and change and evolve.  And sometimes, you and your partner grow in different directions.  It’s not a guarantee, but it is probable.

I acknowledge that you two have faced trials together and I think it’s wonderful you were there for one another.  But there is a lot more life to come.  And with more life, comes more trials and tribulations.  You clearly have a pattern of working through those things together, overcoming problems together.  That’s great.  But, be realistic here.  Some troubles can really take a toll on a relationship – job loss, loss of a parent, trouble trying to conceive, or even a simple case of lack of personal fulfillment.  (Also, you mentioned overcoming depression and anxiety… I don’t believe those are things you overcome.  I think you learn how to cope better, and how to manage your feelings… but it doesn’t just go away.  Just some food for thought).

You need to know that successful marriages require so much more than love.  Love is a beautiful thing, and it is the basis for a relationship.  But marriage… it’s a iron clad, life long commitment.  To stand by your spouse through thick and thin.  You want to choose someone who emotionally supportive, financially sound, responsible, reliable, faithful (and I’m not only talking about cheating), etc.  I personally don’t believe that many teenagers possess those qualities.  I think they are things you learn as you grow and mature.  That is why most people will suggest waiting until you’re a little bit older.

I married the man I started dating at 17.  I never thought seriously about marriage until 24 years old.  And it’s not because I didn’t love him enough.  I’ve always loved and adored him.  But we both had a lot of growing up to do.  And even now I look back on us at 17 years old, hell even at 20 years old and think – God, I really didn’t know how much more there was to all of this.  I thought I knew what love was, but I didn’t know how deep it went and how much more was required of both of us to make good life partners.

So go ahead, live together, continue with school, HAVE FUN TOGETHER!!!  Do all of those things you should do in your youth – drink too much, have sex outside, get a tatoo, dine and dash – ok, well work within the parameters of legality!  But don’t rush to grow up just yet. 

GOOD LUCK!

Post # 30
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

View original reply
@Wonderstruck:  There was never an awful nasty breakup, it’s just that your early 20s are a time when you go through a LOT of changes. It’s difficult to explain – neither of us had like a personality transformation, at our core we are the same people now that we were back then. But enough did change that something about our relationship just didn’t feel right anymore.

Yes. Yes yes yes. This pretty much sums up what I was about to say.

No matter how well adjusted, mature, and responsible you are for your age, the fact is that you don’t truly know who you are or become the person you want to be until later in life. It’s wonderful that you have such a level-headed and analytical approach to your relationship and life, but trust me: so much will change in the next 5-10 years that defines you and where you truly want to be in life.

I mean, I’ll be 28 this year and I’m not even close to the same person I was even four years ago. I have grown, learned, and changed so much about myself and others that I can’t even begin to imagine getting married before I did (at age 26). I thought I knew everything and had it all figured out back then, and now I just have to laugh at myself. I wonder what I’ll think of myself in ten years.

Post # 31
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not going to make this a long story. I’m 22 and my FH is 26. We’ve been dating since I was 16. The change I went through from 19 to 22 had been so big, that our relationship almost didn’t make it. It took alot of patience from him and growing up for me. You will go through alot of personal changes, both of you. It’s good you’re deciding to wait to get married, after getting engaged. At 21, you will probably (more like definately)  have a different world view than you do right now, so just enjoy your lives together and worry about marriage later. 

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