(Closed) Young engagment, fear breaking it to family

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

I’m worried about the same thing. I’m 21 but my FH is 27. His family will be super excited. My family won’t be nearly as excited. I remember a few months ago telling my mom a close friend was getting married and she frowned and said ‘she’s way too young.” Ever since that conversation, I’ve been nervous to talk to my mom about getting married.

My FH did give me good advice and hopefully it’ll help you too: it’s your life and you need to do what makes you happy,even if other people aren’t happy for you!

Post # 4
Member
9074 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

While I don’t fit you in the young [We’re 25] catagory, I was only dating my SO 7 months when we got married.

I have no advice other than don’t defend your actions. You are doing it for a reason, and well, that’s that.

Take your time, though. You’ve got the rest of your life.

Post # 5
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Pearlsnboots:  Since you said you were interested in people’s experience and advice I am going to give it to you. My experience is that my goals at 19 changed a heck of a lot from that time until now (25). I knew I wanted to marry my Fiance when I was your age, right around the time you’re at now. However, just wanting to marry him wasn’t good enough for me. Even though I KNEW (as did he) that we wanted to get married, the timing was not right. I thought the right time would be after Fiance got a job, then I realized I needed longer. I wanted to finish college first. Then I realized that not only did I want to finish college, I also wanted to have my career. Fiance agreed with me. Our goals changed together, not apart (as they VERY well could have) Had he wanted to get married before I reached my goals I don’t know what I’d have done.

Let me tell you, LIFE changes a LOT from college to career. You have more stress than college, you’re juggling more, and your actions have more consequences. This is probably nothing new to you. I’m sure you’re aware of it, but the truth of the matter is, you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend will either grow with each other as you venture out of college and into the real world or you will grow despite the other, and will realize you are no longer capatable. It is anyone’s guess how it will turn out. Only you are the ones who can try to predict that.

Fiance and I could have easily gotten engaged at 19, married at 20/21, and still be together now. Honestly though, it is just as likely that had we gotten married at 20/21 we would no longer be together because I’m pretty sure my parents would have financially cut me off. Not because I got married, but since that, as a MARRIED adult, I should be reliant on myself and my husband… not my parents. I’m not sure that, at that age, Fiance and I could have supported ourselves fully. That would have probably caused a lot of stress on our relationship that we were not yet mature enough to handle.

If you’re already paying for your own college, rent, food, car, gas, bills, health insurance, etc. and so is your Boyfriend or Best Friend, then you’re a step ahead of me, and had I been in a situation like that, I might have made other calls. However, to ME, being independant of ANYONE (even FI) was extremely important. I wanted to have my college education AND have my career before I got married. Your parents are probably just looking out for you, and want to make sure you’re making choices you’ll be happy with in the long run. My parents never knew I was considering getting engaged at 19, but like you, I knew they’d be disappointed with my choice had I gone through with it. I thought about WHY they would be disappointed, and it led me to several of the conclusions above. They knew I would change a lot from 19-25, they knew that my goals would change, they knew that my Fiance would change. It was not that they doubted our love or commitment, they would just want me to really understand more than just the love part of marriage.

You’ll either ultimately agree with your parents’ fears (if you didn’t think they would have any, then I don’t think you’d be afraid to break it to them) or you’ll disagree. If you think your parents might have some valid fears, it is a sign of a mature adult to consider them all. Don’t let emotions blind you from that. If, in the end, you’re still resolved in your choice, then you’ll know that you’re making the best choice for you and have thought it out. (Only YOU can know what is best for you and your relationship) Then, if people question your relationship down the line, you’ll know that you’ve considered all the angles and options, and have made the best choice for you.

And no, I am not telling you to wait. I am telling you to consider why your parents might be disappointed and face those reasons head on -before- talking to your parents. If, after that, you feel marriage is the best choice for you right now, then I think you’ve a pretty good base to talk to your parents on.

Post # 6
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Pearlsnboots:  If you want to make an adult decision, prepare to handle it like an adult.  Specifically, you may have to make this choice without your parents approval.  If they make a stink… “Mom and Dad, I’m sorry you don’t agree with my choice, but I will marry Mr. Pearls.”  The only thing is, be prepared for them to cut off any financial support they may provide you (if they do support you).  Because if I were a parent and my teenager came to me and said they were getting married, I’d say “Ok, you want to be an adult, be an adult all the way.  Support yourself.  Pay for school, pay your bills, pay for your wedding.”  Not being snarky, but being realistic.  Good luck.

Post # 7
Member
2448 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

If I had a nickel every time a teenager thought the love would last forever….i’d have a heck of a lot of nickels. When I was 19 I thought I was completely an adult and lord help anyone that tried to tell me otherwise. I don’t mean to sound snarky but at 19, marriage is a HUGE step to make and every statistic is lined up against you. Especially since you’ve only known each other for 4 months and you’ve never lived together. Why the rush? If you’re so sure about each other – why not graduate and date until both of you have stable jobs and have experienced being in the adult world for a couple of years? Marriage won’t change anything in your relationship – it won’t make your love grow stronger or affirm anything to anyone but the IRS or your health insurance company. Ultimately though, no one here can convince you whether to move on with your plans, but be prepared to face disappointment if announcing the engagement to some family members.

Post # 8
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m not sure of your exact situation, but I am also nineteen and I got engaged four months ago. I was really nervous about telling everyone! My family and I had discussed it previously though. I knew my mom and grandma would be happy for me. I am with a man seven years older than myself, and we make a great pair! So I had more than one “issue” to worry about when this was all happening. We have been togther two and a half years now but there were still a couple of people who questioned  my decision. Before you decide to get engaged you just have to make sure you are completely confident in your choice to marry your boyfriend, and realize that there will always be people in life who don’t agree with your decisions. You can’t let that be the deciding factor in a decision that you will live with your whole life. A lot of people are very immature at nineteen, and not even kind of ready for marriage. But some of us are! I have always been the girl who everyone thought was at least three years older than I am. As PP’s have said, if you are financially reliant on your parents then I would have a talk with them and see if they would continue to support you through your engagement. If not, I would wait until you can afford to not have their support. I wish you luck, and I am sure you will make the best decision for yourself. 

Post # 9
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Pearlsnboots:  Hi there, welcome to the Hive for starters! Hopefully you will find all the Bees around here pretty helpful with whatever problem you have or advice you may need.

As for your question above, I’m a young waiting bee too (I just turned 20) – I’m in Australia but we decided not to go to uni so the bf has an apprenticeship and I work full time. We rent a house together and have lived together for almost 3 years. We have gone ring shopping and it will be no surprise when we get engaged. However, I know that my family who I am not very close with would not approve – because they do not and have never approved of bf (seriously their issue nothing wrong with him).

I think as someone has already mentioned, you need to evaluate why your parents wouldn’t be supportive and what you are going to do about that. You can either decide you agree with them, or you decide to be your own person and do what you decide is best regardless of their feelings.

The only thing I would say is that you and Mr Pearls haven’t been dating very long, if that is going to be the issue with your parents I would ask what the rush to get engaged / married is? But if you are planning on a long engagement and want to commit to each other now, then go ahead I see no harm in that. Your relationship will definitely grow through wedding planning, it can be pretty stressful! 🙂

xxxx good luck and let us know how it goes xxx

Post # 10
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Sorry to be ‘that person’ but why the rush to get engaged? If you’re still relying on your parents then you should not be looking at marriage. Wait until you can support yourself (outside of home, living with your SO), pay your own rent, bills, health insurance, college, car etc… you’re 19. I’m not saying you’re not mature enough (I don’t know you) or anything, but I reaally don’t see why you need to get engaged now.

 

I’m not trying to insult you or your relationship, but two 19 year olds who’ve known each other for 4 months, who want to get engaged… doesn’t sound promising.

Post # 11
Member
2143 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m also young, I was 20 when Fiance proposed and we’d been together 9 months. We decided to wait a while to tell our families for a number of other reasons, but I felt a lot more comfortable knowing that (to them) we’d passed at least the one year mark before getting engaged, I think it’s a big milestone in reducing possible ridicule. Since you’re having a long engagement anyways, maybe it’d be worth considering pushing the unofficial boundaries of it up a little to keep the peace. (Not to say that you should wait to move your relationship forwards, but unless you need your parents’ help with the wedding immediately in some way, it might not hurt to keep it between you for a bit)

Post # 12
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Sometimes, when you’re meant to be with somebody, you just know. I can’t explain how, but you do. And if you know that you’re meant for eachother, why not wait until closer to the actual date to get engaged?

I completely understand what you mean, I’m a young bride as well. I’m 22, and got engaged at 21. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t get married until out of college. I graduate in a few months, and I couldn’t be happier with that decision. In the 4 short years of college, I have grown as a person and changed so much. It’s magical when two people grow and change together.

My Fiance is beginning his career in a month as a police officer. I am happy I get to start a life with him, and honestly I’m “one of those girls” that can see myself as a mother and a wife first and foremost. Not to say that I don’t plan on making a living for myself, because I definitely do.

 

 

Post # 13
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Pearlsnboots:  As someone who is not that much older than you (I’m 22) and will be getting married in a few years I can tell you that I don’t see the point of rushing into marriage.

If you love this person and know you are right for each other the great! But why get married now? Life is very long (and it is getting longer and longer) why cram so many milestones into a few years instead of spreading them out? 

I know very few people who got married in their late teens and early twenties and they are all divorced. I know a few people who got engaged in their late teens early twenties and all broke off the engagement and are now doing totally different things with their life. 

I am slightly biased also because in Italy (were I live) and the UK (were I grew up) there is a social stigma attached to people getting married young.  And that I think is another big reason why couples that get married so young often divorce. Since it is quite unusual there is not good social support, as you said your parents would probably be against it and not support you, society in general will not be very supportive.

Also are you prepared to the change it will bring into your social life? I’m guessing none of your friends are married , are you prepared to be the only married one?

Are you prepared in 6-7 years time to have your friends, moving, getting engaged, getting married, in other words going through all those milestones which you have already burned all together in a few years before anyone in your social circle ever gave any thought to marriage?

Marriage and relationships in general are hard, living alone and supporting yourself is hard. Having a net of people that are going through the same thing and understand you I think is very important.

 

 

@jennabug:  I never understand this statement  -I’m “one of those girls” that can see myself as a mother and a wife first and foremost.-  I see young brides writing this often on weddingbee as a justification for getting married very young but personally I don’t get it. I mean meeting the right person is a blessing not a goal. What if you never got married? If you never met the right man? How can your highest aspiration be being a wife?

Post # 14
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m not trying to be a debbie downer, but here are some stats below. It’s one thing to be in a relationship, and even engaged…but I urge you to wait on marriage.

 

Age at marriage for those who divorce in America (2011)

AgeWomenMen

Under 20 years old

27.6%

11.7%

20 to 24 years old

36.6%

38.8%

25 to 29 years old

16.4%

22.3%

30 to 34 years old

8.5%

11.6%

35 to 39 years old

5.1%

6.5%

Post # 15
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think if you have a long engagement you are fine, this will give you time to get to know each other better. There is a LOT you don’t know about each other after 4 months.

Also, if you are grown up enough to get married, you should be grown up enough to tell your parents. Sorry if that sounds blunt, but it’s true.

 

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