(Closed) Younger Bees, have you heard of Grass Is Greener Syndrome? Have you experienced

posted 6 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 2
Member
2260 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

May I ask how old you are? I think this would be totally normal for younger ladies who are in their first relationship. I’ll be 26 when we get married in September- which many people consider young. However, I would say I’m at a good place now in my life. I’ve been through college and have had a few years in the workforce. Fiance and I met a couple years after I was done with college. Which was great because I had my share of fun and dated a bit, so I know that he is the one for me. I think if I had ended up marrying my college bf, like I had wanted at the time, it would have been a disaster. We were very different people, and I believe everyone changes a lot after you are done with schooling. Life is so different. That being said, you are the only one in your shoes at the moment. Maybe your Fiance is the one for you, and it will all work out wonderfully. Maybe it won’t. I think that you need to have a serious talk with him about how you are feeling, and whether or not this is the right time for you guys to get married. Perhaps it might be wiser to hold off for a few years while you grow as people, and then decided whether or not this is the right decision.

Post # 4
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

So, BFF felt like that. She had never been single, never “lived” – she got kind of freaked out about it and panicked. Fast forward a few months, and she’s incredibly happy she stay with her Fiance and knows hes perfect for her.

I felt like that. I ignored it and got married anyway because everyone told me that it was just nerves. Turns out I was right – we got divorced almost right away and I’ve never been happier or more content with life.

Most people are more like my BFF, in that they have a moment of “oh my god, my whole LIFE with this guy?” at some point, but get over it quickly. Take a hard look at whether this has been a consistent feeling for you, or whether it’s just a fleeting reaction. Only you know whether your Fiance is right for you.

Post # 5
Member
2260 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I don’t think that 23 is all that young.  I’m sure you have done a lot of maturing together then, which can be a really great thing for relationships.  Only you can decide whether it is nerves, or something more.  Really think about about it.  Did you really make the choice to get married to each other, or did you just ‘fall into it’ because you have been together for so long, and it is the next logical step?  Either way, I think you should try to talk about it with your FI-see if he is having any similar feelings.  (and yes, some fighting is normal in a relationship, but since you mentioned it, I’m wondering if you think it is a more than a normal amount?  Something else to think about.  Example, Fiance and I don’t fight that often, but we did a ton when we first moved in together.  Some flucutation on that is normal, in my opinion.)

Post # 7
Member
890 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

Try to focus on whether you think your Fiance is right for you and whether you are compatible in your life goals etc. rather than whether you are missing out.

If your Fiance is the one for you, you aren’t missing out on anything.  I married at 30 but it would have been awesome if I could have just skippped all the crappy relationships and gone straight to him!  But I probably wouldn’t have been attracted to him when we were 23 because he was a big partier and I’m not super into that. 

Casually dating is seriously over rated.  I would be more concerned with the fact that it sounds like you haven’t experienced anything alone.  Try to go on some trips alone eventually, those kinds of things and do your own thing sometimes. 

Post # 9
Member
2260 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
MangoBreezy:  this is a great point of view.  Casual relationships are way overrated, but stuff like that makes you grow as a person, and makes you who you are today.  Which ties into that you haven’t really been on your own much.  I grew as a person so much after my college boyfriend and I broke up.  I was alone and really needed to figure out my own life goals and priorities.  I’m also in the same boat where if I had met my Fiance earlier, we would not have gotten along because he was a partier and always surrounded by tons of friends.  I’m quiet, and wouldn’t have wanted that.  People change a lot in their early/mid 20s because they are figuring out what they want in life.

OP, to answer your other question, yes.  calling off the wedding now would be better then getting divorced soon after.  If you really know that calling off the wedding is what you should do, you should do it.

Post # 11
Member
2260 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
DoubleA903:  that almost does sound like you fell into the engagment rather then really deciding on it….  I think you really need to sit down and think about what you want for your future.  Going through with the wedding might be the easier choice, but that doesn’t make it the right one.  But as we’ve all said, you are the only one that can answer the question of what is the right choice.

Post # 12
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

“Do you think calling off/postponing your wedding very close to the date would have been worse than getting divorced soon after?”

I feel like if you are even asking this question then you know in your gut what you should do. I think almost everyone will tell you that it’s better to call off a wedding than go through with it and get divorced. Do you want to be divorced at 23, have to tell future partners that you already got married once before, etc.? I’m not saying divorce is some curse or the worst thing that can happen  to a person–but if you can possibly avoid it (by not getting married in the first place) then do so!

Definitely talk to your Fiance about how you’re feeling. As my mom always says, “it’s important to have the tough talks.” He will probably freak out, but he deserves to know. And then the two of you can figure out where to go from there, whether you get married in 4 months, postpone, or break up.

Post # 13
Member
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Hogarths, Solihull

Sometimes I think that it would have been nice to enjoy the single life, but then again… 

I don’t like going out and clubbing and all that palava. I did that at University whilst in a relationship and just found it no fun, even with Fiance. I love staying home with Fiance and reading comics or watching films.

We’ve been together 8 years on Saturday, so I think that the time for ‘grass is greener’ syndrome has long gone 🙂

Have a think about why you might feel this way. My friends broke up in Senior School because he saw all of his mates sleeping around and having a laugh and there he was in a serious relationship. She moved on, but he regretted it. 

For reference, I’m 24 (25 in July) and Fiance is 26. 

Post # 15
Member
13797 posts
Honey Beekeeper

These sound like real doubts as to compatibility and character, not cold feet. I don’t know you or Fiance, but I think any doubt at all is all you really need to postpone or call off a wedding. Listen to your gut. And yes,it is absolutely better to do this now than to go through a divorce later. 

From your lack of experience, to the fighting and anger outbursts, to holding his support over your head, to him being pressured to marry you, to your own doubts, it seems as if there are many red flags. IMO, too many to ignore. Doing everything with his friends and family is not a reason to marry someone. 

I think you should decide for yourself what you want, however. Whether he feels the same way at this time or not isn’t really the point. 

 

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