(Closed) Younger Bees, have you heard of Grass Is Greener Syndrome? Have you experienced

posted 6 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 16
4615 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I’m sorry you’re feeling stressed OP. Though we didn’t meet as young as you and your Fiance, we started dating at 18 and are getting married this fall as well (9 years together – 27 now). I can’t say I’ve had the same feelings as you about marrying my Fiance, but I think that in a lot of ways it’s harder for those of us who met our SOs young. I agree with PP that you should take time to figure out whether you got engaged because you want to get married to your Fiance or if it was just because it was the next logical step after being together for a long time. Definitely talk to your Fiance. If he was pressured into proposing than he may be feeling the same way and be relieved to postpone/cancel the wedding while yall figure out what you want. Calling off the wedding is definitely better than getting divorced in my opinion.

Post # 17
2260 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

In my opinion, this does sounds like more then cold feet.  There are lots of red flags, like the temper, holding things over you (money), and him proposing due to outside pressure.  So yes, you have some serious thinking to do.  If you have doubt though, it would be much better to cancel/postpone then go through with it for sure.  I know starting over can be really scary, but it might be the best choice.

Post # 19
713 posts
Busy bee

You are actually rather young to be getting married.  Plus, you have basically dated only your fiancé, are sad that you have missed out on dating around, and “would be so relieved if he’s feeling that way too”?  Uhh, yeah, I’d probably say you should at the *very very least* talk with him about these feelings.

If you’re feeling this way about your past and you wish he’d feel the same way, that tells me that you’re not ready to marry and/or you’re not really wanting to marry him in particular.  This is a giant red flag.  It’s not normal to have misgivings about marriage when you’re engaged, or about the person you’re planing on marrying, or about feeling like you’re missing out and wish things were different.

My advice would be to talk with him openly and honestly about everything.  Then, you may find yourself needing to at least postpone the wedding for one reason or another.  What you two do during that postponement is up to you two.

Hope things work out.

ETA:  Just now noticed that he’s kind of manipulative and that he may have only proposed because he was pressured into it.  In that case, feel free to talk to him about everything, but I’d also highly recommend canceling the wedding.  He seems like an immature jerk and you are obviously not sure if you really want to get married.  You’re much too young to commit yourself to one person right now anyway.  Follow your gut and have your fun.  Find a man who treats you well after doing some maturing.  You’ll thank yourself for it later.

Post # 21
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m so sorry.  In the middle of all this, it’s easy to wonder if you’re thinking rationally, just getting cold feet, or what.  From what I’ve read, you’ll be much happier if you actually walk away completely.  It’s scary to start over.  But youre very young, really.  A bad temper and mental manipulations are horrible to live with–no matter how much you try to tell yourself it’s getting “better”.  If you can move on now, you’ll be free for when a good man comes into your life. 

No relationship is perfect.  But if you’re not finding that the good times and good feelings outweigh the number and magnitude of bad days and bad feelings–it’s not a good relationship.

Post # 22
2260 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
DoubleA903:  Yes.  The fact that he holds stuff over your head like that is not good.  You are right to be worried about how it might go in the future.  If he does that, then he isn’t seeing you as an equal partner in the relationship/family, and that is not ok.  Staying at home to care for children (or go to school) is a full time job too.  It sounds like you have gotten a lot of good advice, and you have some thinking to do, and then you’ll have to talk to your Fiance.  There are so many red flags here.  I’m so sorry that you are in this position.  I can’t imagine how hard that is.  You need to worry about your own future first though.  Don’t worry about how postponing the wedding would affect family and friends (I know, easier said then done).  Long term, it might be the right thing to do.

Post # 23
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: A restaurant on the beach

Fiance and I met when I was 15 and he was 16, we are 25 and 26 now. I have experienced the ‘grass is greener’ syndrome because He was my first everything. I didn’t date before him and I’ve never partied. I guess I was just curious to see what life outside of ‘us’ would be like. Then I moved 8 hours away for school and suddenly we were appart for long periods of time for the first time ever and honestly I’m enjoying myself! But I miss him terribly and can’t wait to move back in together hopefully later this year. Maybe what you need is distance. Distance may help you decide whether your Fiance is someone you don’t want to live without. 

Post # 25
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Based on what you have said, I think you need to leave this relationship.

I was with my high school boyfriend for almost 4 years. So not quite the same thing, but similar. We stayed together my first two years of college and I finally got the courage to end things when I transferred to a university. I thought of how many new people I’ll meet and knew I couldn’t stay in that bad relationship anymore.

I remember having horrible fears about starting over, and feeling like I’d wasted years of my life. But what you fail to realize is that the “starting over” part is the best!! It’s the honeymoon phase of a wonderful new relationship where you’re giddy and excited all the time! It’s amazing. 

I also recall having thoughts about things like, “I want to be the one who lasts with her high school sweetheart. It’s such a great story!” But mostly, I was afraid of starting over. But again, dating is so much fun.

I met my now-FI about 3 months after my other relationship ended. So I never totally did the dating around thing, but I certainly don’t have those regrets now. I’m happily in love with an amazing man, and as scary as it was to leave my ex, and as many weeks as I cried and barely ate a thing, I have no regrets. It was the great decision I ever made.

Good luck figuring this out, Bee. I think that at the least, what you need to do now is stop wedding planning and postpone. But I think the best thing for both of you would be to break up.

Post # 26
713 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
DoubleA903:  The next time you guys have some down time, tell him you two need to talk, and then break right into it.  There’s no “right or “wrong” way to do it.  It just needs to be done.  Like ripping off a BandAid.

If he has a tendency to be violent, however, you may want to make sure you keep your shoes on, have your car keys in your pocket, are closest to an exit, and that someone you know and trust is aware of what you will be doing/when/where.  These are just precautions.  You could also choose to discuss things in a more public setting as well.

When it’s all said and done, enjoy your freedom, do some maturing, meet a wonderful man a couple years down the road, and be thankful you had the courage to do what’s right now.  🙂

Post # 27
185 posts
Blushing bee

If you really feel like you need time to sort out your feelings, you should take a break from your Fiance. Don’t let your investment in him (or lack of family/friends on your end) stop you from making the best decision for YOU.

Post # 28
1641 posts
Bumble bee

The worst reason to stay with someone is because you’re “so invested”. Don’t stay just because you’re used to it, or because you’ve been together so long. The years since high school may seem like a really long time to you, but it’s nothing compared to the rest of your life.

Anger issues and communication problems are extremely serious issues. He may be improving them over time, but I would not walk down the aisle with a person who wasn’t 100% over a tendency to be violent.

If you think you’re with a good person, whom you want to spend the rest of your life with, then maybe it’s just cold feet and there’s reason to look for greener grass. But to me it sounds like he has real problems, and you are dependent on him. That’s not a healthy dynamic at all.

Post # 29
1939 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I was sure I was going to marry my high school boyfriend, but he was seriously lacking all things I needed for a husband…even if it was a few years into the future. I didn’t dump him for 8 months because I felt “invested” to him, his family, all of it. I was emotionally checked out though so when I actually dumped him, I was already over him too. I couldn’t continue to be with him when he didn’t talk to me about the future, had no motivation and no plans. 

Like you had said, it would be easier to get out of this relaitonship no than get divorced later down the line. 

Post # 30
1829 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

You shouldn’t stay with someone because they paid for things for you. I learned that the hard way. he got me out of a bad situation with my family, but we didn’t work together. 5 years wasted with him. 

I firmly believe you should explore the feelings. I would hate for them to come back when you’ve been married a while, have kids and fine you just can’t make it work. 

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