(Closed) Younger Bees, have you heard of Grass Is Greener Syndrome? Have you experienced

posted 4 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 31
Member
281 posts
Helper bee

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DoubleA903:  Hi bee. I’m 30 and to me it sounds like your thoughts and doubts are legitimate and please do not ignore them. I have a friend who is my age and met her husband during high school at age 16 I think. She went from home with parents, straight to her husband. Fast forward to now, age 30, they are getting divorced. She feels like she missed out on critical parts of growth and development as a single/independent person. I was a cheerleader in high school and at least three of the girls who married their high school boyfriends are now divorced, some with more than 2 kids and they haven’t even hit 30 yet. I’m not putting anyone down for being divorced or having children…life happens…but this makes dating more difficult & adds new challenges.

I am not saying this would happen to you, I am just giving you real life examples. I am “waiting” to be engaged to my current SO and I had my entire 20’s to go to college, date, have fun, move across the country and develop, mature while being independent the whole time. I used that time to learn about myself, who I am as a person, my beliefs values, work on my career and personal relationships. I personally, think this is a critical step and shouldn’t be skipped. You can, but you do so at your own risk. 

Since you are truly having these doubts, yes, bring it up to him. There is no easy way to have the conversation. You just have to say that something is on your mind and start explaining how you feel. Don’t worry about how your family or others will perceive this. It’s your life and you don’t want to be in your 30’s, divorced with kids. You have the chance now to evaluate your life and adjust accordingly, so take advantage of the present.

Post # 32
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5085 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

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DoubleA903:  I was with my ex from age 17-24 and it turned out he was very much like you. He had doubts and felt like he was missing something by never having lived as a single adult. Four years into our relationship, he told me his concerns and expressed the desire to spend time apart, date other people, whatever. I was crushed. After a day or two he decided that he didn’t want to do that and wanted to stay together. I was stupid for believing him and he was stupid for believing that he could change his feelings because it was too hard to break up. Two years later, he was still having the same feelings and we broke up permanently. In my experience, these feelings don’t just go away with more time. 

There is no good way to bring this up to your Fiance and chances are that he will not take it well. I think you should walk away cleanly and live your life. He deserves someone without doubts and you deserve to live and find someone you have no doubts about. 

Post # 33
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m a young bee who met my fiancé when we were, like, eight. We dated all through high school and college and I know the exact feeling you’re talking about. For me, I just have to put it in perspective and look at my big picture goals and how my husband helps me accomplish so many. I used to think it was important to move to a big city and work a crappy job and be poor because it builds character … so I was concerned about “missing out” on that experience though it’s not part of my long-term goals. So evaluating those helped. It hasn’t been about dating for me though, just life experiences – many of which I can still have with my husband anyway. Plus, even if I had dated around, I don’t think I could have found a better match for me (though I will say I don’t believe in soul mates, so it’s less complicated for me.) I think it’s normal to have some doubts like this, but your relationship has to be strong enough to have this conversation.

Post # 34
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

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DoubleA903:  Divorce is expensive and time-consuming, and a little embarrassing. I’d rather have called off the wedding, but I was too afraid to talk to him and at the time I felt horrified at the thought of what people would think. But I wish I had at least postponed it until I was ready.

Yes, we were the same age/had been together about as long as you. Definitely talk to your FI! He deserves to know if you’re having doubts, and he may be too.

Post # 35
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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DoubleA903:  These sound like real doubts, and I don’t think they’re something you should take lightly. I know lots of people will blame your age, but I’m 23 and approaching my 7 year anniversary with Darling Husband, and we’re both so excited. Since getting serious with him, I’ve never once felt like I was missing out on anything – mostly I’m just so relieved that I don’t have to deal with the dating scene ever again, especially as I get older and have other priorities. While I did go out with some other guys before we met in high school, I was DH’s first girlfriend/first kiss/first everything, and he’s always been the most solid, secure part of our relationship. I think this is definitely something you need to spend some time thinking about – have some “me” time or a girls only weekend with some friends you completely trust who could provide support but no judgement if you decide to stay.

Post # 36
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Hold up. After reading the updates you posted, I’m not so sure that my nervous feelings and yours are the same so maybe don’t take my advice. It seems like your doubts are more than “what ifs” and actual doubts about the relationship itself which is a totally different ballpark

Post # 37
Member
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

My husband and I met at 15 and 17. High school sweethearts. We got married on our 5 year anniversary and have been together 9 years this year altogether. I am 25 and he is 24. 

While neither I or my husband have had these thoughts and doubts about marriage and a life together forever, I wouldn’t ignore that feeling! Listen to your gut and go with how you feel. Think on it, bring it up with your Fiance, hopefully it can be a contructive conversation for you both and he’s open to your feelings. Good luck. Don’t feel bad for how you’re feeling; sometimes you can’t help it!

Post # 38
Member
358 posts
Helper bee

http://theodysseyonline.com/st-bonaventure/the-80-20-rule-of-relationships/328408

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DoubleA903:  I love this article and I think you should read it. I am a lot like you. I have only dated my Fiance and never had a chance to go dates with other people. I did go through this phase of “the grass is greener on the other side” and wondered if I missed out on not dating other guys. I would see other guys and think things like… “I wonder what it would be like if I dated him, would I be happier?” thoughts like that. I read this article and It made me put my relationship into perspective… At least reading it helped for me! I think it is normal for younger bees who get engaged early to have those feelings and thoughts. 

That being said, I am very glad I stayed with my Fiance. Now I cannot imagine myself with anyone else or see myself as happy as I am now with anyone else. 

 

Post # 39
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee

I could have written your post 7 years ago when I was about to get married. I was also 23 and he and I had been together since we were 17.  I ignored all the feelings and to be honest in the months after the wedding he really grew and matured and I was excited about the man he was becoming.

Exactly one week before our anniversary he told me he was done – I was literally blindsided but a few weeks later I was almost relieved.  If I could turn back, I would have brought up my feelings when I felt them rather than letting them pass.  We might have save ourselves and families a whole lot of money….

Don’t ignore the feelings you have and DEFINITELY talk to Fiance – if you can’t talk to him about how you’re feeling then you certinaly shouldn’t be marrying him!

Post # 40
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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DoubleA903:  This sounds like a very one sided relationship and you are dependent on him for everything. You guys share all the same friends (do you not have any girlfriends you go out with without your FI)? His family is your family and he has financially supported you.  I really, really think you need to listen to your gut and if he is holding support over you, he’s not exactly ready to get married either.

To answer your original question, I dated a guy from age 20 (met in college) until age 26.  There were times when we were together that I used to wonder if I would regret “settling” for him and if I should date more.  We wound up breaking up not because I wanted to date more, but it turned out we were on different pages.  The risk you run when you start dating someone at a young age is that you don’t grow together at the same pace.  Now some couples do, but honestly, at least in my circle of friends, only one friend married a guy she dated in college – and they didn’t even date straight through – they broke up after college and got back together years later.  None of my friends have married their high school sweethearts.

You also should never stay with someone because you have invested so much time into the relationship.  That’s exactly why I stayed with my college boyfriend for so long.  I was afraid to start over – yes, the thought it scary, but I found that the thought of being alone was much scarier than the reality.

You have some legitimate concerns and if you’re going to marry someone, you need to have the tough talks.

Post # 41
Member
7595 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

In terms of “how” to do it, it honestly doesn’t matter. With these types of things, once you convey the message, the message itself is all that matters, not how you package it.

I know how scary this is. I’ve been trying to work up the courage for a few months to tell my parents some news that will be very hard for them to hear. It’s a different situation, but I totally know the feeling of dread about opening this kind of pandora’s box. But ultimately as PP said you just have to rip off the bandaid and put it out there.

You mentioned that you think your Fiance will immediately want to call off the wedding when you tell him you’re having doubts. While I think this type of black and white outlook is immature, in my mind, it makes it even more important for you to tell him. You don’t want to walk down the aisle holding a secret that may have caused your partner to break up with you. That is not a foundation to build a marriage on.

Post # 43
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I still sometimes feel like this and yet before I met Darling Husband at 21 I didn’t exactly lead a sheltered life! I love him but I also like to lead my own life too. We try not to be too wrapped up in each other. You said you liked having some space to yourself that is fine within a relationship, also noticing people checking you out is fine and you can have a quick window shop at other men too as long as you are only looking in the window not pressing yourself up against it drooling ;). I do think the grass always looks greener and things like facebook don’t help. I always see my single friends out partying on facebook and think I miss that but then I remember that this is only showing the good side of it. No one post the horrible bits! Sometimes I miss going to a bar and having men try and pick me up because it was entertaining and an ego boost but then I think about how on the sunday i’d have a pounding hangover and normally trying to find something i’d lost while drunk and prefer my sundays now!

Post # 44
Hostess
1563 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Oh honey, I am sorry you are feeling this way, but I’m glad you’ve decided to talk to him. The thing is, if you are not able to talk to your partner about things that are concerning you, especially when the issue bothering you has to do with your relationship, it’s not marriage time.  As far as how to bring it up, I would just make sure it’s a good time to talk, tell him there have been a lot of things on your mind lately, share your feelings and then ask him if he’s ever felt the same things. Just stay calm and express your feelings and hopefully he will be able to do the same. I wish you all the best.  It’s never easy to start over, but it’s even harder to betray yourself and stay in an unhappy marriage , I promise.

Post # 45
Member
11404 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Can you be more specific about the anger issues he has struggled with? I feel like your response could potentially impact the advice you’re getting pretty drastically.

the reason I ask is you seem afraid to bring this up to him, afraid of his reaction, and you’ve stated he might call the whole thing off in reaction to your feelings. That’s not how this is supposed to work. It troubles me that you fear this punitive response from him over sharing your feelings. 

No one wants to hear these things, but I had doubts that I wanted to get engaged for a long time and Fiance always listens to me. This single act of allowing me room to have my own feelings really distinguished him from others I’ve been with. I want you to be with someone who cares about how you feel enough to hear you out without punishing you because your feelings are not 100% positive. 

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