(Closed) Younger Bees, have you heard of Grass Is Greener Syndrome? Have you experienced

posted 5 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 46
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I think you should be straightforward when you talk, don’t beat around the bush. Tell him how you are feeling, that you don’t think you want to get married. Get it all off your chest.

Post # 47
Member
9758 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I was with my ex for 7 years. We got together in highschool and split in our early twenties because, duh, he had never gotten to “experience life” and “sow his oats”. Which, he was sowing while we were together I might add.

It turned out to be the best thing that ever happned as I was able to grow as a person and meet Fiance. Had I not had the experience of that shitty relationship I don’t think my current relationship would be as strong.

Post # 48
Member
22 posts
Newbee

I had the same thing, and so did my fiance’s brother’s fiance (my future “sister” in-law). We are both 23 and will be married at 25. Both of us have never been single for very long since in high school. My Fiance and I talked about it and decided to take premarital counseling. It did wounders! I HIGHLY recommend it! We did the SYMBIS class too. I would recommend the SYMBIS class since a private counselour can be pricey (around $140/session for ours). SYMBIS WEBSITE

Post # 49
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Sounds like you need to decide if this is a “Grass is Greener” situation or an incompatible relationship.

Grass is greener basically means that things look BETTER over on “the other side” making what you have seem suddenly sub-standard. E.g. you can have a really nice brand new Toyota Camry that suits you well, gets you from point A to point B in comfort, and you were really excited about it but if your neighbor comes home with a Tesla…well…that Camry starts looking shabby. That’s Grass is Greener. 

Incompatible is when your car is broken down. Doesn’t matter what your neighbor has, at the end of the day, your car won’t run. 

In your situation, if Grass is Greener syndrome is occurring, then Fiance is a good match for you but the lure of the unknown/billion other available men globally is making you question if you can’t do better. This is a dangerous mindset as it can lead to great opportunities being over looked in hopes of the illusive “perfect match”.

The only way to differentiate is to do some soul searching. Does this relationship feel like a partnership where you’re working together? Does it feel like the two of you are equals striving in the same direction? It doesn’t matter if you disagree sometimes (it’s healthy) as long as you feel that disagreements are effectively managed with communication, openness, and respect. Do you feel like he brings out the good in you and helps you improve your “character flaws” (we all have them!).

Marriage is a HUGE commitment. I think it’s totally normal for anyone going into such an institution to question “is this really the right decision” — it’s foolish not to. I was a bit freaked about the idea that I was binding myself to this person in a legal partnership for the supposed rest of my life. However when I thought through what I felt I needed in a partner, what weakness I saw in our current relationship, what I hoped for in my future — I felt that my chances of happiness with him looked really really good. I decided there is no perfect soul-mate (it helps that don’t believe in “the one”) and that I wanted to roll the dice with him — the future will always be a gamble, the best you can do is make as informed a decision as possible.

Good luck. This is a situation that only you can really feel out, but hearing the experiences of others is always valuable. Why learn hard lessons yourself when the takeaway can be gleaned from other’s experiences? ūüėÄ 

Post # 51
Member
372 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

You need to look out for what is best for you.  Be simple and direct when you bring up the conversation, be careful of being too specific (incase the conversation gets derailed, or he may gaslight, depending on his temperment/way of reacting). This is going to be an emotionally escalating situation, so be sure to always protect yourself, not just physically but emotionally too. You do not always have to JADE (Justify, argue, defend, or explain), if he pushes for more information during the conversation, just stick to the simple and direct statements. GL Bee!

Post # 53
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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DoubleA903:  yeah, I can imagine typing that all out was clarifying. I realize you say he’s improved in some areas, but let’s put that aside because we don’t grade for a life partner on a curve. 

The question is, do you feel safe and able to express disagreement, do you feel respected and cherished, do you feel like you are ok to be you, not just okay, but that he loves who you are. 

I heard a lot of flinching in your description of his outbursts. Like you pre-flinch away now and avoid things or flinch in anticipation of his temper. 

Thats not the way you should feel in your home. I can definitely see why a major part of you is scared about marrying him at the point. 

Post # 54
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Single life sucked. At least for me. Especially after my divorce as a single mom. I did enjoy living alone but it got lonely after a while. The single life isn’t all it’s chalked up to be unless you really embrace it and commit to living to the fullest. 

Post # 56
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

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DoubleA903:  Sorry to hear you are feeling like this, there is a lot of great advice on here already so I won’t repeat. I once read on the Bee “Do you trust the 15 year old you to choose who you spend the rest of your life with?” And I think that has a lot of meaning to it. Some high school sweethearts grow together and some grow apart. I think those grow apart find themselves with lasting ‘grass is greener syndrome’. I have been with Fiance for 8 years and I am 25 and there is no doubt in my mind abut us. I think you are being very honest and not a lot of people would have the courage to say these things out loud. You mentioned having kids one day, do you really want this man to be the father of your children? Is he going to support you the best way possible? Only you can answer Bee x

Post # 57
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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DoubleA903:  I could have written this a few years ago. I was with my high school BF from the time that we were 14 until we were 20. The last 2-3 years of our relationship I felt like something was wrong – like maybe I was missing out on something. I couldn’t really put my finger on what was I was missing or why I felt the way I did. Unfortunately the feeling never went away. It always came back. He was a great guy and that made it so much harder to find the courage to end the relationship. We weren’t engaged but our lives were very intertwined and we knew each other’s families very well. I felt like I was letting everyone down by ending the relationship.

There’s never a good way to bring this stuff up but it has to be done. I married my DH and have never had the “grass is greener” feeling about him. Sure I had moments when I thought “Wow, I’m going to be with this guy for the rest of my life” but it’s different. I’ve never felt like I’m missing out.

Good luck bee!

Post # 58
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I had grass is greener syndrome with my 2 exes pretty bad, which is why I ended those relationships. With my Fiance, I have occasional moments of “holy shit, x habit of his is so irritating (snoring/messiness/etc), how am I gonna cope with this for my entire life???” but it’s fleeting, and never once have I thought, “what if someone better is out there?” I have been around the block lol, and while the idea of marriage IS kind of scary (it’s a lifetime commitment!), I cannot imagine anyone better for me. It is such a relief to have that kind of conviction.

Post # 59
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Please, please listen to your gut.”The Grass is Greener” is not the biggest issue here. Listening to you describe his anger issues sounded so familiar to me, because I used to be in a relationship like that. Not the same situation, of a high school sweetheart, but someone I was with for 3.5 years and was scared to leave for fear of having to start over. In that time, he acted very much the same way your fiance is, and I could excuse it away because he “loved” me, but deep down I knew that when we got married (because yes I actually considered marrying this jerk, and thankfully we were never actually engaged), I would still be unhappy. I was never physically abused, but verbal abuse is a very real, very damaging thing. And actually, one day it did sort of escalate. He never hit me, but he did grab my arm and pushed me. I was so shocked that it took me about another month before I ended it because again, I was so fearful of starting over. I started over, and now I am 29 and happily engaged to a man that is incredibly good to me, who makes me not have to wonder what life would be like with other people. I wouldn’t change a single part of what led me to where I am. I’m “older” than a lot of people I know who are married, but I’m also a lot happier. It took a long time to unravel the damage he had done, but I knew I deserved better. It’s sad that it took him getting physical for me to realize that, but thankfully I did. You deserve better.

Post # 60
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’m similar in a lot of ways.

Fiance and I are both 23 (He is 24 this friday!). Fiance has had some dates before, but he was my first. First kiss, first (real) date, first love. And although I wasn’t his first kiss, I was also his first for a lot of things – first love, first REAL relationship. We are also getting married soon (2-3 months)

When we got engaged I was so happy! I was a little worried that people would think we were too young but I didn’t really care. It was actually someone else that told me “Really? you’re just going to date one guy and get married? don’t you want to try out other guys?” (she casually dates a lot…) But from the start I never really wanted to “casually date” even in High School I think I never got into relationships because I wanted something real from the start. I saw no point in dating someone that wasn’t husband material.

So I did start to think “Is there someone else out there for me?” “Am I missing out on valuable life¬†experiences?” So when I thought that way I was worried but then I thought about my Fiance and those thoughts changed into “There is no guy out there, No guy I have EVER met that is even half as perfect (for me)¬†as my FI” and “I may not have the same experiences as some of my friends but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t as valuable, just different and that’s okay”

At one point I did talk with Fiance (before we got engaged) and he was a little mad, it sounds like our FIs are the same in just seeing Black and White but it did help to talk through it with each other.

Only you know your situation and feelings the best. At the end of the day you need to do what is best for you. I was able to get out of that thought process and sometimes I do still have little doubts but never for very long…okay¬†never longer than half a day or something and that’s usually because Fiance made me mad and I¬†think “do I want to put up with this forever?” (but in the end I do, he may be annoying sometimes but he is my annoying person that I love)

 

It sounds like you are having a little more than just small doubts? It sounds like there are other issues that need to be sorted out too. I’m also getting the impression that both of you felt “pressured” into getting engaged and that scares me. Just in my personal observations, those that felt pressured to get married (from each other or by other people) are now divorced. Again, it’s just a personal oberservation that I have made and may not be true in every situtation.

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