(Closed) Younger Bees, have you heard of Grass Is Greener Syndrome? Have you experienced

posted 6 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 62
Member
713 posts
Busy bee

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DoubleA903:  You seriously just need to bring things up to him.  Nothing will change, notihng will improve, and you’ll continue to feel like crap until you do so.  Your lack of taking charge shows your immaturity and just why you shouldn’t be getting married at such a young age.  You need to take care of this problem, move on with your life, do some maturing, then think about plannig a future with a better match.

Post # 63
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee

I’ve never had grass-is-greener syndrome with regard to my relationship. Other things, sure… what if we lived in a different city, what if I had chosen a different career, what if I had picked a different college major, etc. I’m 28 and have been in two serious relationships with two guys for the last decade-plus, with a break of about a year in between, so I’ve had little or no casual dating life. I think it helps that most of my close friends were single for several years after I started dating my Fiance (all in happy, serious relationships now, yay!), and I used to hear all their horror stories about being single in New York. Attention from a new guy is fun for a few minutes or days or weeks, but the disappointment and frustration when it doesn’t go anywhere is not. So yeah, I feel lucky to have found my life partner early on in life, we are a great fit, and I don’t feel I missed out by not dating a variety of people.

Post # 64
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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tiffanybruiser:  I agree with what she said, OP. When you imagine postponing or cancelling, how do you feel? Upset or relieved?

Post # 65
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’ll add that I felt this during a 4+ year relationship with my ex boyfriend. It turned out that the relationship wasn’t right for me, even though he’s a great guy with a lot of wonderful qualities, who will be a wonderful husband…to someone else.

Eventually I broke up with the ex, met my husband, and got married. In this relationship I very occasionally wonder about greener grass, but it passes in a few seconds and I feel confident that I’m with the right guy. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by hellohedwig.
Post # 67
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Well here’s the thing…you keep on pushing this back.  “Today is our anniversary, so I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”  “We are having family over so I’ll talk to him on Monday.”

I haven’t commented on your post yet but here are my thoughts: you are afraid to “start over”.  You are afraid of leaving the life you have known for so long.  This is more than “the grass is greener”. Way more.  And the more I’ve read on this post the more I see that you are confused right now.  Plus your view of love and what it takes for marriage to be successful is very…I don’t mean this in a negative way so please do not take it that way…juvenile.  I think you recognize that there are a lot of things that aren’t quite right, but I also think you feel like you “owe” him and you “should” get married because your lives are so intertwined.

I do get it.  I was TERRIFIED of starting over when I broke up with my first serious boyfriend.  But breaking things off with him also gave me a chance to be my own person and live my own life.  Breaking up with him also eventually led me to my now husband, a man who is so much better for me than my ex ever was.

Be honest with yourself and be honest with him.  Don’t keep prolonging this conversation.

Post # 69
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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DoubleA903:  “But I feel upset because I’m going to hurt Fiance and possibly lose everything I have with him.”

You’re upset cause you will hurt him, and cause you’ll lose what you have WITH him, but nowhere do you say you’re upset about losing HIM. This is very telling. 

The fact that any part of starting new is “exciting” for you is also telling. You should be excited about starting your life with your Fiance and horrified at the idea of not having him in your life. You feel the opposite so please do yourself and your Fiance a favor and act accordingly!

Post # 70
Bee
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016 - New Hope Presbyterian Church/Graystone Quarry

I’m 23, too. My fiance is turning 22 right after the wedding. We started dating when we were 17 and 15, and survived my long-distance move to college. We started to worry about the exact same thing as you during my senior year, and took a break from our relationship. We both saw other people during that time. I think it helped us realize we really are better together, and I don’t necessarily regret taking the break, but I know that it was sort of pointless seeing as how it took time away from our relationship and we ended up choosing each other again anyway. In some ways though, I think it helped us grow.

You should have an honest conversation with your fiance. Chances are, he might feel the same way. Then you can go from there as far as what you’d like to do next. I think breaks can be healthy, but sometimes all it takes is a conversation with each other.

Post # 71
Member
8674 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

any time I’ve felt like that, it’s eventaully ended in breakup.. sometimes months (or even over a year) after it started.. but eventually it gets teh better of me.  And every time, I’ve been happier single (after being an emotional wreck because breaking up with someone who you’ve shared so much with, and who you obviously care for, and who obviously hasn’t done anything wrong, is very upsetting).

I’m really glad I did that though.. or else I’d still be with them, likely still wondering, and not with my Fiance. 

I’m not saying this means you have to break up with him now, just saying.. I’m not sure it’ll work itself out.

Post # 72
Member
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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DoubleA903:  just ask yourself if you’d be more happy with your ‘freedom’ or with him?! you ARE very young and I cannot even imagine only being with one person.. however if you truly love him you will likely regret throwing everything away!

Post # 73
Member
4134 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

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DoubleA903:  I don’t know that his anger problems are that big of a deal, considering he’s only 23. It sounds like he is a little immature and has a really hard time dealing with frustration. I used to have a hard time with that too, but getting older really helped. The part of your brain that controls foresight isn’t even fully developed until 25, and that has a lot to do with arguments and other behavior management.

That said, I can relate to your situation. I got married at 23 to my high school sweetheart, too. I also experienced a lot of the same doubtful thoughts- I had been with him through all of my formative years, so what if I just didn’t know that I was missing out on something better? What if being single was amazing? What if I didn’t really know myself? In my situation, I got married anyway, but it was because it was a logical decision. I do love him and I’m attracted to him, but he’s also a great provider, he will make an amazing father, and his family is great. If I had left him to experience myself, I would just be looking for someone else like him.

It’s been almost three years since I got married, and I actually have a great deal of independence within my marriage. My biggest factor in being happy with that decision is that you really can’t have everything with any major decision. You can’t be single until 29 but also celebrate your 50th anniversary before your 75th birthday. You can’t keep your current job and move to a new one. You can’t live where you do now and move to a new place. Both paths have merits, and downsides. 

For me, it really depended on whether my life with him was the one I wanted anyway. Deciding that it was made getting married really easy.

Do you guys want the same things in life? Are you happy with his intelligence, work ethic and ambition? Does he support your goals? Is he making an effort to grow up more and control his emotions? If you broke up, and you dated someone else, what would you be looking for in that guy?

One last thing I want to say is that had I decided not to get married, my life would have been different, but I would be fine. I’d have gotten a full time job somewhere, maybe moved to a different city, but I really would be fine. So would he. We both would have found someone else. 

 

Post # 74
Member
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

There will never be a right time to do this. I get why you are putting it off, but lying and playing the happy couple for family this weekend is not a great idea. You need to tell him. 

And I just have to point out that you’re not happy now. You are so afraid of losing him and what you have supposedly got, but you just said yourself you’re not even happy to be at home with him. He knows how bad things are because you are so unhappy. The only thing you have to lose is the official status of being in a relationship. You’ve already lost the love and happiness.

Post # 75
Member
4811 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I have not read all the replies. I am sure you have got some great advice already.

But reading the first few of YOUR responses, my impression is this is more about codependency and fear of “starting over” or of the uncertainty of what your life will look like without him and his family, than well, a fear about giving up a truly loving, healthy, partnership. I am very concerned about what you describe about his anger issues, and even when you say they are “better” that is not exactly giving me the warm fuzzies, and that you are scared to talk to him is telling too.

I did not marry my high school sweetheart. I would say I actually had a couple high school sweethearts as I started dating pretty early. Both meant a lot to me. But, I am also very, very happy that we did end things when we did, that we did not stay together and get married. I don’t think I would have been happy, and I know I would have missed out on a lot including a lot of personal growth. Being on your own is not just about partying and dating random men as some seem to believe (though can be fun too, and a good experience for many) but really getting to know YOU and what you need and want in your life and in a relationship (and what you don’t). I did date a few people in my 20s, but I also traveled, tried a few different jobs, lived on my own, moved, went back to school again, had some great relationships, some sad breakups, a few casual dating experiences, and one-time only dates, made and lost friends, and when I met my now-husband at 29, I absolutely knew he was the one for me, and I absolutely knew we had something very special…and he had done a lot of his own journeying before he met me at 34, and we both felt ready for a life together. I have never had any doubts in the years we have been together he is the one for me.

Here is the thing, you should also be able to talk to each other about EVERYTHING. Yes, including when you are feeling uncertain, or concerned about things going on. You can do it respectfully, but you should also expect respect in return, and while it might be scary you should not be scared. That you seem fearful enough to talk to him that you would rather plod ahead and get married is very concerning to me. 

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