(Closed) Younger Bees, have you heard of Grass Is Greener Syndrome? Have you experienced

posted 6 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 76
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Remember that you both deserve to be with someone who is 100%. Staying with him for the sake of his feelings is a cruel thing to do if he ends up with a wife who’s not fully in love with him. That shift in perspective has helped me in the past, and I hope it can help you too. 

Post # 78
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

That update absolutely proves that this is not a relationship you need to be in. 

To keep my response short: Don’t worry about making a big statement. Just do what you need to do, which seriously is to get out of this relationship. You need to tell him that. Even if he is yelling about laundry, you can say the words “It’s over.” 

If you need to get out of the house right now, go. What’s your goal here? If it’s to tell him your feelings you may be best off writing a letter because he isn’t going to listen. IMO, he knows what’s coming and is avoiding it. If it’s to break up with him, just keep it short and simple.

Decide what your ultimate goal is here and pick the quickest path to it. Personally I do not believe anything is going to be solved by a conversation at this point, especially not tonight. I think you should tell him you are sorry but you’re done and be prepared to stay somewhere else tonight.

But whatever you decide, please don’t put it off any longer. He’s pissed, you’re not eating… Your procrastination is hurting both of you.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by lovelyruby.
Post # 80
877 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

In some ways, your relationship reminds me of my first boyfriend from the age of 14-21.  The fights, the communication break downs, etc.  Luckily, he made some bad life choices that prevented us from getting married, otherwise I’d have a divorce under my belt right now.  By the time we broke up, we just realized that the two people that were compatible when they met were no longer compatible and hadn’t been for some time.

I was terriified like you because he was all I knew and I still loved him and I had no idea what to do with myself after that but after a few months, I realized that life moves on and gradually started getting back out there.  From the age of 21-25, I had 1 long term relationship, 1 short term and a dating spree of about 6 months before I met my now Fiance and since meeting him, I have never looked back and can’t believe how happy I am right now at my very young age of 30. It’s crazy to me how an 8 year relationship seems like it never existed at this moment.

It sounds like you two have grown apart into very different people and I urge you not to hold onto time invested or past good memories as a reason to move forward with a wedding. If he wont listen to you and respect your feelings, then this is not a person you want to marry, let alone stay with any longer.  You are so very very young and have so much life and happiness ahead of you. I urge you not to waste anymore time in a relationship that seems to be going around in a vicious circle. I hope you will have the strength and courage to make the best decision for yourself.

Post # 82
234 posts
Helper bee

Deleted: saw update, didn’t think comment was relevant at this point

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by ImTheBoss.
Post # 83
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

My parents have been together since they were 14 & 15. They got married at 20 and had me at 23 and will be together for many more years. I’m 23 and I met Fiance 5 years ago. I had a pretty promiscuous youth, although, I didn’t date around too much I was pretty convinced I wanted to settle down as soon as i found the right person. I’ve never wanted to be out there or date guys. I think, that you think you’ve missed out on something you should have, and the idea of it may seem alluring but the grass would definitely not be greener. Your really not missing anything, think of all the years you have had with your soulmate that other people dont get, I’m sure a lot of bees here would have loved to meet their man earlier so they could start the rest of their lives together earlier.

Post # 84
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I’m 24 this Sunday. I started dating a high school boyfriend at 16. We broke up when I was 18. I had chosen not to even apply to colleges I wanted to attend so we’d have a better shot at staying together, but then I got so resentful. So after a month and a half of being apart and me desperately trying to get back together we did.

The next three years were okay. We had some good times, but ultimately that resentment never went away. Even though I had fought to get back together it was really to justify my big life decisions that I had made with him in mind. This wasn’t reciprocated. For example, he bought a motorcycle without talking to me about it, but then claimed he couldn’t afford to save up and move in together.

Eventually there was no grass on my side and fields of wild flowers I could be happy in instead. I broke up with him when I was 21. I traveled, started new hobbies, made new friends, did what made me happy.

I casually dated some too, but when my fiancé asked me out I was hesitant to say yes to even coffee because I had this feeling he was different. It felt like it could be serious and I had to take the time to decide if I was ready for that. Once I gave it a shot I was happy I did. I never feel like I’m missing out on anything and I want to do something he’s my biggest supporter. Im happy I had the time to be myself at my best before meeting him so that I can be my best with him. 

Post # 85
273 posts
Helper bee

– Deleted first comments – I’m sorry you got into a fight with him, thats horrible… Anger isn’t good  in any relationship. Is he always like that?

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by missmetal666.
Post # 86
2260 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
DoubleA903:  I’m so glad you are figuring this out now and not after the wedding.  Based on his behavior over the past few days, it really sounds like he isn’t mature enough for marriage, and your personalities just aren’t matched very well.  It sounds so hard, but I think you really need to leave.  I’m so sorry you are going through this!

Post # 88
2260 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
DoubleA903:  Oh! Don’t blame yourself!!  I can easily see how you ended up in your position.  Hindsight is 20/20, but you started dating so long ago, and you leaned on him for so much, I can totally see how you let it continue on for longer than might have been best.  Just be proud of that you are standing up for yourself now!

Post # 89
1171 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I was in a terrible relationship when I was your age.  It started off good and on paper, we were perfect for each other.  Separately, we were better people.  But we were engaged and he had helped support me while I was in school.  We were both afraid to end it.  

Eventually we did.  It was the best decision for both of us.  We are both married to other people now.  It seemed like the hardest decision to make at the time even though it seemed like we were always fighting and unhappy.  And it was hard immediately after.  But it was the best for both of us. 

Post # 90
83 posts
Worker bee

I’m 23. We fell in love at 16, dated at 19, married at 20 and 21. We never dated anyone else… Never had sex with anyone else. Our relationship is pretty pure. And it’s the freshest breath of air for both of us.

After reading your story I HAD to comment. Everyone in this website seems to go with the “bandwagon effect.” I’m a philosophy major, it’s a real thing – a logical fallacy… Look it up. Everyone seems to be telling you to dumb this guy fast!!!!! However… Seems to me he’s been pretty patient with you this week. You’ve been a headache for him. 

It’s natural to like when guys notice you… You shouldn’t really care, but you’re not married yet so your bonds aren’t as tight yet. 

I think you’re just afraid. And you feel like oh snap! I could have, could have, could have. The grass is never greener on the other side. Now, if your fiancé is being abusive – get out! Seem to me he was pretty patient with you. Try telling your best buff girlfriend you think you wasted your life with her and want better friends and new adventures. I’m not sure they would want to be around you either. 

So I can’t say marry or not marry him. But I think you’re just looking for some attention or affirmation (both normal and ok) but don’t listen to the people on here. Talk to someone real… Not someone who’s miserable with their life so they’re reading these boards and tryjng to convince you how miserable you are. 

Just my two cents.

oh, and I’m a military spouse so there is a bit more tension to our relationship… I didn’t get to pursue my career, I don’t live by the people I love… But I am so happy. 

Do some soul searching before making a choice. Cry in your financès arms. Do you really want to give him up? 

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