Post # 17
I know how you feel. My 18 year old brother announced his was expecting with his girlfriend, I was a little upset, but okay. My 21 year old brother just announced his is expecting with his now fiancee (they announced the engagement and pregnancy on the same day) I was very upset by this. My two younger brothers are having children before me and Fiance and I won’t start trying for a family until a year out from the wedding. I just feel like they’re bypassing me and my mom is more excited about the babies than she ever was about the wedding. She never calls to chat about wedding plans, always about the babies.
Then, to make matters worse my 21 year old brother announced a wedding date in May. Crushed. Since they were having kids before me, I expected to at least make it to the alter first. Everyone in my family keeps telling me I shouldn’t be upset because they are going to the courthouse, but it makes me feel worse. I know I’m being a brat, but it’s just how I feel.
It’s always hard dealing with a younger sibling making it to certain stages before you do because it’s expected from an early age that the oldest will get married and start a family first, kind of a birthright that’s been taken away. It’s working backwards in my family (at least on my mom’s side…my mom and dad are divorced and I have younger half-siblings on my dad’s side)
Post # 18
@isilme, I was reading your last post, wow, how sad, you shouldnt ever have to resign yourself to something it sounds like it makes you sad, you can take control, if you want marriage then you will get married, maybe to your SO maybe to someone else, but never resign yourself to something because you feel that’s an option, if you want to be happy you will be happy; we make our own fate as women we can choose to be a non-marrying or a marrying situation, we cannot make people propose but we can choose to put ourselves in a position to marry or not; if you really want to get married you will, trust me, dont ever settle for anything less if that is truly what you want; dont fool yourself sounds like you want to marry SO, but do you really want to be with someone for the remainder of your life who wouldnt want to put a ring on your finger, that would be very sad, I dont know, dont ever settle for anything less than you deserve
sorry I’m just a firm believer you will get what you really want if you really want it
Post # 19
I’m really sorry you’re going through this – I know you’ve been having a hard time lately with waiting especially after the recent discussion with your SO. I just wanted to tell you you’re not alone and that the feeling will pass.
My younger sister got engaged last year and while I was truly happy for her – I was really upset that my SO hadn’t done it as yet (and still hasn’t!). But I was mostly upset about what other ppl would think and say to me about my younger sister “beating me down the isle”. Someone actually wrote that on my FB too – asking if my younger sister was going to beat me down the isle. I got a guy asking me if me and my sister are in competition to get married and if I get engaged soon will I try to “one-up” her at my wedding. A lot of ppl asked me when my turn would come and I could tell that whenever wedding stuff for my sister came up, ppl got kind of uncomfortable as if I would be offended by talking about it. I just acted normal though – I was still excited for my sister. Her relationship has nothing to do with mine.
So yea – you will probably get a lot of ppl questioning you about when your turn will be, as I did. I just held my head high and laughed it off and acted as if it didn’t faze me – and eventually it didn’t. I stopped caring about what other ppl think and what other ppl say because they don’t know my relationship. Everybody’s relationship is different regardless of age. It’s been over a year since she got engaged and I very rarely get asked when it’s my turn now.
I know your situation is more complex than mine – but I just wanted to let you know that it’s ok to have these feelings – you can’t help how you feel and also that it will pass. Take care hun!
Post # 20
It made me feel better just reading your post and knowing that it is true that this all will pass in time. This feeling I have won’t last forever, and that is reassuring to know. I will do what you did–just hold my head up and not make a big deal out of it, so hopefully others won’t either.
I think that hardest part of all this is that I know July is a turning point in my relationship–either I’ll be engaged or I’ll be walking. I simply won’t go on longer waiting indefinitely for something to happen. It makes me sad to think that my relationship might end while at the same time my brother will be getting married. But I’m trying not to think too much about it. Thanks for your upport.
Post # 21
@Shirinjoon: I think avoiding them is the worst thing you can do, based on my experience with my now-SIL. It makes them assume you’re upset with THEM and taking it out on them by avoiding them at all costs – if you just talk to your brother and his fiance and let them know that you obviously are upset, but not AT them, and that you are genuinely happy for them even if you can’t sort out the competing feelings, just reassure them that it’s not them… by avoiding them as much as possible, it sends the wrong message, unless you’ve had the right conversations first. It sounds like you’ve talked to your SO and communication can’t get much more on that front, but taking the step to communicate with your brother and his fiance would probably make a world of difference to them and maybe to you too, getting it off your chest.
Post # 22
I meant avoiding them in the sense that I won’t make a conscious effort to sit around and talk to them about weddings. I will be nice and cordial but once wedding talk starts I will find a nice way to duck out. As it is I rarely see them so they won’t think it’s strange that I’m not around that much.
Post # 23
What’s even more ridiculous is that my family is meeting her family soon–something I wanted so badly to happen for me and SO.
I guess its’ the way the world works–I want something so badly for myself, but it happens for someone else.
Post # 24
My little brother got married about a year ago and during the time, it was hard for me. I never let my brother know about it, because I wanted him to be happy and I loved the girl he was marrying. I think I just had the hardest time because I really wanted my BF (at the time) to propose and the wait was killing me.
I talked it over with my mom…who is always super helpful in rationalizing everything enough to calm me down. I just love Mom!!! She helped me realize that my brother and I were in two totally different stages in our lives. He had tried the whole college thing, but it didnt’ quite work for him, so he joined the coast guard. I, on the other hand, had gone through two college degrees, so I was just starting my “adult” life. It made sense that he was much more ready to be married than I was.
The wedding was awesome! and my brother and his wife are super happy together!
Post # 25
@Shirinjoon: OMG, your story is exactly like my life. My younger brother got married and now owns a house. Me? I’m 30 (almost 31) still living in an apartment, and with a boyfriend for almost 4 years. I felt like CRAP at my bro’s wedding. Sure, I was happy for him, but at the same time I felt like everyone was staring at me, wondering why I wasn’t engaged yet. When we were standing in the recieving line (I was in the wedding party), I’d say about 70% of the people who passed me said something along the lines of “You’re next!!” or “When are YOU getting married??”
Ya. That felt FANTASTIC. Kick me while I’m down. I’m the ONLY ONE in my family who is not married, and it makes me feel like everyone thinks that something is wrong with me, because no one wants to marry me. So I feel your pain. Hang in there. Pretty soon you’ll be able to make smart comments to those who give you looks of pity. And they’ll regret bugging you about not being married. It could be worse… My dad had to call each one of my relatives to tell them to STOP pestering me about marriage. It got THAT bad. My b/f, J, almost had to threaten my uncle cuz it got so bad.
Post # 26
So, I’m confused about something. How come his parents were able to meet his brother’s fiance’s family but it’s impossible for your guy to arrange the same for you? I thought I remembered you saying that it was a financial thing on their end since they lived outside the country. But they could meet her family? Why not yours?
I’m sorry this is turning out to be such a tough situation. But it sounds like you’ve done everything you can do and you’ve handled it really well. You’re being supportive, you’ve communicated your desires and concerns to your SO. I can just hope that everything takes a turn for the better. SOON. 🙂 Good luck!!!
Post # 27
What you wrote really resonated with me & I thought it was a really good description of the situation a lot of us find ourselves in when we’re ‘more ready’ than the men we’ve devoted our lives to. I’m definitely going to refer back to what you wrote when I’m frustrated in my own situation. I don’t think that being in a place with the three options you mentioned lasts forever, and I don’t think you will have to conciously choose one. I think it’s more that in your life, one of the three will just happen. Good luck!
I think Shirinjoon’s family are around & they met her brother’s girlfriend (now fiancee). I think the issue is that Shirinjoon’s boyfriend’s family is in another country and can’t really come to meet her family in the US right now. (and it’s important to her boyfriend that the families meet before or around the time he proposes)
Although it’s not ideal I think it’s nice of your boyfriend to say that he has no uncertainty about what will happen with the two of you. July seems pretty soon so I hope he has enough time to get everything in order!
Post # 29
I’m sorry, I’m not such a firm believer in the idea that if I want to be married, I just need to go ‘shopping’ until I find the right guy. I found him, he’s just gots lots of reservations (some founded, some are BS) about marraige. He’s 34, I’m 34, I’ve spent the majority of my adult life with this person I love, and leaving would simply reaffirm his belief that it’s all about a ring and a wedding and not him, I want. If I want him, I stay and let him hopefully surprise me, or I manage to kill off that desire. If I leave him, I didn’t want him in the first place. Also, I’ve had too much happen to believe that my will alone can shape the future when it depends on other people. I have to depend on them to get their act together, and frequently they simply can’t or won’t.
Also, I don’t treat the brother and his Fiance differently, and I can’t admit to them that their happiness has made me upset – not because of them, but because I have yet to feel that for myself. Also, who would like to hear from anyone that their engagement has upset them? I’ve seen pleny of posts on this board alone where soon-to-be-brides are hurt that a friend or relative can’t feel ecstatic for them, for whatever reason. It just adds to the hurt all around. Finding ways to avoid wedding talk if you know you might react badly, make a sad face or not be in complete control is really the best thing to do – being busy is forgivealbe, looking sad/angry is not so much. If you are not someone who can maintain a mask and ‘fake it till you make it’, I have to agree with Shirinjoon on her strategy to deal with the situation.
Post # 30
It’s my brother who’s getting married, not my SO’s brother. I meant that my family will be meeting my soon to be SIL’s family. So that’s why it’s tough for me because I always thought that something like this would happen for me first.
Post # 31
I can empathize. I had been with my SO (currently my FI) for three years when my younger sister met her husband. They were engaged within weeks and were expecting within months. It was so beautiful to see, but at the same time I’m thinking, wait, I’m the older sister and I’ve been with my SO for years! I felt some inadequacy, to say the least. This intensified my expectations of a proposal, and put more pressure on my Fiance. Oh, there were fights. In the end, I had to accept the fact that some men move at different paces than others. Everyone is different. I know this doesn’t really help- nothing really does until he makes up his mind. But if all you truly want is to be with him, then be with him. Maybe what he needs is to know that you would stay without the ring.